Modality: Baleful

The tiniest member of the family has the most terrifying glare.

(This is because At wouldn't share his Boss Day mint chicken with Huckie Bear anymore.)

24/7 Panic Snapshots

Gratuitous cute-goofy picture

I woke in panic several times last night:

Once because my mind was singing the chorus to MISSIO's "Wolves" and it was terrifying in the dark.

Once because I was imploring Mai and the macaque to run, run, run (just finished Ocean Vuong's beautiful and brutal On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous).

Once because I dreamed I had taken At and Nu clothes shopping and they were breathed on and almost touched accidentally a few times by other shoppers. (How extra stupid would this unease have been a year ago?!)

And finally, because of the reasonable, rational, familiar dread of the school year approaching and all the preparation that needs to be accomplished in the weeks that remain. It's here--July 24th... 24/7. In exactly one month we'll be welcoming students back to campus.

Cool Band Album Cover

We packed up a picnic and headed out to Point Betsie Lighthouse for the day. Long drive, gorgeous water.

Scout and Huck got overheated and anxious, so we didn't stay long. But Nu and At--I could (did) look at them all day. They always seem so effortlessly rock chic to me (Nu's light sensitive glasses help).

I've been giving my family's humans bird-motif shirts for years now, so it was only a matter of time before they all arrived downstairs synchronously wearing 'bird shirts.' Big A too (not pictured here as he was looking for a bigger bottle of water for the puppies who'd already slurped up  all we'd brought).

It was a welcome change from our pandemic ordinary, though At and Nu panicked about so many people without masks and wouldn't even go near the water. We saw lots of "Trump 2020" signs and a sign proclaiming "My governor is an idiot." I took some hope from a series of signs that promised "I'm a woman; hear my roar; watch me vote." Yeah.

Beautiful Ordinary 1, 2, 3

1. Compared to yesterday,  today's headcount was easier 😊.*

2. Pandemic realization #87654: I've always loved our big, communal family study, but it's a challenge when the foreseeable future holds a lot of overlapping meeting schedules.

3. I was SO proud of bestie KB at our final meeting today as she worked, spoke up, and fought for everyone's wellbeing. We voted on an important resolution that will hopefully make it a bit easier for people to work online without jumping through HR-related hoops.

* A note on how much I love these four and how much I love to see them hanging out together and how blessed I am that At (21) and Nu (12) will find things and shows and games to share across the generational and gender gaps. 

But as a reminder of the real here--the togetherness of this week is brought to you by Big A confiscating the kids' phones into next Tuesday.

Another Day

When Scout climbs up on my hammock the way he is with Big A here, it can set me rocking for a long time.

I spent most of the day outside and people visited me from time to time as I finished the book I was reading (This Tender Land--I liked the Odyssey framing, but some parts were fairly twee and the ending was overstuffed and hurried).

We got some tiny tomatoes from my veggie plot!  And that was all the actual excitement the day held.

Who's petting whom?

At sent this selfie to family chat claiming Scout was asking for pets, but the picture shows it was Scout who was doing all the petting on his favorite boy.

Right?

1/2 2020 Sonnet

Fond of sun,
my children and I
our thoughts tail us--
or are afterthoughts--
quiet and still as stones
our bones are sinking, singing
their fantasy of thanks to the earth.

Lulled by sun,
my children and I
are adrift on a river of
unhurried afternoons straining
only with birdsong, brilliance, buzz.
We'd say we are quite, quite ruined for the past
why--even the ghosts who call shine bright with future.

Bad case of...

Huck has a gnarly patch in her under-chin fold that seems to be causing her some distress. But here, she looks adorably pensive, watching At take her picture,  having voluntarily retired to the puppy room (which usually doesn't happen and is yet another indication of her discomfort and pain).

We talked to the vet, but it looks like we'll need to take her in; the thought of leaving the house to go into someplace is giving me anxiety hives.

Faces, Places

Facebook has been killing me with these oldies. Seven years ago. Just seven... and we're back to At on the cusp of high school, Nu as five-year-old.

Here's what I wrote about them then: "That's not the victory salute for winning awards in English, Math, Science, and Art, becoming a member of the new model U.N., and moving on to high school. Nor is that the look of a kid who taught herself to read and count ALL THE THINGS at five and is moving on to first grade as the youngest member of her new classroom. It simply says: Watch out, world! Summer vacation's here!"

My loves are the best thing in my life. And I'm so blessed that they make time for each other, are mostly patient with each other, and always find something to obsess over together--working their way through Dr. Who or Avatar or Lego binges, or making up strategy games, or playing video games companionably side-by-side. (In my ideal world they'd be reading side-by-side, but I can't have everything.)

The pandemic has been harrowing in so many ways, but it did give me a chance to relive having all the kids in the same place all over again. That part was bliss.

Sketch-y

Commissioned a drawing of Big A and the kids for Father's Day (it's looming!). Love how in this sketch everyone looks racially ambiguous. Right? Or maybe I'm just being fanciful. Not to suggest my multiracial babies automatically embody equality or possibility, but they're lovely beings. Mostly intentionally.

Spent most of yesterday and today in FYS planning workshops--twice the usual work to do since we have to plan for several contingencies and just two months to do it all...

And now I have to go write a kind note to the colleague who said that they had been "g*pped" and hope they take it the right way and didn't already use that kind of language around students.

Moping

This is Scout's favorite "mope" position and today, he kept switching sides back and forth while Nu and I listened to Sue Monk Kidd's The Invention of Wings--something I've wanted to do since we fell in love with the radical Grimke sisters when we were reading Rad American Women A-Z five years ago. (Incidentally, while there have been lots of girl-centered hero books since, Rad American Women A-Z remains my favorite because of the way it centers social justice.)

When I'm not actively occupying myself with something productive  (good) or self-flagellating with the news (bad), I find I too am moping in various positions and locations like our Scout. 

Defence

The kids rigged up some netting around the veggie plots today. The good news is that our raggedy three-legged-deer is doing well. And well, there is no bad news, but the tomato plants were chomped down to the stalks, and I'd like some tomatoes this year.

This sequel actually started last night, when Scout woke me up around two am, and I found our friend was back when I turned on the lights. The great news is although their gait is wobbly as they move from one tomato plant to another, their gallop is speedy--something I discovered as a fresh outburst from Scout startled them and they shot off into the dark.

I am Loved, I am Enough

 I just needed a reminder of love today. Last week, I didn't get a teaching award I was nominated for (it went to someone amazing, but I still feel sad.) and today in student evals in addition to the usual notes about grading and reading load, a student suggested that I had made them feel stupid and that I wasn't "fond" of them. The one thing I always want to do is create a safe space and teach with tenderness, so that comment cut me so bad.

On top of it all, my planner has consistently been showing me that while I have been doing alright taking care of the fam, myself, and home, I consistently have little to record in the professional section--I'm not writing, editing, publishing. I need to stop cycling through distracting myself through every media available to me.

Out and About

We were just coming back from our afternoon walk when we ran into R, T, and L--who  took this picture from across the street. I demurred when she brandished her phone, but she growled: "Just stand with your husband, Maya!" Big A and I are still chuckling about that hours later. I love L so much.

Big A has two flights booked for NYC tomorrow so he'll be able to get to his first shift on Friday even if one flight gets canceled. We've made so many contingency plans like this trying to manage all kinds of risk. I have to admit it all still feels pretty unreal. He'll leave first thing tomorrow.

Looking Up

Made some good progress clearing debris from the garden beds, dredged leaves from the pond, found two morels, and would have worked some more in the garden, but I stepped in something yucky (bad puppies!!) and temporarily lost my will to live.

But seriously--the hope of planting veggies fills me with hope. It signals things like: *happening in the future* and *moving forward* and I need that right now.

After all, the lockdown seems like an infinite present, where cancelations and uncertainties abound: no biennial August family reunion in Montana; Dear Evan Hansen tickets on hold for a year; no idea if classes will be online on in-person come fall...

At was inducted into the national history honor society, so we celebrated today as "History Day." I made him a timeline of all the places we've lived, and taught him how to make mango lassi; he picked a historical movie for the fam to watch--Philadelphia, which ties in nicely to what I'm reading--Rebecca Makkai's wonderful The Great Believers.

Here's Floofy

A floppy puppy floofing on the floor? Fun to say! But no.

It's just the pile of doodle fur I trimmed off this afternoon. 

The puppies are lighter and smell better, although it was tiring and took way longer than I expected. Huck looks polished enough for a job interview; Scout looks a bit scarily dino-headed because I trimmed too much off his face.

Also, after months of requests, At shaved his beard off yesterday and took us all by surprise. The last time we saw him beardless was in his high school senior pictures. Without his beard and his hair at mid-length, he looked a bit awkward (cough Lord Farquaard cough). I gave him a trim too.

Pre-dinner Deliciousness

I think so, anyway...





and Scoutie seems to agree.

The Low Road

Big A is cheating the puppies at play in this picture; I want the record to show that 😊. Also, despite a full day, it felt quite low. But also, I've been remembering Marge Piercy's poem, and plan to share it with the family tomorrow at dinner.

(In other news, birthday parties for KB and SS and a fougasse bake-along with PM and posse.)

Moods

Huckie side-eying the whole world is my current mood.

(Except this picture is hilarious, and I keep bursting into giggles every time I catch sight of it.)

"NPCs?"

Snuck out for a walk with these guys and when the other kids saw this picture, they were a bit jealous and claimed that dad and puppies looked like unreal NPCs. Apparently in video-game-ese it stands for a "non-player character." I see it, actually!

All family pics are either the kids or Big A these days... that's just the way it is in these days because of isolating Big A. Friend-writer SS suggested that I write about how difficult and stressful it is to isolate within the family--but what's there to say beyond how much it sucks?