Boss Day Indulgence

I inveigled them into selfies just before we walked over to Sansu because.... BAAAAS DAY!

  

_

Winter Light

We carry
our shadows
through the snow
for hours

until noon
prunes them from us
with little fuss.
Suddenly

we are blessed
with light-ness,
a single body,
in samadhi

Until fading day
shades in companions
to take us downhill,
into the night


_

Maps

My heart's fierce routes traverse here
maps curve cathedral arms out there

feelings scrambling across my face
in the stutter of heightened fights

I can miss all the people you have been,
the punctuation and pitch of your voices

I can learn all the places you have been
this body is--those borders are--prisons

I fill my thoughts with plots. Of weeping
until we drown--all the places in this town


_

Jan 1st

For decades, the debris
of bored, unmoored hope.
Ordered: a brace of fullness.
Fulfilled: bits of loneliness.

Now there are these loves
for thousands of stories or
prayers. I never surrender/
care for myself this way


_

The Prodigal Couple

It was good meeting so many old friends this week. We spent an evening with LV and NF and their families; had lunch with NM and his family today; and went to the M's NYE party where we saw EVERYONE.

Walking back from Stafford St. in the feathery snow and single-digit cold, Big A said that it's kind of fun, because people are so excited to see us even if we weren't that special when we actually lived here. It's true :) .

We got back 11-ish, so we could hang out with the kids and grandparents until midnight and chanted the countdown into 2018. I so want this year to be better than the last couple of years.

And I should take better pictures.

_

Dinner

@The Winds

They're showing N's beauteous Persia collection on the walls.

_

2017 Christmas #3

-

I should show my students

_

A Christmas Story (Christmas Continued)

There were grandparents to greet and more presents to open yesterday, and tomorrow we'll head for Yellow Springs for more grandparents (and presents).

For the first time in a while, the kids enjoyed both the nativity pageant and the Christmas Eve candlelight service, but their favorite Christmas story was about my silliness.

Earlier this month, Big A and I found ourselves at the mall (to return some birthday dress shirts at Macy's) and I saw a popup store selling Christmas ornaments that claimed that they could "put ANY name" on purchased ornaments. I was so excited, because of course my kids never find their names on anything. So I babbled on to the very young, very pregnant sales assistant about how this was so exciting for me and then cajoled Big A into looking for ornaments. He gave up about five minutes in because everything was weird and gendered (boy-doctors, girl-nurses level gendered). I should have given up too, but nevertheless, I persisted.

I finally found some generic, non gendered stuff and took it to the counter to pay for it. Four ornaments came up to $60 with tax. And then the very young, very pregnant sales assistant took out a Sharpie to write my kids' names. A Sharpie. I didn't have the heart to back out. At least she had neat handwriting?

We took down Christmas today, 

in preparation for our trip South.

__

From For the Time Being: A Christmas Oratorio W.H. Auden

Well, so that is that. Now we must dismantle the tree,
Putting the decorations back into their cardboard boxes –
Some have got broken – and carrying them up to the attic.
The holly and the mistletoe must be taken down and burnt,
And the children got ready for school. There are enough
Left-overs to do, warmed-up, for the rest of the week –
Not that we have much appetite, having drunk such a lot,
Stayed up so late, attempted – quite unsuccessfully –
To love all of our relatives, and in general
Grossly overestimated our powers. Once again
As in previous years we have seen the actual Vision and failed
To do more than entertain it as an agreeable
Possibility, once again we have sent Him away

-

Christmas in the afternoon

We didn't get to opening presents until the afternoon

because Big A had worked the night before and needed a nap.

I held the kids at bay with the holiday casserole and mulled cider

and re-watching the second season of Stranger Things.

It turned out beautifully in the end 

(despite sleep deprived crankiness, roof worries, and health anxieties)

At gave me a Criterion copy of Chaplin's The Kid 

the first silent film we'd watched together--crazy to think it's almost a hundred years old

Nu gave me another book Molly's Story to go along with Wonder

Molly is a pupster and  has the sweetest beginning

Big A made my dreams come true

with the Alessi kettle I'd coveted for so long.

-

Just one day left

I'm still terrified to go into the basement

so I took a long walk in the snow instead.

On my way back, I constructed a soup 

to make for dinner--it was gumbo-y.

Then like the opposite of a real Santa, I snuck 

a few presents OUT of the kids' present pile--

I had gone overboard as usual.

_

MRI

my head brings its own book
my heart sings its own song

This close sky sees everything
is impersonal, is still, strong

I have lived    I am losing
I am living     I am learning

even love cannot shield us from
messages so familiar, of failure

Like a wish polished into prayer
Like a loss, before we call it lost

--------------------
Personal note:
Big A had to have an MRI today for numbness today. We're not sure what that means or what lies ahead for us.

Sssssssscary Shite

Pic from Big A recd. on my way home

If you look closely (if you dare to look)
you'll see a reaaaaally long snakeskin
sloughed off over the kids' scooters
IN THE BASEMENT

Is it still there? Did IT have BABIES?
I was right there just TWO DAYS AGO.
I'm already really terrified of snakes,
and now everything seems extra snake-y.

The kids were amused, but I got my revenge.
I gave them this line that's stuck in my head:
"the snake poured itself down the hole"
Then I cackled as it gave them the shivers.

_

Post

the flicker of your gaze
the burden of your hope
I am an ant under a crumb

this skin's dance is like
first-born-feather-light
of morning snow (I know

we might have gone our true
ways without a clue, except for
some secret script of the universe)

_

Saving Seven Words

Dan Smith‏ @danaturg 22h22 hours ago

I have eaten the fetus that was in the entitlement and which you were vulnerably saving for diversity Forgive me it was transgender so science-based And so evidence-based.

-
Note: This happened.

Jedis at Last

We had tickets to see The Last Jedi the minute they were announced. Actually, a notification that it had been added to the family calendar crawled across my phone screen while I was in class. *

But as it turned out, one of Big A's co-workers had a family emergency and needed to switch shifts with him, so we elected not to go on Friday. The kids are amazing that way--sweetly flexible about changes in plans because the life of an E.R. doc (and their family) is about celebrating Thanksgiving / Christmas / New Year / Birthdays whenever they're off--using the date on the calendar as a recommendation rather than as a deadline. Big A suggested we go without him on Friday and go again on Sunday with him, but At was all, "We can't go without Dad, he started Star Wars." (Compliment rather than accusation, I believe.)

There were moments where I teared up (Chewie telling Luke about Han, Gen. Leia being wished that the force *always* be with her), but the movie was just too dang long.
                                   At: It felt like there was an Act 4
                                   Nu: And an Act 5 and an Act 6...

                         We want to watch The Force Awakens again.

But we managed a family pic before the movies.

___________________________________

* Let me take this moment to mention how much I dislike having to take my phone into the classroom so I can dual-verify login to the class computer!!!!!


-

Fittingly

I had planned to put Kristen Roupenian's Cat Person and Carmen Machado's The Husband Stitch on the reading list for Women's Lit next term as they each blew up online this year...

Today, I made plans to collaborate teaching them with a bunch a strangers (fellow teachers) on an FB group.

The internet is kinda awesome.

_

Reading

Today is a sabotaged page
brutish
dusty
untrustworthy

on the edges of my brain
the hot animal knees
me, tears me,
sees me in tears

on the undercurrent of loss
in the flooding and
leaking
and catching

I can untie words heavy as air
as ephemeral; I am
a lookout, I am
eaten by the sea


(Note: I'm reading Truddi Chase's When Rabbit Howls and took on a new CASA case yesterday)
_

Two by Two

Two times I fell today

• down the stairs with the stick vacuum
• while arguing about the Keaton kid story in the Chipotle parking lot

Two songs I've avoided since At went to college

• Human by the Killers (long history)
• The song from the end of Boyhood (for the obvious reasons)

Two things I looked forward to all day

• Dinner with the MacCurdy women

• Bringing the boy home

-

Snow Days

Yesterday's snow came with a surprise--when I finally left work and got into the car to come home, I realized that some angel had cleared my windshield for me.  If I wasn't such a wimp with the weather, I'd try to pay that forward.

Today, I got a leisurely day at home and got to work out, clean the house, and wash my hair with no hard deadlines. And although that doesn't sound particularly hedonistic, it felt luxurious.

It was Big A's work holiday party today. But when the morning news predicted 8-10 inches of snow, I decided we weren't going to drive in it. Big A wanted to keep the babysitter so we could do a date-night, but I really didn't want our high-school babysitter to be driving in all this snow either.

I made the saffron shrimp linguini for dinner though, so I think everyone's mollified.

_

Inflection

I know my footprints make

achy commas in the snow

Icy shibboleths of everywhere 

I've been, when breath catches.

I keep finding these reminders--

the plainsong of my wandering

as though to say: now just pause

'cos--no one's ever here that long.

So commas--broken signs of all

kinds: earned, separate, or set off--

Of course I've known forever how

I am guilty of love--never list me alone.

_

'Yas

Not a day goes by that I don't think of cousin PD and the other 'Yas. It could be because something reminded me to think of our house as a home rather than as a real-estate investment; or I bought myself flowers when no one else did; or I'm driving in the snow and remembering her telling me about black ice, and to go slow on NJ hills; or because I got a mouthful of something spicy that reminded me of the rasam-buvva that she hand-fed me when I was too pregnant/nauseated to feed myself; or I'm yearning for times while we watched the kids play and could conduct sotto voce discussions of family, nation, or culture for hours.

When she texted me that she was going to be close by visiting her elementary schoolmates for the weekend to celebrate turning 50 in a few months, AND that she could spend a night with us... I squealed and then called her so she could hear me.

It was everything I imagined.

_

Forward

Around the eaves
a feathered departure

bookmarks your godhead,
your stubborn extension

of earth, home, earthliness.
It lifts me too for a moment

like the gaiety of someone
else's car music

_

Party weekend

I went to three parties yesterday (college holiday party, international student party, fundraiser) and two parties today (student Christmas party, colleague/friend's Festivus party)

I got to drag Big A and Nu to one yesterday and one today.

I will take that as success.

_

Takes after her Mama

I mentioned over dinner 

that I'd like to see the movie

 after Sarah raved about it.

So when Nu found the book

at the school book fair,

she got it for me, and even

WRAPPED IT UP FOR CHRISTMAS!

But she was too excited 

to give it me later and insisted 

that I open it right-away :P 

_

Vibrations

It is dawn in a dream and
my body is made of politics

nerves write these goodbyes
language breaks at my joints

water seldom returns to eyes
(though it does get in my nose)

we are afraid to admit it--
our days are ephemeral

insects chide and chatter
stars grind and grumble

_

Surprise

Ready, heading
downstairs in a rush
Big A lifts me

into the air
as I hit the
last stair,

spins me
around spins
me around

Nu pops her frown
through the door
and is relieved

I'm not yelping
about her
morning chores.

_

Time to go

Last night, I dreamt that I was looking over grandmother's old house by the sea. I was talking to my aunt and Big A about how it would make sense to get it (buy it?). I think we had decided to go for it until I remembered that the water from the faucets used to stain everything grey and wondered if that still happened and were there loud trains in the backyard?

The night before that, I dreamt of huge temple festival crowds. And among them, I found my mother with her friends. They were in full temple-going mode--vibrant silk saris and gem-studded jewelry and... were taking turns standing on a grate. Mom was so embarrassed to see me, but managed to hug me tight and whisper that I shouldn't tell anyone.

Both dreams were dotted with apocalyptic climate change motifs--rising seas, shimmering heat, crop failures--I blame the eco-criticism-ecofeminism class.

Is This Land is Your Land? 

Environment and Culture in the Anthropocene 

ENG 180/WGS 280

_

Inspiration

Found this on NuNu's school-issued laptop.🤓😍

(It says, "Alexander Hamilton wrote 51 papers in the span of 6 months, you can write ONE.")

_

Atwitter

things i do not say
are prisoners

they plot revolution
in whispers

and invitations
in shadows

they talk quietly
amongst themselves

their questions long
their answers looks

asking--are you thinking
-- what are you thinking

_

Dream

I remember you sleeping
even if I was sleeping too

Same with the puppies
same with the babies

same with begging
mountains to move

same with begging
the earth to open

same with the ice
looking down on me

from the air
and the glass up there

my silence and softness
growing plump like fruit

_

In Theory

What will winter do to us?
Will we continue even as
the outside plants are killed
by remorseful white skin
growing where nothing else will?

_

Shade

We've been admiring NuNu's pear 

that's so perfectly shaded.

She asks: "Have you ever shaded something? 

Did you ever learn how to shade?" 

"Now she's throwing major shade" 

her dad says.

_

“We’re in the liberry reading about naps, Mama”

_

Post-Holiday Sadness

It doesn't get any easier dropping At off at college. I keep thinking it might be easier if he took the bus, but that last hour of talking and joking and listening to him DJ on the car stereo becomes too tempting at the last moment.

Also today (in the library) someone told me that they were abandoned by their mom when they were eight.

Also today (in the grocery store) someone told me that they were trying to come out to their friends and family.

I'm kind of exhausted.

_

Thankful we need to improvise seating...

Fine

flashes of light 

insistent, slash 

the rear view mirror

tired, I look

for the cop car

speed-limit reminder 

but all I can see,

washing over me,

is sunset through the trees 

_

Imprint

I am the serotinal student

clasping ideas between breaths

clamping lips around knowledge

i touch a thousand books

i read them all


-

The World Turned Upside Down

Until we saw Hamilton last year in Chicago--I hadn't really paid a lot of attention to the phenomenon. I *loved* the rap form, the function of the cast, was happy for Miranda's MacArthur Genius award... and all of that. But I was afraid that it would be a bunch of bad rhymes or some twee hagiography. So the show was such a pleasure and a relief. And now we just can't stop listening to the soundtrack all the time.

I was looking for tickets to the touring company at the Wharton Center and they seem to have very little information. It's almost funny, so that's not the reason I was in tears to "It's Quiet Uptown" after I dropped At off at college this morning.

It was tough coming home to an empty house after such a crowded weekend. The crappy weather and the drippy roof aren't helping.
_

Fortune Chocolate Quotes

No. 1   Only everyday 

No. 2    Sure thing!

_

Hopeful/Healing

Relieved the radiologist 

didn't think she needed 

a CT scan for her wrist

_

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

SANSU SURPRISE!!

She didn't know her brother would be 

at the restaurant for her birthday dinner.

She walked in and remembers thinking:

why does this guy look so much like my nana

and why is he sitting all by himself

And then she started squealing 

and didn't stop hugging him

_

Double Digits!

Infinite love

Every morning you greet me

Welcome back, says a cluster of Bougainvillea 

_

Little Siblings Weekend at the college (Missing two instead of one)

_

When I retire I want to go on trips with my sister (like my mom)

Rameswaram and Kanyakumari

_

Boss Day swag (is Princely)

My family knows me well...

_

Homecoming (at the office)

The whole fambam in my office 

just before the parade.

_

Busted

Sometimes the puppies and I hang out in At's room

...and we usually get busted.

_

Change

Today

I thought I was lost on the way to work

because the light and the leaves were so different 

from yesterday

_

Dance Cam

So Far Away

At had us pose for this pic 

up at Aunt R's place on Lake Huron 

so he could put it up in his dorm. 

"Don't turn around," he called out 

as we walked up the dock, 

"don't look back."

_

College Kid

We managed a hurried 'we-fie' with At when we dropped him off at College yesterday. 

He's bunking with his best friends from school and so excited and ready for this. 

Don't look at the crumpled up lunch napkins on the table in front of me...

I may have decided to get the crying over with over lunch 

instead of at the opening convocation 

so as to not terrify the other parents...

_

He Takes his Spike Lee Seriously

Here and Now

It's past 2:00 a.m. and I'm about to try get some sleep for a string of errands and a coffee date with a binder sister (Z) in the morning.

It's just that I'm trying hard to eke out a few more minutes here because I just know that my dreams are going to be an apocalypse-themed torment. What with threats of "fire and fury as the world has never seen" and having read a bunch of climate change poetry for a new class prep.

If you're wondering about the best place to take cover in case of a nuclear fallout, I've got you covered.

_

Grandparents are so brave

they'll even take naughty puppies to the bank

(Parents aren't doing so well:

Hurry home, Huck!)

_

I keep looking

for the secret.

_

Cleverly Disguised

Not sure why I took this picture

he's so lovely/ we gave him that tee/

I love him

_

Education is Important

Many kinds of learners; only one Alma!

_

This is Not a Cat

Just Huckie!

I did something right

Big A took a picture 

of freezer-foraged dinner

(veggie burger/english muffin/fried egg)

_

O Momentous Day

Off to see 

the wonderful

Homecoming

_

When a Banker Says...

that they work with families 

on Detroit's Eastside,

they deserve their own 

thank-you copy.

_

In other news:

NuNu: Mama did it all by herself!

Nothing is Impossible

@The Broad

_

Looking up

NuNu helped clear a bed for the veggie garden :)

Seeing Us off the Property, Deer

There are at least three...

_

The First Year

Living somewhere new 

is full of garden surprises.

(Rhododendron by the Front Door)

_