As StephLove rightly surmised, my fears about At visiting Arizona were tied to both brownness and transness. And while carrying a passport would help establish citizenship, it might have opened up a whole set of questions about gender. I would, of course, have some worry about my young adult child traveling by themselves, but these fears are very much based in 2025 USA, and especially places like Arizona. I would be less concerned if At were visiting Los Angeles or Seattle, for instance.
Speaking of which, I'd mentioned a while ago that At might be moving to Seattle. I may not have mentioned that it was to move in with SLE. So that is not happening.
And At may not be going to SLE's memorial service this weekend in Arizona either. When At enquired about the address, her family wrote back that it was going to be "a small, family event not open to outsiders". At is freshly brokenhearted over this. I told her that the family is grieving in their own way and that she ought to respect their wishes. Which is 100% how I feel. And also, if they're going to be hostile to her, that's another reason not to go. At and SLE's foster sisters and friends should plan their own memorial service.
Pic: I love this bird feeder that suctions on to the window and lets me see birds, like this cardinal, close up. I thought it might make Max and Huck a bit bonkers, but they barely notice.
10 comments:
Oh boy, this is a lot, Maya. I don't know what the politics are like down there but it all sounds very rough and kind of hostile. I would agree with you on this one, I think that if the memorial is going to be "closed" then it is probably up to At and the other people who loved this person and who would also be not invited to be at the service to create a memorial for their own healing. I obviously don't know what it would be like for At to travel but it honestly sounds like maybe not the best place for them to go at this point in time. I cannot believe this is something we have to think of in the year 2025, but here we are. I hope she stays safe, Maya, and I am sending you mama love from afar.
North has been in the process of getting a passport and at one point the option to have an X gender marker went away and then it came back. After some consideration, they decided if they were ever going to use it to cross the border and return, F might cause fewer problems for them because they present as female. I understand their thinking, but it made me sad. Also, now their state-issued id and their passport won't match.
p.s. We had one of those suction cup feeders once, years ago, and the birds never came.
Wow- that's pretty cold. "outsiders?" Yes, At and friends should definitely plan their own service. And probably better to skip the travel right now, although I hate the fact that I'm saying that.
I'm feeling angry and frustrated for At, but with an overarching sadness. Their grief could have been pure, but it had to be tinged with fear (the passport issue) and now exclusion. We can and should be so much better than this.
I had a window feeder like this--also a suet one--and my cats loved it. Unfortunately, it attracted starlings who made a terrible mess of both, and I had to give it up.
My new envy is those wifi bird feeders that send photos to your phone when a bird lands on them. It's already on my Christmas list.
Oof. Outsiders. Yes-- plan a different memorial-- that's the way to go, I think.
OMG. That's heartbreaking. I'm so sorry
Oof, the use of the word outsiders is quite awful. That could have been worded much differently. People make terrible decisions when dealing with grief so I will chalk it up to a poor decision made when the family was exhausted/not thinking clearly.
But ultimately it sounds like it is best for At to not go and to instead plan something different to honor the life of their friend.
I agree with your thoughts and concerns one hundred percent but oh, how my heart hurts for At. Outsiders? That's cruel. Yes, I'd be heartbroken as well. I love your idea of a memorial amongst friends. But what a lot of loss in a short time -- a partner, a move, dreams for an exciting new chapter. Now, who knows what the chapter will be.
Take care.
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