I am Loved, I am Enough

 I just needed a reminder of love today. Last week, I didn't get a teaching award I was nominated for (it went to someone amazing, but I still feel sad.) and today in student evals in addition to the usual notes about grading and reading load, a student suggested that I had made them feel stupid and that I wasn't "fond" of them. The one thing I always want to do is create a safe space and teach with tenderness, so that comment cut me so bad.

On top of it all, my planner has consistently been showing me that while I have been doing alright taking care of the fam, myself, and home, I consistently have little to record in the professional section--I'm not writing, editing, publishing. I need to stop cycling through distracting myself through every media available to me.

Out and About

We were just coming back from our afternoon walk when we ran into R, T, and L--who  took this picture from across the street. I demurred when she brandished her phone, but she growled: "Just stand with your husband, Maya!" Big A and I are still chuckling about that hours later. I love L so much.

Big A has two flights booked for NYC tomorrow so he'll be able to get to his first shift on Friday even if one flight gets canceled. We've made so many contingency plans like this trying to manage all kinds of risk. I have to admit it all still feels pretty unreal. He'll leave first thing tomorrow.

Looking Up

Made some good progress clearing debris from the garden beds, dredged leaves from the pond, found two morels, and would have worked some more in the garden, but I stepped in something yucky (bad puppies!!) and temporarily lost my will to live.

But seriously--the hope of planting veggies fills me with hope. It signals things like: *happening in the future* and *moving forward* and I need that right now.

After all, the lockdown seems like an infinite present, where cancelations and uncertainties abound: no biennial August family reunion in Montana; Dear Evan Hansen tickets on hold for a year; no idea if classes will be online on in-person come fall...

At was inducted into the national history honor society, so we celebrated today as "History Day." I made him a timeline of all the places we've lived, and taught him how to make mango lassi; he picked a historical movie for the fam to watch--Philadelphia, which ties in nicely to what I'm reading--Rebecca Makkai's wonderful The Great Believers.

Here's Floofy

A floppy puppy floofing on the floor? Fun to say! But no.

It's just the pile of doodle fur I trimmed off this afternoon. 

The puppies are lighter and smell better, although it was tiring and took way longer than I expected. Huck looks polished enough for a job interview; Scout looks a bit scarily dino-headed because I trimmed too much off his face.

Also, after months of requests, At shaved his beard off yesterday and took us all by surprise. The last time we saw him beardless was in his high school senior pictures. Without his beard and his hair at mid-length, he looked a bit awkward (cough Lord Farquaard cough). I gave him a trim too.

Pre-dinner Deliciousness

I think so, anyway...





and Scoutie seems to agree.

The Low Road

Big A is cheating the puppies at play in this picture; I want the record to show that 😊. Also, despite a full day, it felt quite low. But also, I've been remembering Marge Piercy's poem, and plan to share it with the family tomorrow at dinner.

(In other news, birthday parties for KB and SS and a fougasse bake-along with PM and posse.)

Moods

Huckie side-eying the whole world is my current mood.

(Except this picture is hilarious, and I keep bursting into giggles every time I catch sight of it.)

"NPCs?"

Snuck out for a walk with these guys and when the other kids saw this picture, they were a bit jealous and claimed that dad and puppies looked like unreal NPCs. Apparently in video-game-ese it stands for a "non-player character." I see it, actually!

All family pics are either the kids or Big A these days... that's just the way it is in these days because of isolating Big A. Friend-writer SS suggested that I write about how difficult and stressful it is to isolate within the family--but what's there to say beyond how much it sucks?

Simply put:

  

That's it; that's the post.

Do-over Tuesday

It was too windy to walk today (I'd set off with L, T, and R earlier and bailed on them 10 minutes in), so Big A and I chatted inside instead. Scout and Huckie joined us too, but I don't remember what we talked about, actually.

It's Tamil (and Bengali and Malayali) New Year Day! Fresh start #4 or #5 if you're nominally Hindu--haha! It felt odd wishing people in the middle of a pandemic, but 2020 could certainly use a do-over.

When you love your big brother,

the governor's stay-home order sounds like a VERY good idea (to Scout and Huckie anyway)...

Also, At won't admit it, but he kind of likes sneaking peeks at This is Us, which I'm watching with Nu. 

Rising above

I want to be like Huckie!

New Hires

My teaching assistants were great this term, but since we're all only online now and I don't see them anymore, I hired these guys (for the price of two fake-beef chewies).

Yogis/Doggies

I turned around after a yoga sesh yesterday, to find Scout and Huck had been following along (well, kinda ;) ).

And while that was a nice distraction, I'm beginning to appreciate how long this pandemic might last and how intense the health costs might be for us, for so many people. I'm prepped for all sorts of eventualities, so now's the time I begin to worry about people I don't know and things I have zero control over.

I wish I could live through this thing in a yoga trance.

Rambles

Today's ramble was to Lake Lansing, and I may have rambled back to FB too...

Love in the time of Corona

I couldn't completely give up on family dinners, so this is how it is now with Big A on one side and the rest of us clustered on the other side.

It was a strange day that felt like the beginning of a war. The email cancelling in-person classes after today had come in at midnight, so I knew driving in that it was the last day. Then I got stuck in a convoy of military trucks on the highway, and it felt like being in the middle of a post-apocalyptic movie. I hammered out an asynchronous schedule for next week; had Big A order At to come home asap; attended a service at the chapel for graduating seniors who are absolutely crushed that commencement is "postponed," and teared up a few times myself; met with my Friday class and let them vent about having to go home/their dashed hopes for choir-band-track/fears about the virus itself; followed the senior playing bagpipes around campus for a while; heard singers practicing "Loch Lomond" on the steps of the library; and then made my way home. I have the feeling all the sweet details of campus life are going to come back to haunt me as this disruption intensifies.

Notes on 'camp'

Quick overnight trip to Chicago. (In classic irreverent fashion, the human kids called it the great Corona Virus Vacation.) Actually, it was a birthday trip organized by Big A as I love long chatty road trips with all the lovies, having carpet room-service picnics, and falling asleep to a range of deep snores.

As I texted KB who was incredulous that I'd do this to myself--it's the closest I'll ever come to camping.

Where's At at?

First At wanted tickets for himself and a friend.

Then he decided he wasn't coming. So I gave his ticket to someone else.

Then he decided he wanted to go after all.

College kids!!

But the younger sibs miss their silly Nana... So I got an additional ticket online.

It's nicer than our original set of tickets actually, and I may just go sit in it by myself.

Where's Dada? (Where's At?)

 Just me and the babies (Nu, Scout, Huckie) at dinner today. Big A was too sick for the soup that was meant to make him feel better and At's at college, of course--but I don't know that Scout and Huckie (or I!) get that. They still go scampering to claw his door open every time I ask "Where's Nana?" (And I ask that a lot!)

And the award goes to...

Scoutie for his role as a snow rabbit!
(Sitting here watching the Oscars now.)