does grief make you mean?

I've been feeling quite irritable lately. Things that shouldn't be a big deal--like people asking me for instructions on how to do something for the fifth time (when they haven't even tried to do the thing yet), or people saying they did something by accident because they didn't know that wasn't allowed (when we had specifically talked about it), or people saying they'd do something and then just not doing it (which leaves me scrambling at the last minute)--are just irritating the eff out of me these days. 

I don't know if some B.S. detector switch has flipped in my brain or if it's business as usual and grief has nudged out extra emotions making them conspicuous to me. Either way, I'm finding it difficult to live with this version of me. I'd prefer to be the old me who could tap into compassion rather than irritation. Time to up the meditation, I think.

Pic: Sunrise with Huck and Max. They make me laugh.

now and then

I loved Nicole and NGS saying that yesterday's Wordle was a sign from Scout (in the comments). Scout was fairly illiterate in his earthly life, but I like the idea of a lettered Scout in the afterlife... he did have a terrific vocabulary of 100+ and was always very intelligent... Like we always had to take luggage out to the car when he was in the yard because he knew suitcases meant a separation.

My writer friend DL lost their family's Sophie this week, and they wrote the most moving and FUNNY eulogy. I love this last line so much: "In lieu of flowers, the family requests you go outside and give a good sniff to your friends and loved ones." Hug-laugh-sob.

Out in the world, my NYC friends are posting apocalyptic air quality pictures, and even we had hazy skies and an angry red sun long after sunrise this morning . It's only June and already wildfires are shifting into the 'uncontrollable' category.

Pic: Goslings, so fuzzy-wuzzy, along The Red Cedar while Big A protected me from the pugnacious parents.

puzzling

a prickle of certainty grows

--premonition, of nearing 

the end of a maze

                                        --the tangled day; then Wordle

                                        coyly unscrambles, hints

                                        your name back to me

                                                                                          I'm repeating: I'm ok, I'm ok,

                                                                                          I'm ok--and edit the evening

                                                                                          into ordinariness

for a while, we tricked the universe

into letting us be in the world 

at the same time

                                                          Now, call as I might, I know that 

                                                          I'll have to come to you--you 

                                                          will not return to me 

not merely a reflection

Workshop on campus today... For whatever my usual BS reason(s), I got very little sleep last night. I was pretty groggy even after a strong black tea--just not enough caffeine, I guess. The adrenaline shot I got from thinking that there was a cop car behind me as I was merrily speeding along to work woke me up nicely though. Ha.

When I stopped by my office during a break, I realized it had hosted a small miracle, as my plants were mostly ok although they hadn't been watered since Friday, May 5th... before I left for the UK...  a whole month! My geraniums were even in bloom. They got a heartfelt thank you and a good soaking today.

Oh, I had to take a break in my office because I teared up a few times because of mentions of Scout, and I could feel a good cry coming. I'm glad people get it. Even the colleague who said "I don't mean to sound callous, but it is a dog" is trying, IMO.

Pic: Radiology Gardens with L last week. The orange shadows in the water are koi--not merely a reflection of the red maple in the back...

closer

I feel bad because I broke my shopping ban and did some online shopping last week. (1) I got suckered into the Loft sale and got a couple of things I DO NOT need. Better a Loft spree than an Anthro spree, I suppose. (2) However, no regrets on the 12-dollar sunnies I ordered for vacation, they showed up, and they're awesome. (3) I'm going to keep Craft and Conscience by my friend Kavita Das, which I ordered for At, a bit longer to myself as it seems like something I could use for a class. (4) The hammocks I ordered didn't fit our stands, so I washed the old ones and put them back on (this is what I should have done in the first place).

Otherwise, I had a lovely Boss Day...I made a risotto with feta and veggies for dinner with At, Nu, and Big A and then a cuddle/watch fest of a new season of I Think You Should Leave. 

Pic: Huck and Max get a little closer...

Max week

It has been a week of/with/at Max. 

I'm so relieved Huck and Max seem to be getting along better. They're not cuddling together (yet), but they play (fight) quite nicely and they really bonded over their mutual panic this morning when I vacuumed the whole house.

Speaking of which, I had to go into Nu's room with a handful of plastic bags and a stack of laundry baskets just to be able to see their floor... I'm not exaggerating, and I'm genuinely worried about this child's ability to live on their own in a couple of years without hoarder-level dysfunction. (Finals week is coming up for Nu, and the stress has seemingly wrought havoc on them.)

Long conversations with sis and mom this morning, while the rest of the fam was asleep, about our India visit in August. One of the things we were discussing excitedly was if we should drive or take the train on some internal trips. And then friends began to text to check in because of the horrific train crash in northern India. It doesn't seem like anyone I knew was on either passenger train, but the huge death and injury tolls are sad and terrifying.

Pic: Huck and Max sharing (the path) by Scout's memorial. 

stay

I am reading aloud to myself

you knock on the door

tell me you hear me 

talking to someone 

                                 I have continued to live here

                                 the house where you died

                                 sharpening my gaze 

                                  into time's arrows

                                                                I am saying to the empty door

                                                                there's still time to change

                                                                 the ending, we could be

                                                                 alive right now

                                                                                          Look, look, those star-shaped 

                                                                                          flowers would fit perfectly

                                                                                          into the despairing holes

                                                                                          in the sky