the hardest thing to say

Pic: A random question I encountered on my FB as I exited writing camp in search of entertainment today. I can see different people struggle with different items on this list. 

For me, "I love you" is the easiest. I love people and can feel and show love to strangers, so saying it to the many people I care about is NBD. 

I apologize... a lot. Some of it is social conditioning and I'm actually trying not to do so much of it. Once I tripped over a chair and apologized to it, so I'm a work in progress, but no--it's not hard for me.

Admitting I'm wrong, however--that takes some effort. I like being right, and am willing to use my training in rhetoric to argue why I'm right. But I'm working on being less defensive overall. I'm usually excited when something I hear or read changes my mind--it reminds me that I'm still learning (am capable of learning) so that's a good sign.

The most difficult thing however, is asking for help. It's never been because it's something I can't do. But I do take on too much, think I'm the only person who can do whatever it is, worry about how other people are busy... I do everything wrong in this category. 

Hardest (in descending order): B, D, A, C.

I wonder how other people see this.

things come into my life

I almost got into the car so I could drive to Toronto and hug someone I've never met. 

I got to know Anita, a jewelry designer-labor organizer-prof on an online forum many, many years ago. Yesterday, I opened up my mail to find they'd sent me some exquisite watermelon pins they had made to support Gaza. Their sweet card said how they've enjoyed watching me and my kids grow over the years on FB.

I've wanted watermelon merch for a few months now, but always felt like that sort of discretionary spending could be better used as an actual donation to Gaza--so this is extra perfect. I'm so moved by Anita's generosity (talent, time, effort, material, and more), and I'm so grateful there are people like Anita in our world; someday, I hope to be one of them.

And then my colleague-friends KC and SS who'd traveled to Morocco brought me back a beautiful silk scarf patterned with vines and hamsas. "It was screaming your name," KC said, which made me laugh. They had a lot of students to care for while there, so I'm surprised and touched they thought of me.

Pic: My new scarf and pins. These beautiful things and the kindnesses they represent mean so much.

a few ways of looking at a headache

I had a headache this morning and thought it might be 

because of the pressure of an approaching deadline (maybe)

because the A/C tech was here and the quotes for repair were so high (maybe)

because of crying over the soul-crushing news out of Rafah (maybe)

because I'm worried about the kids (At and Huck in particular) and have been missing Scout extra (maybe)

and then I realized that I was actually a bit hungover from yesterday's watermelon margaritas.

Hmm.

Pic: I took an Ibuprofen and a long walk along the Red Cedar by myself to clear my head.

looking back; looking forward

Different people brought different memories of the veterans they wanted to memorialize... JN is working on a book based on their father's letters from WWII; everyone remembered at least one person who'd served; I mentally dedicated today's gathering to the righteous Aaron Bushnell. 

We talked about plans for the summer... "I'll be over here just baby-ing" BOL said. It was easily the most electric announcement of the evening, but the middle schoolers and high schoolers were just as enthusiastic about being done with school and sleeping in. Long after most people had left, EM, SI, and I sat in the dusk as the remaining kids played Cornhole, planning tentative day trips to the beach at Sagatuck and the Art Institute of Chicago.

(Trying hard to remember that hopelessness is a tool of oppression, so celebrating community and the many things we can achieve by organizing.)

Pic: Early in the evening. I forgot to take pictures of our picnic later. BOL's baked mac was a hit, as were JN's lavender and rosewater cookies and my red-white-and-blue berry cake. (I went with strawberries instead of raspberries as they were fresher... Thanks, StephLove, I got the the idea from you!) 

M.U.M. Day 2024

M.U.M. (MakeUp Mother's Day) was scheduled for today; we celebrated and my heart is so happy and very full.

The kids and I did a ton of work together on the veggie plots, which were overgrown with weeds. We cleared the beds, laid down netting (last time underground animals ate a lot of the veggies), added new soil, and planted peppers, tomatoes, kale, a variety of herbs, and some marigolds.

Nu finished fixing up the small drink tables for the outdoor seating area and then headed off to a birthday swim party while At and I finished up the veggies. We quaffed some lemonade while we admired our hard work and headed indoors for lunch over Atrangi Re, which was on my mind since the songs had come up on my playlist. It's fun (great songs!) and funny (the new pandemic is called "David" and rhymes with "Covid").

And then in the evening, we headed to see Furiosa. At had texted me around 1:00 am to say they were so excited they couldn't sleep--and don't ask me how I know, but it was this movie and not the vegetable gardening they were excited about. 😄 One of my favorite pre-movie moments was clustering in my bathroom with Nu and At putting on "chrome" makeup like the warboys. The movie was solid, and our theater-catered food dinner was ok. After we dropped At off, Nu and I settled in with ice cream and watched Fury Road, which I will love forever. At and I saw Fury Road NINE times IN THE THEATRE, dragging different people along with us each time (Big A, K.B., Nu, my mom) and multiple times at home--it remains to be seen if Furiosa will achieve that same status.

(Mourning Rafah and Scout in my mind throughout this day while celebrating my other kids, harvests, futurity, and hope for a better world.)

Pic: As the kids got to work on the veggie plots this morning. Max's ears!!!

another six on Saturday

1) If you're watching Bridgerton Season 3--the person playing Lady Stowell (minor character, she's the one signing to her debutante) is someone I went to school with!

2) Out to dinner with friends yesterday and when I was in the minority on something AI-related, EM announced to the table that she was going to be on my side because she's my "Ride or Die." She beat Big A to it. It was epic.

3) I have no more professional tasks left this year--I've written all the letters of recommendation, completed all the committee work, reviewed all the articles... nothing left to do but stop procrastinating and work on my own damn projects!

4) To which end I joined a writing group this week for accountability and dedicated writing hours. I love that (a) its called "Summer Scrivening" (b) we meet only Tues, Weds, and Thurs--in a way that feels civilized and respectful of summer.

5) Speaking of summer... it's almost here! I prepped everything for Monday's Memorial Day picnic, but I forgot the raspberries for the red, white, and blue cake (I have blueberries and cream). I'm consoling myself that it's probably for the best, as raspberries turn so quickly. 

6) Pic: Huck and Max waking up from their nap. Max's waggety tail wakes up first.

and again

from my heart comes 

songs of wonder
as days emerge

again the world is light
whirled very green--

every understory 

claiming back each wan 
winter moment

to silence

returning them as a jubilee

of buds tight at the heart

of growing things

their excited celebration

the crooning I use 

to soothe 

human, animal, vegetal,

--all the children

to sleep, leap--

into memory--like starlight--

born from something 

years ago

yet blossoming... arriving

just in this moment

for me

____________________________________

Pic: All the green things (grass, weeds, leaves, mossy tree, river) in L's backyard earlier this week.