blooper shot

I was going to post pictures of our party for JG's and MB's retirement, but I didn't ask everyone's permission. So instead, here's a screen grab of me gazing up adoringly at KB that I found hilarious. I've always said my decision to come here was in part because of KB--she wasn't on my search committee, but she had been tasked to have lunch with the candidate (me). I feel like I'm in an old timey teen movie when I'm with KB--like an extra in a John Hughes film on the verge of a manageable adventure. 

Anyway the party went great! I got all the things done thanks to Nu who was an amazing sous chef and decorator and Big A who DJ-ed and moved furniture and took photos and At who helped with the fancy candle and got singed but still went on to do bug control.  

JG and MB loved everything and I'm so glad I got to do this for them. And thanks to them, I kind of feel ready to have more intimate gatherings again. 

I hope.

calm

I walked with L; went to the farmers' market with BS; worked in the garden; did some menu planning; hung out with the Big, Li'l, and Baby As; took a nap with Scout and Huck; chatted/talked/texted/group-texted to family and friends; and did not get a single work email.

the walking cure

(for K.B.)

We haven't seen each other in weeks

we're to go on a walk

I expected a ladylike turn on campus

but here you are 

in sneakers, leading an active puppy 

so we end up 

wending our way to Luce Road where

we remember

how our current high schoolers were tiny

preschoolers

whose peanut allergies then seemed 

to riddle absence--

are now surviving, becoming new people

with "hot dates"

imagining themselves un-endangered 

have new names 

in today's succulence, there is rain

but also umbrellas

there are mosquito bites that bead 

my arms like biceps 

words hang between us like roots

seeking new growth

you guide each signal that tumbles out 

kindly, grace-fully

we're filling out equations of sympathy 

on each side  

even in all that happens to interrupt us

because somehow

it seems, you believe in my goodness

as I trust in yours--

oh, how are we such miracles, friend--

finding us in this world

Pic: KB, W, and bike-path friends in Alma.

sonnet on a commute

the road is a ribbon feeding on itself 

a dream snake

the car is an empty room but for me

the sun glares back 

sultry beyond windows and stealthy  

in the soupy day

I'm wondering if radios will play on 

at the end of the world

as I watch my future burning like fuel 

past lonely road kill

the road keeps coming, a stream of poison

being sucked out of me

my family knows my day from my absence

I pick up the distance and go 

surprises

On an early morning walk with L, we found these lotuses blooming out of the sludge and rain water. No one seemed to have refilled the lotus pond at the horticultural gardens, but here they were anyway.

At the end of the day, I found myself in the unprecedented and awkward position of having been suggested/nominated for three different service positions.

random

I have no idea why I took this picture of our shadows (Big A and me) yesterday, but I like that my shadow looks vaguely like a mermaid's.

I've tried not to dwell on the news (abortion bans, voting suppressions, Afghanistan, rising rates of Covid) this week in favor of focussing on being the best teacher and parent I can be.

No updates on how that's going yet.

Almost all caught up on admin and to-dos for a bunch of side gigs (CASA, Jaggery, NWSA, and SAWNET) and feeling some relief from that.

Onward.

intense

<< Nu's sketch book project is complete. And it's intense and detailed. I love every element of it. My not-so-little emo punk has been a fan of rats their entire life, I think. The MCR fandom is more recent.

*

I got the kind of day in the garden I'd hoped for all summer--just weeding, de-scumming the pond, puttering. Scout was (as usual) the only baby who kept me company.💗 Got some neater paths and tons of burrs and mosquito bites to show for my labor.

*

Monitored the Evite for next week's celebration, and finalized the food and setup. I wish everyone would hurry up and RSVP! I want to move on to the next stage of prep!

You know what...

I think I've taken on too much this year. At the end of this first week back, I'm deeply depleted and exhausted.

Pic: Late evening walk with Big A. The river was peaceful and lovely, but when one walks with Big A and his Apple watch, there's no tarrying.

birthdays and first days

It's my grandmother's birthday today, so this picture of her just before she got married at 16 has been doing the rounds on cousins' chat. As has something I wrote long ago.

First day of classes today... I panicked hard yesterday, despite having taught in person all of last year. But the usual combination of over prepping and the endorphin-adrenalin rush of being in front of a class kicked in and all was well. Finished up work with a small reception at the president's house for being on a search committee that met all summer long.

When I got home, Big A was napping ahead of a work-night, At was off canvassing, Nu was in the basement knuckle-deep in a paint project for a class. So I grabbed my Culver's dinner from L's fundraiser for Peacequest, queued up some Felicity on ye olde laptop, and ate with Scout and Huck for company. 

A bit of an anticlimactic end to the day, TBH. 

check-in

I video chatted dad for his birthday last night (by myself, it was already morning in Bangalore) and this morning (with the rest of the fam). Video calls are better than audio-only calls, because it's easier for dad to understand what we're saying when there's visual context. I wish I could have been there. I miss my parents.

<<<Amma sent me this picture of a long ago beach day--I guess the beach has always been a happy place for me. When I showed this picture to At and Nu, they chortled at tiny me. One of them claimed: "It's like you took your face and put it on a child's body." I mean, I was a child once.

It's EM's birthday too (just goes to show how astrology doesn't work as she's nothing like my dad!) and BS's first day as a prof. so I took them cake to sweeten their special days.

The rest of the day has been little fires and email fire-fighting and finishing up final edits and diagnostics... classes start tomorrow! I'm my usual mixture of yikes+yippee.

the opposite of down is really long

remind me to take a step back
take in the silver habit 
of a grey day

pacing love and dissent, weaving
every day the excitement 

of reunion  

days we laughed, we sometimes

wept--from stories we heard

around radios

life feels so small it's basically 

one tunnel--just one that 

runs forever

Pic and notes: Early morning walk with Big A, Huck, and Scout. Grey day--busy all the way through and no good news at home (roofer canceled, Covid rises) or abroad. We were almost devoured by mosquitoes. 

snapshot

Nu didn't want their picture this year, so instead here's a snapshot of a busy day via a few minutes of family chat. 

At took his puppy sibs for shots and a groom, gave them their meds, cleaned Huckie's ears, picked up his human sibling from school, and as it turns out--was the one who reheated the pasta (I'd made at midnight) for our dinner today.

We joke about his post-college life at home being his adulthood "residency," but I can't imagine how we'd have pulled today off without him. 

Nu had a busy day and spent much of the evening finishing up school tasks and rewriting their notes--I love how hard they are trying to start off right this year.  

My day was packed, but I had a whole hour for lunch despite every morning meeting running overtime. I debated taking a power nap, or a walk, or doing some yoga on my Mirror app, or seeing if friends on campus wanted to meet... but I ended up doing email and doomscrolling. I'll do better tomorrow.

hot take

Back walking along the Red Cedar with L today... Scout and Huck heard her at the door when she came to pick me up this morning and went bonkers to see her as she'd been taking care of them while we were gone. Lovely walk; lovely talk; lovely L.

Canceled my planned walk with BS (it was too, too hot and I was way too tired after catching up on housekeeping and new student schedule changes). I was going to cancel my walk with EM too, but she canceled first. Ha. I didn't even have to plead for the pandemic pass as we'd established.

Still thinking of At's impromptu detour yesterday to the Battle of Homestead site. Still thinking and still processing... and so moved by the small donor-funded memorials (physical and virtual) and their commitment to solidarity and workers' rights. 

contrapuntal

I enjoyed this reminder about rest today.

Then I got a slew of reports, reimbursement forms, RSVPs, surveys, student advising and scheduling, etc. turned in, so I can take some guilt-free time off this weekend.

That's the plan, anyway.

Fall Term (and a mini-vacation) approach. 

american euphoric

 

I got a good picture of S and J with all the grandkids for the family holiday card. I wish I had gotten the childhood portrait of Big A just behind At's shoulder... but Scout's butt wouldn't fit.  

*

Obviously, I titled this post as a riff on Wood's American Gothic, but my capability for normalcy and jokes about American-ness is dimmed by the horrific news from Afghanistan and diminished in the emotionally exhausting aftermath of having just finished Ayad Akhtar's Homeland Elegies.

the present

1. 

Thirteen years of this same name 

with a few million different versions 

to use in love, jokes, threats, loving

2. 

When they decide for a new name

another parent tells me that a name 

is like a present, no one has to like it 

3. 

just because you gave it to them...

They know what's best for them, they

get to decide if they want a new name.

4. 

Then they do decide for a new name--

You know this name's unisex, right?

But--it still fits wrong, they say. So

5. 

when they decided for a new name, I

find I'm delighted to have an excuse 

to look at lists of baby names again

6. 

With their new name, we learned they

can ask teachers to use the new one

but can't officially change it at school--

7. 

that's another year with the same name

...but people ask us how to pronounce it

(because both names are from Sanskrit)

8. 

we're tricksters this first year with the new 

name: just tell them the old name is said

like the name you picked, I say. I'm loved

9. 

more in this first year with their new name 

it's like they spread their prayers like wings

these are small things, but they can fly now

10. 

When they decided on this new name, I...

was really relieved the new name began

kind of same way that their old one did--

11. 

so in this first year with the new name--

I can catch myself before I land wrong. 

Doesn't Elliot Page have a name like that?

12. 

I don't even remember--they're saying--

what it was, they're in the present; I'm 

rewarded with them happy in this year 

13. 

with just a new name

of darker days

> Torrential rains last night and then a pretty innocent-looking morning. Yet at my all-kids-pre-breakfast cuddle/huddle, At remarked on how it already looked darker at our regular wake up time.

*

< Started Ayad Akhtar's Homeland Elegies. FML, I didn't expect so much of that first chapter to be about Trumpfzzzz. It has been such a relief not to have to deal with that din on the daily.

a time of discernment

My humans are each engaged in a personal time of discernment...

Nu is figuring out being 13, their gender, and responsibilities and anxieties around high school...

At is experiencing post-graduation life and making meaning of his impromptu gap year...

Big A is dealing with a change of employer and the potential loss/depletion of research funds...

I appear to be panicking at will and slipping into periods of sadness routinely... None of it is inexplicable--if I think about it I can pull up tons of reasons why I should be sad. But it's not particularly discerning or meaningful.

Anyway, something that brought me a momentary chuckle today: I'd switched Siri to "Indian voice" recently. And good thing I did too. When I turned the phone's flashlight on by accident today, I was both faraway and flustered and slipped into Indian/British mode, asking Siri to turn off "the torch." And... it was done even before I stammered out "I mean flashlight." Nice discernment, Indian voice Siri.

Pic: Waterlilies at MSU Horticultural Gardens.

broads

A bright blue, sunny, HOT day and I spent much of it with JG in a belated joint birthday celebration visiting the Broad Museum (another item off my summer list), discovering a brand new restaurant with outdoor seating, and walking down the riverwalk--just us two broads (ha!) talking, talking, talking.

(I noticed the return of masks--mandatory at the museum, prominent at the restaurant, and intermittent on the riverwalk.)

I didn't find time to dedicate to exercise, but if the goal is to sweat everyday, I certainly achieved that on our 90-degree day.

walking the walk

I've been walking with the kids fairly regularly--pictured here are three of four. 

The human kids frequently "take turns" walking with me. Not in an eager way--but more like one is busy today so could the other step in, etc. 

For some reason, it sort of makes me happy because it makes me imagine that when I'm elderly and need their care they'll negotiate a mutually compassionate and equitable way to make that work too.

The puppy kids are, naturally, happy to walk any time.