tripping

everything today feels like it has happened before
before you leave, I fix your smile in my mind
the scent of your forehead from babyhood 
any other time it would be just my love

this time in urgency, I stoop to say

carry your passport with you

and text me a copy of it 

be safe, my love

_____________

Note: At was here for fam dinner with a friend and told us she was going to Arizona for SLE's memorial next week. It sent me into a bit of a panic to think of her going to Arizona all by herself, TBH.

Pic: Huck and Max are misbehaving a bit a the dinner table, Nu's expression says they'd never have been allowed to get away with such behavior, what's up with that?

trying to be strong

Gaza Poets Society has shared many beautiful poems over the years. Yesterday their message was a stark and anguished plea:

"Save our children"

What else is left to say? How can we go on in a world where children are willfully being sniped at and starved to death. I hope we can let the food waiting outside the Israeli blockade get through before it is too late. Everything else can wait.

*

Big A is so much better (fingers firmly crossed) and a good thing too, because he's back at work tonight. I think he could do with at least a couple more days off work, but he's on the schedule. "I exist to make a profit for the hospital's shareholders," is how he explained it to me.

Pic: I took Nance's advice and took A to spend some time with trees... Things have been so nerve-racking, we've barely been outside together. 

separate but not equal

Nice: Big A felt well enough to take Nu to pick up their computer for college. Big day in every way!

At had an annual physical scheduled in Alma (Nice). Her final one under my insurance before she ages out (Not nice.) And we had long conversations on the way there and back (Nice). At returned a novel I'd lent her (Nice) in... I don't know... 2018 (Not nice) Saying with a smirk as she handed it to me that she "didn't want to read it"--just to see my face fall (Not nice). She had read it and loved it and cried at the predictable part (Nice). (When the train pulls out the station with Estha saying "Ammu, feeling vomitty...")

At the end of the day, the whole fam went to a restaurant we usually like a lot (nice). At the end of our okay meal, our white server looked at our table and decided to ask if we wanted two checks (Not nice). It's just one of those "mistakes" that happens to interracial families a lot. I found I couldn't finish my dessert after that... 

Pic: Queen Anne's Lace along the Red Cedar. On a walk to clear my head.

not normal

Now that my mom is a bit more stable, I'm beginning to worry about Big A. It's not normal to have a fever for so many days. As Jenny correctly said, my attitude has been that my mom's "probably a bit more fragile than Big A." But as Jeanie said, "not knowing" is scary. 

It's good I suppose that his labs aren't growing any scary bacteria (apparently, they'll keep looking at it every day or two to check). His best guess for now is that it's an unrelated virus that'll work its way out in time.

At some point in the evening yesterday, I looked up from my book to see tears running down his face and thought he was feeling really down. He was. He'd just read about the cardiologist and his family who were killed by an Israeli airstrike. This isn't normal either. There's so much happening on our watch and we're expected to carry on as though it shouldn't matter.

Pic: Max snuggled up to Big A and fast asleep. I need some good sleep sprawled out in abandon like this!

 

Wonder Women

Thank you for the well wishes. Mom is doing better. If she continues to be stable, they'll move her out of the ICU tomorrow. My seventy-nine-year-old mom has chronic heart and lung problems, but as Big A said, she's living to fight another day. 

I nearly died every time the phone rang today, imagining the worst. One branch in my brain's flowchart was already making arrangements to travel to Bangalore. Simultaneously, another branch was completely certain that everything would be alright, how could the world go on without Amma?

I know the day is coming for me, for all of us, and especially people my age. Just this week, I've had friends describe parents as "actively dying" and witnessed (on Facebook) friends whose last parent died describe how it's never old to feel like an orphan. They were not ready. I know I'm not ready. I doubt anyone ever is. 

Anyway, because my sister and I were constantly texting yesterday, I took some strength in thinking of ourselves as Wonder Women. Our group chat name plays with this theme--it's called "Wanda Women" since one of our family names is Wandawasi. 

Pic: Top--our "Wanda Women" Profile photo; Bottom--the photo Big A took the morning they left. Nu is a bonus presence in both.

back

The two on the left are now back in Bangalore.

I started the day stupid sad, but got progressively better as I crossed tasks off my to-do list.

Pic: From family dinner the day before they left. Amma, Chelli, Huck, At, Nu, and Max. I love everyone so much.... but have to say, Huck is the best poser.

airport picnics and no buenos

Today was goodbye. This second week really raced past. My dad is so awesome for managing by himself for two weeks... I really couldn't ask for a longer visit. But it was difficult saying goodbye. 

We found a four-leafed clover to pack for travel good luck. And Nu helped me with the big suitcases and Big A managed to jenga us into one car with all the luggage despite his dinged-up elbow.

When we got to the airport, it turned out that one of their four suitcases weighed more than allowed (50 lbs). So I repacked it so it (and the other suitcases) came in at 49.5. I felt like a hero because we avoided the 100$ fine. 

And I felt like a superhero when our little airport picnic of Parsi omelette sandwiches and veggies from the garden was pronounced perfect. But then they had to head for their gate via TSA and that's when my hero and superhero mantle crumbled and I (we all) (predictably) cried a bit.

And I cried lots more when I got home because Nu and Big A were there to be comforting. My poor long-suffering Big A--I spiraled a bit about my mom growing old, my sister not having a job, and how climate change is going to disproportionately affect places like India.

Anyway... we ate leftovers for dinner (yesterday's ratatouille and yogurt bread) and then I found a giant package of Kinder Bueno that my mom hadn't been able to fit into her luggage and left behind. I try not to eat questionably sourced chocolate, but this package was already here and Nu can't eat it (tree nut allergy), so I set to work. I've eaten seven (maybe eight) things this evening. Each one has two bars. 

Pic: Amma and me. Photo by Chelli (baby sis). 

from here to go-dhuli

our words tear paths

as if we are oracles

our touch gathers

courage as though 

there's no law for it 

mosquitoes now follow us home 

knocking on our window panes

like tiny trickster castaway birds

who are also sorrowful orphans 

it is yet a quiet sky

as the clouds go by 

in the long intimacy

of anguish, a golden

go-dhuli dust blooms

my mother has promised us love

and it is in this clearing: quiet as--

wary as-- gentle as-- worn as-- cattle

waiting and gentling into another time

_____________________________

Note: Go-dhuli, literally "dust of cows" in Sanskrit, the golden hour of sunset when cattle return home; it is considered to be a beautiful and auspicious time and is a nostalgic trope. Cows are revered as archetypal mothers (Go-matha) in Hindu-Indian culture. (I mean, that's where "holy cow" as an expression probably came from!?) Also, my mom and I have a very silly, longstanding act where we play cow and calf.

____________________________

Pic: Nu's photo of Chelli, Huck, Max, and me reading in the afternoon. (Or Chelli and I are trying to anyway.)

home and away

My India fam is back from the trip to visit friends and we've been inseparable all day. Time is running out. This is likely my mom's last trip to the U.S. I don't feel like I can ask her to undertake 24-hour travel for me again. It's tough facing it, but my once irrepressible mom is not as hearty or hardy. 

My sis and I have shared all the hacks and jokes we'd been saving up for each other. And she now knows all my walking paths, so when I send pictures of scenery, she'll know where they came from.

Big A is doing ok... It's his first wipeout in 35+ years of bicycling and I think that hurts the most.

Three nice things for me this week: 1) I got randomly picked as volunteer of the month at Helping Women Period and I shared that on social media in case other people wanted to get involved too. 

2) I got an email from the colleague who runs the travel abroad program conveying some generous remarks from a student. That was nice in itself. I didn't realize until I got a thank you from the provost that the colleague had copied other people too. I thought that was extra magnanimous.

3) One of the editors of a recent thing I sent off wrote to another editor about my piece: "Isn't this just wonderful?" It's not much and doesn't mean anything in terms of production--but it just seemed so cheerful and unfiltered, it has made me smile every time I've thought of it. 

Pic: Huck and Max. A bit serious--they like the extra pets with extra fam around, but they're not sure they like sharing me.

going through the (e)motions

Off to Grand Rapids today to visit the #1 Sculpture Park in the USA (are there others?) and then dinner at a friend's place until late at night when we had to break away to do our nightly video call with dad.

Already mom is feeling some anxiety about being away from dad.

Already I feel like I'm going through the motions and not enjoying this moment as much as I could be. I know I'll look back on this trip... I know we couldn't have done more, but I think I could do better compartmentalizing some of my grief about SLE so not making more of this amazing time we have together doesn't become another regret to tote. 

Pic: Sis, Nu, and mom at Meijer Gardens. The majestic greenhouses are in the background.

in honor of those who came before us

We're reading Angeline Boulley's Warrior Girl Unearthed for book club. Much of it takes place in northern Michigan--on Sugar Island where L had disappeared to last week, in fact. It is YA, but deftly deals with NAGPRA and the book is wonderfully infused with details about indigenous Ojibwe culture. 

So we took a road trip yesterday to visit the Ziibiwing Center where I was happy to introduce my fam and Mr. Ray to each other. On the way home, we stopped by my office for a picnic lunch.

Pic: Nu's photo of us by the college sign. (I cropped some of it out.)

we're worth it

Already unthinkably wild things have been done and said (by my mom, natch) and wilder things have been said in support (by Big A who is her sidekick, sometimes.) 

Pic: Max and Huck aren't quite sure what to make of it all. I seem caught by surprise (and so, so much happiness) too.

Did I get this wrong?

The news seems so huge, I feel I must be understanding it wrong. Birthright citizenship ended in the United States today (or at least that's what it sounds like). So kids born here many not automatically be citizens of the state? And relatedly, each state can decide what it wants for itself, so we're more like a federation than a republic? We have no national laws?

Also SB1 (Senate Bill 1) prohibiting DEI in education was enacted into law in Ohio. So the Women's Center, where I worked before this (Wright State U in Dayton, Ohio), just closed and all the people I used to work with are out a job.

Pic: With Big A, Max, and Huck. In the grass, looking up.
 

memento amoris

A snake yesterday; zombies today. Only on film, thankfully. We picked At up from work and got a leisurely dinner and ice cream before seeing 28 Years Later, a franchise At and I are particularly fond of. It was unexpectedly tender for a zombie film. While the memento mori parts were predictable, the instruction--"memento amoris"--was not and it really resonated. Everyone will inevitably die, but will we have loved as much as we could?

While on love, here's an amazing poem I found this week. It's by John Roedel: on the days/when it feels like/I have no power/I serve others/you see/whenever I wash the world's feet/my hands/immediately/stop shaking. Wow. This is kind of true for me too.

And in the love department, we watched the Rick Steves tour of Esfahan ("extraordinary mosques and endearing people") because it's unlikely that we'll ever be able to see it for ourselves now. My love for that one particular shade of Isfahan blue comes from a picture in a book I had when I was eight or nine. 

And since the beginning of this year, EM and I and then Nu and I have been talking about Mississippi Masala--that movie from 30+ years ago with Denzel Washington and Sarita Choudhary, which won awards and hearts for depicting a love affair between an Indian woman and a black man. So that's one of the many, many reasons we're so happy that Zohran Mamdani has won the primary as NYC mayoral candidate--that movie was made by his mom, Mira Nair. 

Pic: At, Big A, and Nu in the parking lot. I love them a lot.

our tiny hero

Big A had been at work last night and I woke up this morning to him shouting about something. 

He was shouting about a snake. A snake in the puppies' room. 

He'd been refilling their water, but Huck seemed uncharacteristically uninterested in greeting him and then he saw that Huck's attention was on a tiny snake that had probably made its way into the house via the doggie door. 

I helped by holding Max, and spotting the snake as it glided under and out of furniture (all the stuff you can see here)  so Big A could catch and release it. But it was fearless Huck who really helped chase it out the backdoor.

I wonder... what would have happened if Big A hadn't been refilling the water bowls at that precise moment. Would the snake just be roaming the entire house? Do we already have other snakes who just live here?

Also... I don't know if this is the same Mx. Slithers I saw last year. But yesterday, I did drop a lot of clove powder in the garden where I saw them last year to drive them away. I wonder... if that smell drove them indoors. So is this, too, my fault after all?

I was pretty shaken and after Big A went for a post-call nap. I had to emergency snuggle with Nu who was in bed and very sleepy and unsympathetic. ("Gawd, Mama--I bet it was just a little snake. If you want a garden there's gonna be snakes." Unsympathetic, but sensible?)

So grateful for Huck's calm and valiant work today. Our 12-year-old who, as our vet says, looks like a "perma-puppy" and acts like a kitty and is 100% hero.

Pic: Huck getting love in a friend's lap last week. 

the hits keep coming

I worked in the garden for six hours straight, with Max and Huck for company now and again, because I could not bear to be around the radio or my computer. I planted, replanted, cleaned the pond, fixed some fencing, and weeded a ton. They say we had a heat wave today. I guess? It was very hot and I was a sweaty mess by the time I decided to head back in. (I barely sweat usually, so this is kind of a big deal.) 

Also, I noticed flat white spots on my legs last week. I think I have IGH (Idiopathic Guttate Hypomelanosis). (Self-diagnosis via Google, and Big A concurs.) I thought it was age-related--like liver spots only in reverse, but no--it's because I'm such a sun-seeker. Also, as a proper Indian person, my first thought was leprosy, and it reminded me of the summer all the adults in the family tested me for leprosy with a safety pin.  

In serious health news, MIL had a mini stroke and has a cardioversion scheduled for next week. She would like me to enjoy my visit with my mom, but I wish I could go / feel like I should go be with her. In any case, this reminder of how quickly people's health can undergo a shift is unwelcome.

And world news continues to be awful. Children are eating dirt in Gaza while trucks with food to feed a million people are blockaded a few miles away. Plus we seem to be drifting into a war. I'm sorry for all the people in the bombed cities in Iran, but I was particularly devastated to hear Isfahan was one of them. I always longed to visit that ancient city known as "half the world." Also, I didn't think I'd be grateful for discrimination, but at least the military won't want my trans kids.

Pic: Yesterday I stopped by my office to pick up some books and water my plants and saw the college spirit rock had new colors. I wonder if it's the work of new Indian students or new Irish students. I've always loved how the mutual flag colors represent the alliances between the Irish and Indian independence movements. 

escape from injustice and war

Pic: Nu's photo of Max and me. I want to do only escapist things like read and snuggle and gaze into puppies' eyes forever and ever.

Happy SolsticeWeekend! 

Happy Free Mahmoud Khalil Day! 

I don't want to think about the Supreme Court's decision to ban gender affirming care to minors. I don't want to think about how the U.S. has bombed Iran... and if that means we're in another war now.

There are many poems about war. Here's Mahmoud Darwish's:

The war will end

The leaders will shake hands

The old woman will keep waiting for her martyred son

The girl will wait for her beloved husband

And those children will wait for their hero father

I don’t know who sold our homeland

But I saw who paid the price

It's quite cis-het normative, isn't it? I didn't remember that about the poem... 

Five for Friday (Cheer)

1) Blog friends: Jenny listed five cheerful things to buoy herself up after a bad week and I could feel myself slipping into a funk (as my dad would say), so I decided to follow her example. 

Something beautiful that has given me great joy lately is Nance's piece titled "Night Rides."  I've gone back and reread it many times since she first published it. It's got that magical childhood nostalgia and evocative writing--transportive... transformative. 

Also, Lisa kindly introduced me to Jeanie who blogs from my city. Jeanie has a brilliant smile and the kind of warm and intriguing personality that made me want to make up all the time I'd missed spending with her.  So I invited her to a gathering at my place a few weeks ago. As I was about to introduce her to L, L exclaimed, "I know that smile!" Turns out Jeanie is famous! SO many people at that party knew Jeanie from her work on public television. I didn't know I'd befriended a celebrity!

2) Summer break: Not only is it break time. I've achieved peak break-time brain. I had to stop and figure out what day of the week it was. Perfect!

3) Family: Big A has a new nickname at work; the nurses are calling him Dr. Zamboni. Apparently, the E.R. is usually full when he gets in to work, but they love how good he is at getting people care/referrals/tests/discharges, so they're relieved when he's on the schedule because he clears things up. Sounds like a superhero to me.

4) New students: Nu signed up for classes this week, so it reminded me that students are signing up and I peeked at my new student rosters.  And there are so many new-to-me students! Yay! (And also one student whom I've known since they were a toddler. We're going to their grad party tomorrow, actually. This goes against my self-imposed rule of no family or friends in my class. I'll work on dissuading them later this summer.)

5) Pic: From last October's trip to Arches and Canyonlands National Parks. If you asked me, I would say I like water views and green, lush landscapes... but I constantly find myself thinking about these majestic, arid, red formations. Their dimensions make me feel so small and their endurance makes me feel so hopeful. I think I'm besotted with them. I went back and looked through old pictures. 

summer sadness

all my grandparents are dead

 all of them now live with me

and  I am as tired as they are

calibrating so many endings

sadness settles--a misreading

a waiting whimpers in veins

possibilities turn impossible 

like feelings I try not to feel 

 I've told myself: I've no right

things are good, it's summer

even skies are on my side &

sunshine is...  the  purest kiss

 but I go full sol  to soulful 

to the solstice of  solipsism 

I  know  I... cannot fly, yet

mindlessly look for wings

_________________

Pic: Out with Max and Huck early in the morning. The dogwood friends gave me for my birthday is in full bloom this week. L said she'd picked out a Kousa, because it is a late bloomer like me. She really gets me :).

Three Things from Tuesday's to do/done list

1) Trip to Ikea with Nu this morning. Our plan was to blast our Indian (Hindi, Telugu, + Tamil) playlist and I would translate key parts of the chorus for Nu. But the first few songs had predominantly English lyrics. "Oh, are they saying, 'Take the world and paint it red'?" Nu asked archly of this song, for instance. So we were laughing about that, and then Nu fell asleep. On the way back Nu played me their new fave artist--a Swedish rapper called Bladee (who raps in English). The auto-synth gave me a headache, but I was a good sport because the lyrics provided ample cues to talk about mental health, relationships, drugs, and sex.

2) I fixed my bad record of not submitting any poetry this year by turning in a submission last week... and received a rejection. (And immediately began to worry that I'll NEVER place another poem EVER again.)

3) In yet another marathon gabfest this evening with the CUN(ext)T(uesday) friends, I got excellent advice as usual. I need to work on making those long overdue (by years and years) medical appointments. I feel I'm very in tune with my body and don't need preventative tests, but I'm probably just telling myself that because I find mammograms and pap smears very uncomfortable. And while vaguely on medical subjects, I have to say the woman who helped me place Nu's contact lenses order was an absolute gem--not only did she find a $150 rebate, she called me five minutes after our call to say she'd convinced my patchy eye-insurance to pay up another $120.

Pic: Three canoes on The Red Cedar from my long walk yesterday.