"maybe-you're-just-like-my-mother" day

The human kids helped me clean and restock our Little Free Library and then all the kids worked in the garden--digging, clearing, weeding, pruning, and planting in the veggie plots. There are piles of autumn leaves everywhere, but the paths are now cleared and we'll need not fear running out of spearmint and/or peppermint (which came back strong over the winter) any time soon. Ha.

I had a walk with EM planned and the kids had planned to take me out for a walk later, but it looked like a downpour, so we stayed in, and they made me a big pot of tea, which we drank in the tea garden while we did a puzzle and then played cards.

Dinner was personalized mezze platters everyone helped to make. 

It was such a lovely day.

This is only a test

I got home from the weekly grocery shop, predictably getting a bit carried away in the greenhouse buying (mostly inexpensive) begonias, geraniums, vinca vines, and spikes. In this test of my devising, unpacking the car--in the absence of a potting table or potting shed--I (hilariously) stuck the tiny pots into the frames and gutters of the Big A's precious ladders. Now to wait for his reaction. Would he: 

A. clap his hands in delight and pronounce it charming (no chance of this)

B. shake his head with a rueful smile and ask me to move them soon (probably)

C-F. any response less loving/indulgent than B. 

(Dear Diary, he got a B.)

combat landscape

these shapes of things we thought of

when wet and swampy from birthing

imprint on us bossily--love or neglect

the effects of hurt and genius and dirt

yet it feels like power--this waking up

making ourselves anew for each day

remembering how you would catch me

when I spilled over like a careless drink

now spent things colored big and blue

as bruises have swollen shut the doors

to all the places we've ever left behind

so in our minds, we recount loss all day

 

say: can you hear me--1, 2, 3;  I, 2, 3--?

faraway and wingless, yet needing to be 

we sift sight and experience: for our eyes

see forts while our hands feel for forests

promise

this is where i will love you

this is how you're spoken for

i will surround you with care

i will celebrate you with song

you will be stronger for my love

all i say to you will be only kind

you will know you are important 

find comfort when you "just can't"

we'll still need the earth for this body

as we fill the sky with soul and dreams

if they fall into a net, i'll make you a nest 

even should you falter, i'll believe in your best

Mostly a promise to anyone who needs it, even if it's mostly me. 

The nice things I've done for myself recently (pedestrian objects alert) is (a) get toothbrushes with tiny heads--perhaps they don't renovate my mouth, hasten world peace, etc., but they also don't constantly bump up against my gums and teeth; (b) get sporks--so easy to use esp. when multitasking and all the better for cleaning my plate/bowl.

Second-vaccine-shot, college-graduation, and birthday weekend for this guy

 

"alone in a world so cold"

the world changes in the next line 
not in a full way/just kidding
but I summon/succumb

start assuming our story as reality--
no--a fantasy--something festal 
--or elastic as seasons

and still--don't know where I'm going
but I'm going and I'm arriving
where you will embrace me

-----------------------------------

On this windy, spring day: At graduated today with honors in Poli Sci and History. Jim Daniels as commencement speaker was a pleasant surprise.

limen

every dead thing is sainted 
even if impermanent 

as sadness, staining breath,
straining glass

while our faces sigh into it--
an empty staircase 
of smoke, of panic, prayer 
rising, now howling

"open the door, open it"
gasping, holding on

to memories, remembering 

doors used to open

Arundhati Roy: "We are witnessing a crime against humanity"

"how can you just leave me standing"

Our last class... just last week, and I already miss these people.

"animals strike curious poses"

...some of my favorite animals.

I was sitting in Nu's window seat--they have one of the best views in the house--when these guys came to find me. It reminded me of that time they busted me in At's room.
 

scraps

I expected fanfare at sunrise

instead here is an aperture 

into resurrection

in immense welcome of it all

yolk of sun, soup of soil

feed the taste of return

solving the mystery of missing

things by... just growing in

limbs uncurling out

freed from winter's quarantine 

in the drama of the moment

rests a dirge for the day

[Ely Woods]

A Study in Scarlet

Big A spring-cleaned our study, scrubbed the tiled floor, and moved rugs around this weekend. The resulting palette is kind of all kinds of red especially around my reading chair, adorably added to here by Huckie carrying a red dinner napkin around...

I sent this pic to family chat with the caption "A Study in Scarlet," and was miffed no one got the nerdy reference.

just

There's just a little.

But a little is about all I can manage right now.

[Baker Woods]

reflection

Just scraps of cherry blossom petals; dead leaves; dank water; my bundled-up, masked, shadowy reflection...

Somehow, I love these colors and shapes together.

[MSU Horticultural Gardens]

"make me a channel"

Two colleague-friends on the third floor have birthdays this week, and what a perfect time (plus a privilege and a pleasure) to share the work of Sophfronia Scott (who'll soon be on our floor) with them.

Otherwise a busy, busy, busy day with meetings starting at 8 am and student grading, consultations, and some cheerleading/handholding throughout. 

Because I was personally in a funk (™my dad) last week, I forgot to say how proud I am of my students who did a wonderful job with the WGS symposium and then over-performed on Honors Day despite all the pandemic-inherent obstacles. Hearing their idealistic and confident descriptions of why their humanities research was important made me tear up more than once. And one of my sponsees took the humanities Kapp Prize.

AK wrote me: You know your students today were rock-stars right? Your light as a teacher has clearly lit them up as well. While that's clearly a kind overstatement, and I don't want to take away from my students' clear sense of agency and genius--it nevertheless made me feel like I was doing good in this world. Even if only as an intermediary.

please distract me

I found some late hellebores and early daisies by the pond to distract me... Then work with students took up the rest of the day.

My social media is heartbreaking right now, with Indian friends looking for leads on plasma, drugs, ventilators, hospital beds... 

My sister and I were wondering if our parents should get tested--I was worried about further exposure, but apparently there are teams that do home visits. 

Late (very late) last night, a bookclub friend posted that their little one had broken their arm and that they were headed to the E.R. Big A was working in the ED, so I checked with him and gave them his work cell.  This morning when I thanked Big A, I told him that when he's away, working nights, taking care of populations usually under-cared for, I feel I'm doing something good for the world too (although all I'm actually doing is wandering around insomniac and doomscrolling). 

sweet/hurt

My sweet Nu made me a matching rainbow kandi bracelet and taught me how to trade it proper P.L.U.R.-style.

Definitely the highlight of my weekend.

I'm worried about Covid spikes in MI and even more worried about the tsunami of numbers coming out of India. Extremely worried for my parents who got their second vaccine shot last week, and are experiencing some persistent and alarming discomfort / symptoms.

break

I had to push myself to put on my hiking boots and meet L this morning, but I'm glad I did... a bramble-y, mossy trek through Ely Woods along the Red Cedar, a brilliant blue sky, and L listening without judgement made things a bit bearable.

I thought I would work in the garden for a bit when I got home... but I didn't. 

I actually don't know what I did today. Ha.

a nothing burger

 

A big day and I'm drained--I have nothing left in me to share. 

But this picture on family chat made me chuckle. 

These three had headed out to bring back some Impossible Burgers (there was an ad on tv), but the Burger King on Grand River Ave was just not there. How did we not notice? 

Apparently, it has been gone since August?

just sayin'

Nu isn't allowed to say the "B" word. 

None of us really do--but I did buy some Bitchin' Sauce because the name made me chuckle (and it's tasty!). Now the sauce is all gone and Nu has a new earring.

And it's definitely making a statement.

And reminded me of a long ago moment.

simmer

I'm stopped at the traffic light at on my way home and it turns into a wait for the slowest train in the world to pass.

There's a rap on the window and At's face beaming down at me. I unlock the doors, he pops in, I hug him so hard. He takes off his mask; I tell him to keep it on; he's all "but we're vaccinated;" and I'm all "you haven't had the second shot yet." Then he's referencing something about Bill Gates and vaccines--maybe this? 

I begin laughing because it's so random--and as I told him, in a couple of days I'm going to think I dreamt this whole sequence of things.

And I'm laughing because I'm so relieved to see and hold him on yet another day when to be the mother of a brown-skinned man is a day for a slow simmering fear.