Sunday, September 19, 2021

"the next time you want me"

Phoebe Bridgers singing for me as I soak and relive some recent conversations about... of all things... Pet Sematary. (You know, the Stephen-King-novel/movie where beings buried in the "Pet Sematary" come back to life but are disappointing and different and zombiefied.)

First I had a general epiphany about how nostalgia-fueled decisions to go back to the way things were rarely go well. "Going back" to places, people, whatever... never goes as planned. Perhaps that's the true moral of Pet Sematary. It came up in some conversation with Big A. And then suddenly because we'd talked about Scout's health, he was trying to get me to promise that I would never clone Scout. An option I'd never considered before but seemed tempting. But Big A rightly made the point that Scout is his own person and cloning disrespects that etc. OK? OK.

I was telling the kids this over breakfast some day this week, and I don't know if they appreciated their parents' deep thoughts. But they immediately started a tally of who in the family would put people in the pet sematary. Apparently neither human kid would. According to them, I totally would. And their dad--well... apparently he has a strong sense of medical ethics and wouldn't. But... he'd still probably put me in the pet sematary because he's so attached. And then, they riffed, when pet-semataried mom starts stabbing people and stuff, he'd be all patient explaining things like "Puppy, remember we talked about not stabbing people?" 

For a conversation that included so many deaths, including my own, that last line in its authenticity still makes me chuckle out loud.

Saturday, September 18, 2021

people-ing

A long walk-talk with KB yesterday; I begin to feel I can handle the world again.

Early morning chat with my sister; figuring out all the things on our list for this year--many of them impossible without a passport (which I don't yet have as everything's so backed up). But she makes plans seem possible anyway.

Midday yoga in the forest with Nu and L on either side of me; a sort of peace washes over me.

Garden party at our place this evening; the comfort of sharing food with CF, SB, SD, and AH and others. 

Talking to strangers on an FB Golden Doodle page about Scout's difficulty walking; lots of new things to obsess over and bring up with doc/E.R. visit in 48 hours.

Baby cousin K and her partner J arrive tomorrow; I get to spoil them. 

Thursday, September 16, 2021

thinking of...

My teaching day started with standing in line at Groovy Donuts at 7 am and went well as days with donuts tend to. 

But after dinner I found out that DP, a student dear to me--someone I had known in class and on several committees as a joyful, thoughtful, and compassionate citizen--had been hurt badly. 

I am hopeful they and their family will heal, but the description on their GoFundMe site is truly horrific and I keep thinking about all the unnecessary pain and fear they've experienced. 

Flashes of their smile on the Zoom of this year's Kente stole ceremony and images of them waving to me as they stood in line for their diploma keep coming back--will keep coming back--to me. 💗

Wednesday, September 15, 2021

chatter


the length of our conversation tells in years 
origins of jokes, quarrels, and empathy
reflecting back, blinking back

the image of us making our way into a future
it's a test--and if you ask me, of course 
I'll tell--I'll tell you everything




-------------------------------------------
A day remarkable for the amount of work and the number of things I got off the pending to-do lists. 

It was also the day of our Ganesha Search. I had to work on Ganesh Chaturthi, which was last week, so today the kids and I did the annual tour of all the Ganeshas in the house (several in each room) to clean and decorate with kumkum and kalanchoe. The kalanchoe isn't traditional, but fit some of the tiny Ganeshas perfectly. 

Also a day when we had some tough conversations with two different roofers--none of our work-arounds will actually... work and it's going to cost many times what we'd anticipated or saved for. UGH.  

And then a spectacular late-afternoon breakdown when Big A used the "D word" and the "C word" to describe and discuss Scout's sudden hobbling slowness and lethargy. The kids asked tentatively over dinner what it had been about and were naturally very dispirited... so Big A began clowning. 

Pic: Radiology Gardens from this weekend. I love their reflection pool.

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

classroom




amidst the dusty chalk of discussion
our figures gesture like talk 
ache with attachment

there is teaching in the (back)ground
find it in the sprawling grassroots 
reaching up from dispute


Monday, September 13, 2021

instant classic


I smile every time I look at this picture of mom and her siblings weak with laughter (I bet it was something my uncle said) at my aunt's 60th birthday weekend.

And I love that this picture was taken by my baby sis who dutifully took tons of pics because I couldn't be there.

Sunday, September 12, 2021

blooper shot


I was going to post pictures of our party for JG's and MB's retirement, but I didn't ask everyone's permission. So instead, here's a screen grab of me gazing up adoringly at KB that I found hilarious. I've always said my decision to come here was in part because of KB--she wasn't on my search committee, but she had been tasked to have lunch with the candidate (me). I feel like I'm in an old timey teen movie when I'm with KB--like an extra in a John Hughes film on the verge of a manageable adventure. 

Anyway the party went great! I got all the things done thanks to Nu who was an amazing sous chef and decorator and Big A who DJ-ed and moved furniture and took photos and At who helped with the fancy candle and got singed but still went on to do bug control.  

JG and MB loved everything and I'm so glad I got to do this for them. And thanks to them, I kind of feel ready to have more intimate gatherings again. 

I hope.

Saturday, September 11, 2021

calm




I walked with L; went to the farmers' market with BS; worked in the garden; did some menu planning; hung out with the Big, Li'l, and Baby As; took a nap with Scout and Huck; chatted/talked/texted/group-texted to family and friends; and did not get a single work email.


Friday, September 10, 2021

the walking cure


(for K.B.)
We haven't seen each other in weeks
we're to go on a walk
I expected a ladylike turn on campus
but here you are 
in sneakers, leading an active puppy 
so we end up 
wending our way to Luce Road where
we remember

how our current high schoolers were tiny
preschoolers
whose peanut allergies then seemed 
to riddle absence--
are now surviving, becoming new people
with "hot dates"
imagining themselves un-endangered 
have new names 

in today's succulence, there is rain
but also umbrellas
there are mosquito bites that bead 
my arms like biceps 
words hang between us like roots
seeking new growth
you guide each signal that tumbles out 
kindly, grace-fully

we're filling out equations of sympathy 
on each side  
even in all that happens to interrupt us
because somehow
it seems, you believe in my goodness
as I trust in yours--
oh, how are we such miracles, friend--
finding us in this world


Pic: KB, W, and bike-path friends in Alma.

Thursday, September 09, 2021

sonnet on a commute

the road is a ribbon feeding on itself 
a dream snake

the car is an empty room but for me
the sun glares back 

sultry beyond windows and stealthy  
in the soupy day

I'm wondering if radios will play on 
at the end of the world

as I watch my future burning like fuel 
past lonely road kill

the road keeps coming, a stream of poison
being sucked out of me

my family knows my day from my absence
I pick up the distance and go 

never a dull moment

I had looked forward to today--on the family calendar as a college orientation day for Nu. But when we got to orientation, kids and families...