the hang of it

I will myself to remember the contour

of this beast with no beginnings

this longing even when all is given 
even when nothing is desired

I really have no reason to remember 

the safe, ordinary history of today 

cautious happiness, habitual beauty 

its precious and explicit luck

I taste the escaped words, their notions 

of emptiness and openings  

in the release of the first silver raindrop

its receipt splattering in the dirt

-----------------------------------------

Pic: CC's view of The Red Cedar from her canoe. All of the feelings for the beauty of this day and the heartbreak of the news...

sweetest sixteen

I cannot believe our little Nu is sixteen. Or rather, I can believe Nu is sixteen, but can't believe it was sixteen years and one day ago that Big A and I were walking hand-in-hand through the doors of the NYU teaching hospital so I could get the Pitocin to coax Nu out. That day feels like yesterday.

Our Nu has always done things on their own time and the labor nurse who said they had an old soul was absolutely right. May this year nurture and delight my little darling.

(The My Little Pony celebration kit I put together was a hit as were the name-change docs we tucked in amongst their other presents.)

Pic: Nu decided they just had to build a gift-bag tower to the ceiling.

somebody's news

the rain's reckless embroidery
brackish, gradual as my grief 
               the paralysis of its apologies
               natural as my sorriest excuse

I start another broken journey
into the wholeness of today

               forever is fevers of longing
               and fierce bruises growling 
your hypothesis of heavens 
a harbor dangerous as hope 

____________________________

I'm grateful for fall break, the change of pace, and being able to take a break from the news today. 

After I took Nu to the school bus + Max and Huckie out to potty, I crept back into bed to read for hours. It felt glorious. Big A popped in after his meeting to marvel that I was still abed at eight and to check if I was sick. (I'm not!)

After a short rainy walk, a shorter weight session, and a very long soak, I stopped by the bookstore. I had a gift certificate from my birthday and more money on it than I remembered and got some extra stuff for Nu's birthday. 

Later, while texting, I discovered that At had the day off too, so we hung out to chat in person and got haircuts and pedicures. The stylist at the Supercuts was a bit mystified by the way my hair looked (I had cut my own hair the night before the semester started), but I admitted nothing. Also, it had been so long since I had a pedicure, that I didn't know there's now a "shellac" option where you can put your shoes right away with nary a smudge! How long has this been going on?!

Pic: Waterlilies and koi at Radiology Gardens.

heart-to-heart

It would probably take me many tries to get all the loops and turns of how exactly Cousin P is my cousin. But I just know that she is. Growing up, she was a constant fixture of family get togethers and although she was just two years older, I absolutely idolized her (still do). 

Our straightforward heart connection bypasses the complicated family tree. When we lived in New Jersey, we saw each other every day and I always feel very, very loved by her. When morning sickness laid me low, she hand-fed me. And I don't mean spoon-fed--she scooped up the rice and rasam into little balls and fed me with her fingers like a proper South Indian mama would. 

I'm so glad P came for a visit despite all the stresses of her high-powered job, and illnesses in the family. And of course we plunged into chattering the day away. At my request, RR came by to give her a massage and then At came over to say hello and we all sat down to dinner together, FaceTiming various other cousins. 

There's a family reunion planned... for 2025... I can't wait. 

Pic: Cousin P, Nu, At, and Cousin K2 (on the phone from the U of Maine).

a-more-fun-day

No "Sunday scaries" today because we're on "Midterm Fall Break," which is, basically, just Mon and Tues off (because Thanksgiving next month will give us Wed, Thurs, and Fri off) blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, etc. 

The specifics don't matter! It's just SO NICE to not have to jump right into the week. I'll catch up with grading (I can dream!)

I took myself outside to prevent myself from falling into a "funk" (as my dad would call it) about the UAW strike (now in its fifth week--the workers are getting $500 a week and that can only go so far) and the war in Palestine (on top of all the horrors of history and occupation).

I spent hours in the backyard raking and in the garden tidying with Max, then a blissful massage visit from RR, a chatty, catch-up visit from JL replete with carrot cupcakes and champagne, a soup I invented with butternut squash, spinach, and almonds, and a depressing but so-good book (Emma Cline's The Guest) made up the rest of my day.

(Somehow although I spent hours outside with no casualties, I got a yellowjacket sting inside the house.)

Pic: Post-dinner jinks with Big A, Huck, Max, and Nu.

Maya Boulevard

This summer when Big A and I were making our way back from Jamaica, the restaurant at the airport had one of those displays where you can find souvenirs with your name on it. 

My very Sanskrit name has gotten more mainstream lately, so I was delighted to find that the address-themed stall had a "Maya Boulevard" and then I found one with Big A's name too, so I excitedly got both.  

Big A was amused by my delight and said he'd never had a name souvenir before. 

I was all: OMG! Did you never find your name before either? 

And he was all: No, it was just too cheesy for me. 😂😭

Anyway, I put those signs on our respective sides of the closet by the bathroom door, above two prints I love. The "we are in this together," is a reminder that has gotten us through some tough times and the New Yorker cover features a couple who we think kinda looks like us when we used to explore NYC on dates.

nocturne

when I slip into a canoe 

to call it sleep--no one

has questions to ask

                              I deceive myself  

anxiety is my specialty 

every rock a pinnacle

every ripple a cataract  

                              I deserve myself 

            I like to say I'm flowing

            but I'm falling... falling 

            so... slowly you can't tell

_________________________

The radio was the perfect soundtrack today, playing "Friday I'm in Love" (what a perfect villanelle!) just as I got into the car to come home after a long day of meetings. (EC and I have the rest of the FYS project mapped out; tied up some delightful student consults on projects; a student emergency where DD magically showed up to help renewed my gratitude that her office is just two doors away from mine.) Then the radio played "Nothing Compares" and the Prince-Sinead-Scout sorrow was overwhelming. "All the flowers that you planted /In the backyard/All died when you went away" will never fail to squeeze a sob out out of me. I blame this song--poor Big A said something innocuous in the course of a conversation around 2 am, and I had a full-on sobbing interlude. Okay.

Onward... I want to thank Mel at Stirrup Queens for the shoutout in her 985th blog roundup! The last three times I made it to the roundup, it brought good luck in the form of emails notifying me that poems had been accepted for publication in other places. This time--alas--I did not have any submissions out. Perhaps I should work on getting some out over the upcoming long weekend.

Pic: It feels like our first perfect fall day, and I got out--between meetings--for a walk-and-talk on the bike path with AK.