my boy anchors me

A lot happening in life and (pattern-wise) in this picture. 

But all I can see is Scout's paw on my foot as I'm working.

This child anchors me day and night.

one child

one child says their name is nothing
one child says they love you not
one child says they love you 
but not themselves

one child has put themselves to bed

one child refuses to go to sleep

one child just can't stand it

can never rest enough

one child lies without thinking twice

one child tells only horrific truths

one child will read nothing 

says everything is dumb 

one child is too large for this house

one child is tiny enough to vanish

one child doesn't want to know 

there's only one... child...

Pic: Red Cedar River, mental health walk by myself. 

A Warning

gnawing

annoying

day opens 

its jaws

like danger

it is considered natural here

to be golden in the moment 

then vanish and be replaced

for all you know is bravery

when you have no memory

of the sky

the hawk 

in the sky

where the

others went

Pic and notes: Koi at MSU Radiology Gardens. They're always so tiny because the bigger ones are snatched by hawks (and then replaced by staff). 

hope as the thing that perches

I was on one of my marathon phone calls with my sister (early morning here, evening there) when this brilliant rainbow patch appeared on my leg (from a crystal mobile in the window).

Between its appearance and my Chelli's confidence in me, I'm hopeful for the upcoming week.

today

Today, I needed the woods and a hike with  L.

Then yoga with Big A via Portal, A trip to the dollar store with Nu, a call to Cousin N to arrange next week's family get together, a long soak, leftovers for dinner. 

A take-it-easy kinda day.

(I'll deal with health insurance claims, roof repairs, departmental re-visioning, editing, etc. next week.)

Pic: Baker Woods, MSU

somedays

Somedays

all I need are the roses.

#MSU Horticulture Gardens 

Like there is no time

The Uber has already been called
It's nearly the end of the night

of the first day of a hurried wedding

It's after the cousins have finished 

with their choreographed dances

after the henna has dried on my hands

My aunt, the brides' mother, comes up

to her sisters and sisters-in-law

Let's get on the dance floor

she says, It's our time now

The aunt who is giving me a ride back  

says: but I already called the Uber

the app says it's just five minutes away

Then let's go, let's go, let's go 

the bride's mother says

gesturing to the dance floor

looking like she's already dancing

we have no time to lose

we can't waste a single minute, she says 

but she seems also, so far away

It's the same far away look she has 
at the reception the next day
until the bride and groom 
surprise-announce 

that a baby is coming soon

and everyone is ooh-ing and crying

even more than usual

because--you know--we know

and when I finally get to congratulate 

my uncle and my aunt

My aunt who's made no mention 

of what we all know all weekend long

finally breaks. Gripping my uncle's hand 

in a way both hard and tender, she says--

I just hope he gets to see the baby

she says, as if there is no time

wellness and goodness

Things are a bit overwhelming right now with work (especially with scheduling which requires a spatial and numerical intelligence that doesn't come naturally to me); our ongoing roof repair saga (now we need an engineer and suddenly the city inspector is involved, and none of this is in the budget?!!?); and feeling like recognizing that I'm effectively solo parenting these days (especially when six hours of outpatient care is intense and Nu needs a lot when he gets home).

Luckily for me (and everyone who needs to be in contact with me), R made a house call, set up their magic massage table, and I spent the rest of the day transfused with flexibility, thankfulness, and calm.  

I'm thankful I had the time, some extra cash, and a kind and accommodating professional to help me feel well enough to be a good person today. 

very Monday

We tried out our Portals for the first time today as Big A is back in Milwaukee. I like the big screen and that the camera pans to pick up sound and movement. I wish there was an option to just let it stay on all the time. 

Otherwise, tons of work for me, six hours of outpatient care for Nu; both of us came home feeling depleted. Nu had a good cry, I held it together...but couldn't wait for the parenting day to be over. Then I got lost in a book. And so to bed, hoping for a kinder tomorrow.

 Pic: Scout and Huck could hear Dada's voice but they don't "see" things on screens, so Nu tried to show them up close. 💗

Sunday, summer, smores...

A quick walk with L to the Horticulture Gardens to see the roses, a lightning UU visit with lots of singing, and then I cleared brush in our woods for HOURS today. 

Nu helped me with the bigger limbs while Big A did our annual mow. After they got tired, it was just me listening to bird calls and dragging stuff out and taking it to the piles by the firepit and being plied with lemon water by Nu and visits from Big A. 

We have kindling for the rest of the year. At least. 

The rest of the day was a nice soak, then Impossible burgers I had prepped at breakfast, smores by the firepit, and so to bed (with a detour to finish Elif Batuman's Either/Or, which I loved).

picnic cookies and cat cafés

I headed to RS's mom's memorial service today. I was there mainly to support RS, but it felt poignant learning that her mom remade her life in her 40s--getting a divorce, going back to school, and becoming a social worker. The grownup grandkids, now teachers themselves, remembered fondly how she would take them on picnics to the hill behind her apartment complex and they'd feast on homemade sandwiches and Milano cookies. Fittingly, there were Milano cookies at the outdoor reception later.

While I was gone all afternoon, Big A took Nu to the cat café where Nu played with all the cats he wanted to and had a great time. Big A and I are both allergic (and I'm mildly  ailurophobic) so poor Nu has to make do with visiting. I've been informed that when Nu is grownup, he will live with cats and rats and that we can take allergy meds when we want to visit. I think that's very fair.

Pic: Nu making a cat friend (and Big A's reflection).