Melting...

(Not the snow in Michigan, sadly.)

Just my sentimental mama heart 

when I come across these two

holding hands and talking 

on the walk home. 

_

The Sense of an Ending

the sky is a staircase
the sounds of the day
going away

The dark is to
tear down stars
all of ours

squeeze their affluent
and vintage shine
wet as wine

_

When making people happy

becomes almost as important 

as doing the right thing

(or doing the thing right).

_

Cloud 9(00000000000000000000000000)

(in sight, anyway)

_

Malaysian Airlines?

At asks

when I send a picture of my empty row.

Laugh or cry?

Discuss amongst yourselves.

_

Exeter/Exiting

Perhaps the way in was also the way out…

A Third Coast

On the brine of memory
the ink of veins marks spots

It is a storm of forgetting;
at each sob, she jettisons

Parents as they were, embraces
in sorrow how they now are

sweeps it all into feeling
grabbing and flailing even so

_

Wishing I were there...

Friends and old neighbors shutting it down in honor of John Crawford.

_

Stand Down

Reaching for amusement
but the door slams

meticulous and tight.
Spinning silently,

breath touches corners
and then as surely

is inhaled back in
brittle as silk

_

Novemberance

Foreshortened day,

unwelcome touch,

and unkind light.

I read the warnings,

count out their syllables. 

Then snow webs 

untidy, un-mappable, 

planting everywhere.

Racing, erasing my flesh, 

being, becoming my body.

_

Keepsake

         a smile-dusted child

swarms grandly
up hope's slope
unfurls something

         bigger than the world

mouth stretched wide
so smiles endearments
all--are kinds of kisses

_

Cuddle

Tired out from a play-date

(where they didn't play).

_

Ugh, Bill Cosby

In the wake of Trayvon Martin and Michael Browne, I found The Cosby Show on TVLND and it became a habit to watch/listen to reruns while I folded laundry or cleaned. It was somewhat escapist and a little bit inspiring to hark back to some golden age where a sitcom about a black family was the show of choice for most of middle America. Internally, I quietly disagreed with much of Clive Huxtable's parenting; separately, I vociferously disagreed with Bill Cosby's pronouncements about "Welfare Moms and Thugs," still it carried on.

Until all these reports of Bill Cosby's rape of multiple young (and teen) women.

_

Absence

Well, I don't know.

In small portions

this body would be fields

of stupid ideas repeated

a concussion of cowardice

in all the openings

of kind words unsaid.

But where are you?

It's time to feed ghosts at the

pressing behest of their buttons

And soon we'll be: 

ancient or innocent

epochal or whatever

and just not the same.

_

In Silence

Speaking still
in triangles
the moon's half smile
last night gazes zen

past the brazen
stare of the phone
which kisses my fingers
promises to wake at four

And after that, the flare
of the soft scimitar
of your mouth
dim with sleep

_

Silently

All day

I heard every word that wasn't said.

_

Shoreline

Bruised and accumulating
the lichen of thought
and the plenty
of quarrels

quarrying then policing
altering but falling
belonging
(to none)

these are the tidal drags
the smash of boredom
the open fall
of over

_

Hello

Distance

At today's potluck, I couldn't say

why we didn't come last month.

I don't know what we were doing

but it was October, and I can guess.

Still don't know if we're near or far

…just trying to keep looking ahead.

_

A New Day

It's early in the leaden morning: 

an unknown red truck 

in the driveway.

Whose?!?

(It's At's friend… 

who spent the night 

and doesn't need a ride anymore.)

-

Never Alone

I'll need a weekend to myself

after A gets home next week.

_

Now

I think we're all preparing

And I think we're all underprepared

_

A Reminder

_

Hand-in-hand

It was tense at work and dull outside,

but seeing these two get off the bus

was all smiles, songs, and blessings...

_

First, coffee

...then 26.2 miles

(NYC Marathon 2014)

_

And on the Fifth Day...

A went to Chicago for a conference FOUR days ago.

It's a testament to the effed-up-ness of his work schedule that the kids finally got around to wondering where he was this morning.

OR

It's a testament to how technology can keep us connected despite distance--they've been texting, emailing, and talking all along.


-

Summary

Morning
is a kaleidoscope calling out
--although it is hard to hear
I answer: Yes? Hello?
as though speaking into
an old-fashioned telephone

Night
mimics birds bedding,
my arms punctured now
by pain, pine-tree needles.
In the end, the day leaves
unnoticed and uncomposed

_

Eerily, just this morning a colleague told me that he'd sent out a job application to the U of Wyoming at Laramie, and then we had the near-obligatory talk about Matthew Shepard.

An hour after, I find in this weekend's edition of The Guardian--a truther-style story about details that might have been suppressed in the race to anoint Shepard as a poster-boy for anti-hate legislation.

We seem to prefer heroes on a template, but details are not the enemy.

_

Nostalgia and Kindness

It's true that every time I hear this song, it brings a lump to my throat.


Nu says, "That's like you, Mama. You left your mom and Dad too."

At silently thumps me on my shoulder. (Somewhat smirkily, the way he seems to do everything these days, but still kindly.)

Broods: Mother and Father

_

A Quiet Thanksgiving

Right now
the afternoon brightens
the dogs sleep
beside me

the last of the corn
and the best acorn squash
from the garden are
roasting from light to gold

The kids sleep one room away
done with every weekend activity
A stumbled home from a night shift
and also sleeps

I? I have something completely
unrelated to work to read
while the week's laundry
churns itself clean and dry

Sounds so ordinary
but this hasn't happened
in years. It is a returning
peace, to be thankful.

_

The Backstory...

So Nu has a 'sister' at school.

"Angel and I do every thing together. We're really, really sisters."

I get it. Sometimes having a loving big brother is not really your thing, and you need someone  more like the giggly tweens populating the shows your parents decided to ration.

"We're really, really, REALLY sisters."

I guess?

"You see--before dad met you, he and Angel's mom had Angel."

It takes a while to convince her that I'm really uncomfortable with this scenario...

"That's ok, I don't think Angel would mind if we switch it up and make it about you and her dad."


_

We're calling this event "Synchronized Sleeping."

(And clearly, we're champions!)

_

It's Summer… Summer… Summer… and time

for reading under the trees...

_

#OffTarget

Adding to the #offtarget movement:

Less is more?

At loses nine (nine!!) teeth at one go.
(Because his orthodontist says so.)

Resemblance!

The eyes (and nose) have it…

_

Yes! Mazel!

(I'm secretly rather proud 

of the place cards I made.)

The Future's so Bright...

Honors' Day…

_

How do you say "So Fetch" in French?

Amma and Chelli

Happy Birthday Atty!

 Wishing this sweet, sweet love of mine happiness, health, and smiles always…

(And the strength to best anything life may throw at him.)

Addenda

(Everything I need... to do.

This weekend, I had better start

preparing the soil and compost

then re-shelve ALL the books.)

_

Then there's this...

It was so much more colorful this morning

For all that our branches are still so bare.

Got the kids to run to the window to look with me 

The first sunrise since I took to bed on Monday

_ 

Prophet

(For J.K.)

Morning light
your message asks
if I'm alright--when you
dreamt of me last night
it sounds like maybe
I was not alright

Morning breaks too,
birds are the traffic
wardens of our sky--
like them, I become
many many things.
All small magic--

Like a funnel it's still
and still the same thing
on the other side. One
must keep on, there's
little choice on a slide.
I just thank you, believing...

me as I argue what I didn't
know I knew. That's huge.
See: If I said now, even
innocuously, "raincoats on."
Someone (age 6) might scoff
"How would *you* know?"


_

(Grandson) Rise!

My dad mimicking At's hair :)

Defiant hair runs in the family…

(I'd be ok if 

At didn't inherit 

the ear hair though.)

-

Bouncy Ball Soup...

Happy Passover!

(These three were such good guests!)

-

This is a morning

Painted with the colors of my childhood
a door swings, calls my childhood name
the stairs lift me as did mother and father
the breeze, their blessing calling me home

_

What do you mean the weekend's OVER?!?!?

_

An Explanation

Hours rhyme 

silenced

on either side

you miss 

all this

when you die

comb calendars

take back

days--

some days

nothing 

happened

some babies 

are called 

baby

answers turn

and run 

into mouths

you squeeze

the neck

of a bottle

_

A Dimple in Time

In the middle of August 

four years ago, I uploaded 

this picture of Nu to FB.

It was whimsically captioned:

 "One day, the child made a wish--

and then summer started."

My sister's school friend

(newly friended) found it 

today, liked it. Others did too.

I looked through that 

entire album at work

and missed my babies.

She was just two then 

she's headed for Grade 2

this August. Soon.

So small and squishy, right? 

But I remember thinking then

that she'd become a big kid.

Ok, yes.

Time is fleeting,

but it's also so ridiculous.

_

Of Never

They
try to make
the day stay--

to find
days that are
round and ripe

to
grow cities
and conversation

spiral
in slow, secret
snail-like orbit

the year's
great love,
time's anchor.

_

Quiet/Spring

little snow callus
to amputate
*
ghost weather
I'm not afraid
*
calla lilies
may evaporate
*
But my kingdom
is coming
*

Melting

Is she wondering about 

the snow? Just last week 

it was piled high like  

"The Wall" in GoT.

Strange how in spite of 

all the naughty potties 

she still makes me laugh
and melt some more.

_

On Coolness

I gave her a bad haircut.

and felt terrible.

She didn't care!

She wore a velvet hat 

and added 

a leather jacket.

Me: How are you so cool?

She: Don't know. 

I guess I just am.

But not every one in the family 

is cool (exactly) like that

Exhibit Big A:

Who it seems--

might let me get away

with just about anything :).

_

Working/Not Working

Kids are on spring break

and the furthest 

they've traveled this week

is to work with me.

Quick! 

Guess which kid 

picked out their own meal

at the cafeteria?

_

Quickly

You place the fight in my eye,
throw me a cape of illustration
the ideas ride along underneath,
in the hiccup of my photograph.

_

Look me in the eye!

This picture cracks me up.

(Scout & Grandpa R)

_

These Days

I translate everything:
extra hour of daylight,
half hour before kids,
come home--
I make up courtesies.

Every place is all
papers and books
(and prayers)
And I'm always telling
my date again.

No. Nothing personal
allowed--
unless it's already on
an official form
a continent away.

What a terrible idea
to tell them everything
to give them my books
to give away thoughts
that initiate my breath

Read on, hoping for
another line that
invents the kind
of caress that
can make you forget.

_

Encircled

We drew a lot of circles in class today because of Martha Nussbaum and the Stoics.

But it reminded me of another Greek:
Euclid

(Vachel Lindsay)

Old Euclid drew a circle
On a sand-beach long ago.
He bounded and enclosed it
With angles thus and so.
His set of solemn greybeards
Nodded and argued much
Of arc and circumference,
Diameter and such.
A silent child stood by them
From morning until noon
Because they drew such charming
Round pictures of the moon. 

A Serious Accusation

These days--and nights--with the kids cute, funny, kinda little, and sleeping under the same roof feel so blessed.

Letting each day go is a struggle, I know I'll look back on now as some of the sweetest times of parenthood some day.

That said, the kids aren't really *that* little.

Just yesterday, the first-grader accused me of treating her "like a kindergartner" :).

_

Those Who

There are those who

just can't hold still for a pic

in the henna/bleach Tardis gear  

(made by an awesome student).

They are the same ones who 

suddenly transform into

a giggly, floppy, silly pile

of puppies in ten seconds.

_

Downcast

1) That mid-morning call from the school--heart-racing panic before I understand that there is some meeting about traffic safety scheduled for Wednesday.

2) The official admission that MH 370 is really lost--do I grieve or conjure alternative endings?

3) Way before we've celebrated the beautiful way the judge struck down the ban on same-sex marriage in Michigan and the lovely way county clerks stayed open on the weekend to enable couples to marry, the expected appeal by the officially installed trolls against marriage equality. The counter-appeal from Equality Michigan is here.

4)  Reading the Good Wife spoiler before I could skip it--reading speed isn't helpful except in elementary school.

Trying not to dwell on these and continue working…

_

Disease Detectives

In the end, At didn't win at the Rube Goldberg machine he'd worked on for weeks and weeks and weeks…

Turns out he's a good "Disease Detective." Perhaps we'll make a doctor out of him yet?

(In the background I can hear the theme song from Nu's show *!!!Detectives!!!* jazz hands and all.)

_

Control

(Fright)
Addicted to rebellion
does it makes it alright?
Warping what you say-
you feel, the way we go.
We'll be okay, O.K?
Go on forever like a
bad spelling of
Mississippissippi

(Fight)
Throw a million arms
in insults crafted like
poems; throw smiling
selfies, "alrights" right
back into the wind;
scoffing like the glint
on a knife, blood falling
through our words.

(Flight)
Thinking through this
tsunami of absolutely nothing.
Then suddenly feel far away,
falling, speeding through space
trying to leave all of this--
the limp flags of you and me
war, anger, surrender, earth,
being awake, everything--

_

With What is Left of the Moon Tonight

I bronze those years as wild
but did we disappear
into shyness
mildly trembling
from undiagnosed gaze
thoughts that ate us whole?

Gone unappeased for weeks
the sun, the day and night
falling upon us
as the road squints
and is growing from tiny,
drowning, reinventing in bed.

You've come with me, silently
your words flickering
peripheral--ghostly
an axis buried
so deep underground
not even breath breaks or stirs.

But you can locate me as if--
as if by a sensuous sonar
just your mouth
closing in with
rush, ache, amusement
wordlessly speaking of touch.

power

Her eyes pool with regret
agrees she really shouldn't
have taken so long for breakfast

now it's late
now I can't walk her
into her elementary school building

now she'll have to ring the bell herself
wait for the double doors to open
line up at the office for a "late card"

and walk the almost emptied
hallways to class.
By herself.

Her mouth is a cartoon of sadness
her hands (still dimpled) tug
wordlessly

I say "no."
I hold out.
I'm very stern.

O.K. Out you get.
O.K. I'll watch till you get in.
O.K. But I'll only come to the door, O.K.?

There--she's ahead of me
smiling small and secret
her eyes at half mast and triumphant.

_

Diagnosis

Their eyes tell me about my future
how they grow up soft
in my heart

Their hands travel like my past
muddied innocent
grown lean

Their touch keeps books of memories
to listen, turn, learn
and cry out


_

O Lorde, it was amazing!

Is it odd to have so much admiration 

for someone years (decades even) 

younger than one?

I wish I had been as nonconformist,

outspoken, confident, and powerful

 at seventeen, any time in my teens,

Or--heck--now.

I wish I had taken the kids too…

_

Eat your Bath!

I made Bisibele bhath for dinner.
And Nu thought it was hilarious
saying stuff like:
"This bath is delicious!"
"I've eaten all my bath!"
You get it.

A snuggle before work

Big A dropped the older kids off at school
but there was still some snugglin' goin' on…

_

New York

take it as proof

make it a prayer

memory 

around earth

beyond desire

learn its anarchy

discern distance

lost

in indecision

and questions

_

Meditation

I wait for the sun.
The first golden
sliver

A fingernail's
paring
of light

A coin that
scribbles
exchange

Glittering
the day
with

More than
one-sided
coherence

_

Sometimes...

one needs to nap *at* dinner

-

Snow Mail

Retrieving mail
from the mailbox 

apparently requires 

mucho teenage bravado 

and action-film acrobatics…

_

Golden

_

Guess Who's *at* Dinner

Huckleberry: I'm all done now. Thanks!

_

Double the Cute

I'm so done…

-

New Baby Madness

 Scout would like you to meet Huckleberry.

(He isn't sure we ought to keep her though.)

And here are all four kids…

(Nu is Huckleberry's special big sister

--and raising Huckleberry is clearly tiring work.)

-