The only thing that comforts me on some level is being able to take myself off on long, almost punishing walks... It's a luxury reserved for days when I have the time. Then when I do I always feel a pang of anguish for a dear friend who also enjoys walks but can't right now because of a mysterious health condition. Hearing her describe herself as being "scared" breaks my heart a bit more every time I think of it (every day).
Another friend suffered extensive burns last week in a freakish accident and I can't imagine how traumatic the pain, memories, and recovery will be. Or how challenging it will be to parent and not hug or cuddle.
And all this is just exacerbating my already existing anxiety about how we might not know it, but disaster might be just around the corner. Ugh.
I was superstitious enough to never step on any cracks but now I don't have to care. Like the lyrics in "Nothing Compares to You," "I can do whatever I want." I could step on every crack, if I wanted.
Pic: A giant sack of laundry and all my lovely, loving kids. My human kids kindly descended on me this weekend to wrap me in hugs and cuddles and marathon sessions of the Criterion Channel and Never Have I Ever.
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But yesterday, I took Theo out for a little half-block walk, holding his hand and looking at every little thing. He is talking more now and putting sentences together. I felt joyful and grateful. There will be more tests in the coming weeks; my doctor is intrepid, and I have faith in him. Enjoy yourself on lovely walks for me, please.
Your kids--all of them--are good medicine for you. As are mine for me. As were you for your mother. No regrets.
Oh Maya, the cracks in the sidewalk…one walk that Mulder and I used to take was through a local park with a small playground, and occasionally I would think it might be fun to swing, but I couldn’t because I had him with me on his leash. The first time I walked through without him, I got on the swing and it sucked and I haven’t done it since.
Caroline sent me a text the other day that she had seen a Keeshond at the park! They are pretty rare, so it was a treat.
I hope your walks are enjoyable…I worry about the ‘almost punishing’ part, I’m not sure that is good. But maybe it feels good for your body to hurt, because you’re hurting so much? I’m not sure. Be gentle.
I'd love to join you on your walks but for me it will probably be about six weeks unless my foot heals faster. And it might. Kills me to not be able to max out our beautiful weather with a walk. I remember the cracks on the sidewalk. I don't worry about it now either. Seems there is much more to worry about. Just be careful out there, my friend.
Oh! I'm made so happy by that little film of you and Theo unspooling in my head!
That song always got me good and now even more so. I'm sorry about that Mulder moment, but happy to hear that the re-sighting was happy-sad rather than all sad.
(Exhaustion feels good, nothing more disquieting than that, promise. <3)
Jeanie, I would love to meander with you on campus again. I look forward to youu speedy healing! XOXO
I'm glad the kids are taking good care of you.
<3
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