Friday, February 20, 2026

lining up

Grief has been crippling lately. Meditating at the altar in the middle of the night, seeing Scout and my mom side by side, I found fresh regret for not knowing that mom was going, for not being able to say a final goodbye--the way I was able to with Scout. If I had known ahead of time, I could have flown to Bangalore. 

Past me must have decided that I needed to do more things, because my calendar has been jam-packed.

But current me had to deal with an Urgent Care trip for Big A on Tuesday (Long Covid is no joke) and an emergency vet trip for Huckleberry on Wednesday (waiting on results) and had to cancel some previously made plans.

But I still got to see Lucas Zelnick perform today and see the world premiere of Sally (based on the experience of Sally Hemmings) yesterday. 

Pic: A bunch of us at Sally; I'm nicely nestled between friends.

13 comments:

J said...

Grief is no joke my friend. Crippling indeed. Yesterday I went to a local park that has a lovely rose garden (no roses this time of year, of course), where we took Mulder on his last day. They sell bricks for the walkway as a fundraiser, and I (again) considered buying one for him.

Of course you wish you had had the chance to say goodbye. I saw my mom the day before she died, and I was so scared and worried, but I did not think that she was going to die or that I would never see her again. I wish I had stayed longer and not been so frustrated with her. Big sigh.

I’m sorry that Big A is still suffering from long Covid! That’s no joke either.

Nicole said...

Oh jeez, I'm sorry about Big A and Huck both, hope all is okay on that front.
Grief. I know. You just never know when the waves are going to hit - I think sometimes it's like a "rogue wave" at the beach. Usually you can stand on the beach and watch the waves come in, and you get it, you know when they are going to hit. And then sometimes a rogue wave comes in and hits you unaware. I feel like that's how it goes, you might feel okay and then something hits out of nowhere.

Gillian said...

Take care.

StephLove said...

I'm sorry new worries are colluding with old griefs. Doesn't seem fair. I hope you enjoyed the play.

Jeanie said...

Yikes. i knew about Big A but Huck too? I hope everything will be OK for both -- and soon. I love that you have the altar and a "place." Yes, sudden can be so very hard. You've got this -- I know you do. But we will always wonder.

maya said...

I read today that people often wait to leave until their loved ones are no longer in the room, J. Maybe, that's what your mama was doing to spare you <3

maya said...

The rogue wave image is so apt, Nicole. As is the unrelenting crash of the regular ones. Ugh.

maya said...

Thank you.

maya said...

Thanks, Steph. (I did not enjoy the play for several reasons... Haven't sorted it all out yet.)

maya said...

Thanks, Jeanie. I'm surprised that I had not thought of that regret until this week. Always something new. Ha.

Nance said...

That's too many urgencies and Things Out Of Your Control. I'm sorry.

Grief is cruel and often a bully. It exploits your vulnerabilities and hits you when you're down, but it also can steal in during a happy moment. I wish there were a formula or strategy. XO

J said...

Grief IS a bully! Nicely said. That anticipatory grief, stealing ones joy…that is some serious BS and I have felt it too often.

maya said...

A bully! I like to stand up to bullies, so this is a useful frame; thank you, Nance.

easy like Sunday mornings

Life was easy today. Being honest so I don't get more undue credit. We stocked up on food for the week, and then... headed for the beach...