covering

I wore my best clothes to your funeral

I know I won't ever wear them again

nor can I give them away

they are locked to me 

as I wish you were

still  

 

Candide/Candied

"Anyone who can make you believe absurdities 

can make you commit atrocities.” Voltaire

imagine this tree 

knows our names

whispers it back 

in a few  weeks

in falling leaves

such  absurdities 

uncertain atrocities

encased in amber

the rain brings messages

you are beautiful the world is young
the world is young and you are beautiful

a mother on this side, a daughter on the other

it's the rule of this world: days capped by night 

_____________

Pic Sanford Woods... it's that amber time of the year!

Wherever you are I want to find you and talk to you

From "Nightfall" by Jeannie Vanasco

"Are you in the autumn-wood air that rises from the lake?

How was your summer, how is your autumn?

Are there seasons where you are? I have often thought of this.

Here the rain comes and dark strips of land lighten. I cannot explain it. You must see it for yourself.

This evening the sky feels as big as silence, as big as the silence between us, not disquieting but dissolving the day into long threads.

Clouds pass by and by nightfall all thoughts of you pour back into my hands and the rain is pouring now.

Are you thinking of me? I am thinking of you. What strength I give away comes back again. I have already forgotten what to do with it."

__________

Pic: Commute pic... Sunset, farmland, alone-ness. 

love is so easy

Nance and Jules have filled my life with so much support and love and chuckles (even off-blog via group texts and chats and cards and books and presents and whatnot) that today was the easiest day, basking in their banter, tasting Nance's famous pesto at her beautiful lake house, being silly, being serious, being together.

I felt some anxiety undertaking a long road trip by myself (because of the accident last month) but it was time to get over that anyway. And I spent the hours getting there and back reviewing the portfolio I have to turn in on Monday. 

Pic: Jules and me. That gorgeous lake is a stand in for Nance; Pic by Rick who was awesome in all the ways.
 

goddess power

Navaratri--this is the second year I haven't hosted. I think I need another year (at least).

But I'm always happy to celebrate with the T-U's who have the biggest kolu display (it wraps around the room, this is about a quarter of it) I've ever seen here or back in Chennai (here's mine for comparison). The way they somehow manage to make this simultaneously "grand" and "warm" is a marvel in itself.

Pic: With my lovely hosts. I seem very tall today.

training days

(she said)

dancing, the floors churned

under our feet

fists beating time as lustily

as our stomps

open throats, closed eyes

ecstasy and trust

the sudden arrival of a parent

a call to attention

_______________

Pic: Maple River Sunset

fall's well

I have dreamed the walls of my heart

my lunatic mouth sucking at words

sitting inside and beside thoughts

the chest, the breast, the heart

the heartbeat of my mother

it is considered natural

here no one notices

________

Pic: Somewhere on Farm Road, a random fruiting tree.

finally, willing to say

I think of all the people I know who lost their parents too early...

or all the kids in Gaza and elsewhere whose wails sound like my own, except they are two and three and five and don't even have enough memories

or I think of people like Diane Keaton and Dolly Parton who died last year, the same age as my mom, rich women, in the first world, who did not even put their bodies through childbirth, and I think ok...

perhaps we had a good run after all... she hated medicalization and did not want to be an invalid, and the end was so sudden, it would have been painless (BigA explained that during a stroke, the CO2 in the brain basically acts as a pain suppressant). We were happy together, our last words were "Love you," what more could I ask? (More time.)

______________________

Pic: A balancing act. Red Cedar walk by myself.
 

still...

The other side says, "we're still here."

That's how I feel too...

________
MSU Spirit Rock; walk with BigA

last human teen

Nineteen! The baby celebrated with friends yesterday and will tonight as well. But they had dinner with the parents and puppy sibs and made a wish (I know what it is!) this evening at home. 

Happy Birthday and a safe and happy year ahead to my darling!

_______

Pic: Nu and BigA (with Max and Huck underfoot)
 

waking up to try again

YO/LO,  if life is short then 

why are all our stories long

I'm still... and  maybe will 

always be writing our story 

this journey now so timeworn 

one I've tarried on for too long

it seems I must have forgotten 

where I was meant to be going

__________

Pic: Red Cedar walk with BigA

 

“I write to find out what I think about something.” Anne Carson!

Congrats to the amazing Anne Carson! I love this one:

O Small Sad Ecstasy of Love

I like being with you all night with closed eyes.

What luck—here you are

coming

along the stars!

I did a road trip

all over my mind and heart

and

there you were

kneeling by the roadside

with your little toolkit

fixing something.

Give me a world, you have taken the world I was.

____________

Pic: The woods by the Bike path by myself.

I wish you could hear

I sent a live version of this to the family chat, and I wish I could share it with mom and with everyone I know... Max and Scout would go bonkers for this (Huck is a princess).

This giant wall of ivy is alive with birds nesting and chirping... if you look carefully, you can see some flying around the periphery and especially towards the parapet.

________

Pic: MSU, Boss Day walk by myself.