you may have heard

I dreamt of death on this brilliant day
the smudge of a cloud in my eye
at this ordinary catastrophe 

it could set my people free from care
it has taken me years to see this

is a love song, a love song

to the day dissolving in sympathy
 to forgetting how you love me 

by keeping the world a secret

___________________________ 

Pic: This funny fellow in the grass kept me company this afternoon.

soundtrack of loss

I want to watch the Baz Lurhmann Romeo and Juliet with Nu and have been playing that brilliant (not sure how much nostalgia has to do with my appraisal) soundtrack album hoping it will pique Nu's interest.  

What I did not expect was to hear these (SILLY) lines I've heard a zillion (slight exaggeration) times before in "Lovefool" (the "love me, love me, say that you love me" song) differently: "Lately I have desperately pondered/spent my nights awake and I wonder/what I could have done in another way/to make you stay." And immediately think of Scout. Wow, death is so final, there's nothing to do but rage and cry. 

People in the family have been teasing me (gently) because of other random songs on the radio that have made me feel they were about Scout. I guess technically many of these are about lovers, but ultimately, they're about any beloved. Here's a partial list: *Stina Nordenstam "Little Star" *K.C. and the Sunshine Band "Please Don't Go" *Phoebe Bridgers "Funeral" *Paramore "The Only Exception" *Diana Krall "Feels Like Home" *Cher "If I Could Turn Back Time" *One Republic "Come Home" *Coldplay "The Scientist" *Jessie Ware "Meet Me in the Middle" *Cyndi Lauper "Time After Time" *Janet Jackson "Together Again" *Mariah Carey "One Sweet Day" *Arianna Grande "One Last Time"  *Selena Gomez "Back to You" *Foo Fighters "Walking After You" *Matchbox 20 "If You're Gone" *Arctic Monkeys "Do I Wanna Know" 

I also listened to the Mahamrityunjaya Mantra and Aditya Hrudayam on repeat in the early days of loss and cannot hear them now without feeling bereavement. I guess I'm good at taking any song and making it about me. Ha.

______________________

Pic: Max and Huck DO NOT WANT Big A to leave for work. 

someday...

I've loved the beach since I was a kid. The beach (especially if I'm there with people I love) is always my happy place.  

That's something Big A knows. For instance, when we had to queue up an hour early for good seats on the cruise on Saturday, he remarked that I didn't seem to mind because I just watched the waves the whole time. No phone or book, he marveled.

So as we drove over the Mackinaw Bridge, Big A was daydreaming about getting a cabin on the lake someday so I could watch the waves all day. It would have to be a tiny plot and all we'd put in would be one great room with a screened-in porch. I realized the screened-in porch would be for A who doesn't enjoy the beach and sun as much as I do--so basically, a way for him to be with me as I do something I love. 

Love is a true blessing. 

Pic: Beautiful Lake Superior from the car window as we left the Upper Peninsula yesterday. I still yearn for the ocean some days, but the Great Lakes and the "third coast" have really grown on me. 

And... we're back!

That was basically just a 48-hour vacation--and it was awesome! I feel rested, reset, and ready.

We took a sunset cruise to marvel at the multicolored cliff faces 500 million years in the making last night, slept in this morning, and checked out of our hotel early. We planned to hike at Hartwick Pines on the way home. But when we got there, the visitor center was closed, everything looked deserted, there were no other hikers, the signal for our All-Trails app conked out, and I got a bad feeling in my bones, so I called it off. I felt good about honoring my intuitive sense rather than feeling self-conscious about bailing. Also, I read a review later that mentioned hunters with rifles on the trails, so I'm really glad I did. 

We picked up Culvers for the meat eaters and a Subway for me, and were back in time for a nice dinner reunion with the human and puppy babies.

Pic: From our raucous dinner with friends (CM, SS, and bestie KB) at Torch Lake on Friday.

beaches, please

The trip to Pictured Rocks was Big A's Christmas present to me. I wasn't sure if we'd go after his hospitalization, but he was cleared for work last week, and we already had reservations, so off we went. 

I wondered if we'd hike as much as we originally planned to... but we had a lovely day today checking out Wagner Falls, Chapel Falls, Chapel Rock, and Chapel Beach. The hike out to Chapel Beach is my FAVORITE-EST hike so far. Just hours winding through a cool and restful forest, until you slope down to a brilliant and soft-grained beach. 

Pic: Big A and me at Chapel Rock. I love how the lone tree on top of the rock has visibly sent its roots off the rock to source out sustenance and support. (The roots are right behind A's left shoulder.  You can see the beach just beyond the rock too.)

bump it up

Pic: The sibs hang out while Big A and I get ready to head out for a hike.

I took this photo "for the road" and we set off. And then we were back home inside of 40 mins as we got rear-ended on Grand River Ave. 

It was in a 25-mile zone and luckily the other car was under the speed limit, so everyone is ok (just some minor damage to both bumpers). Still, insurance had to be called, the other driver was so young and so rattled--so I had to check if they were ok, etc. And then we came back home to clean up the spilled coffee and snacks, which had flown out all around. 

Hope to have something more fun to log tomorrow.

"is it sad or is it good?"

I made time to watch The Goat Life on Netflix. It's on a dominant South Asian theme (immigrant laborers forced into slavery in Saudi Arabia), based on a bestselling Malayalam novel, and I wanted to be in the know. 

It's a long (I had an hour left to go when I thought I couldn't take any more) and disturbing film (the protagonist is forced to become a desert goat herder under dehumanizing conditions). If you thought it was about a G.O.A.T. life, no--it's about living with goats that bleat. 

Anyway, I was sitting around all sad and depressed after I watched the movie (by myself). Nu who came down after their shower was concerned. They listened to my recap and then asked why I was still thinking about it, "is it sad or is it good?" (They meant was the story sad or was it narrated well.) I was momentarily cheered because that's such an incisive question! I'm not sure I can answer it, though. 

Pic: Geese on the Red Cedar. I'm terrified of meeting them on the riverwalk, but they're so graceful in the water.