friends,

be careful with your worship
for in love souls grow
missions shining

they'll just... catch your heart 
you'll watch them take it 

and you'll do nothing 

there are sighs in our history

the wet edges of my face

icy yet blazing

becoming... tender accounts 
starry with sentinels
and yes, shining

more perfect (re)unions

Big A is back home after interviewing in Buffalo, NY where the chair kindly took this picture of him in front of the first unionized Starbucks in the USA for At, our little socialist. (Not sure how to tell it apart from the zillion other Starbucks facades in our universe, but...)

At was (predictably) thrilled and whooped. He'd been sending clips of the crew receiving the news of their winning votes and saying things like "I'm so proud of the Starbucks' kids" as though he's their uncle. At is 22, so this makes me chuckle.

I got grades finalized, welcomed the return of our internet, and had a nice long chat with JG who stopped by for a visit. We have an idea for a piece about disability and body horror (and humor?) that I'm eager to revisit.

Our chat ended abruptly because I had to go pick up Nu from school--I've been doing school drop offs and pick ups with Nu since our main road has been impassable for the school bus. But... we spied the bus on our way home today. I'm glad it's back, but I'll miss car chats with my Nu.

next time

chants sink their laments
into my lungs

like a monk, time now slips  
me memories 

people and love and times 

away, unavailable   

I meet myself falling down 

now into stories

now is evening in the world

although inside 

the starry core of my body  

it says 2:00 am

who knows if I'm really early--

or simply very late 

what shall do with myself now

I have broken time 

____________

Pic: I add one snow-globe to my Christmas collection every year. This year, I found these adorable friends exchanging gifts and then I FOUND THE SAME FIGURES AS STUFFIES! I lamented not having tiny babies who would be delighted with this find, but Nu--very kindly--really stepped up their game. 😁🤗

"an ill wind"

Behold the deceptively calm beginning to a messy weekend. 

Yesterday started out at 56° and was supposed to drop 20° over the course of the day, so L and I went down the Red Cedar early despite the wind advisory. The gusts were intense and at one point we thought we were going to get swept into the river. And then we got rained on and sleeted on although there was nothing about that in the weather forecast. 

I planned a hot shower as soon as I got home, but first there was kids' breakfasts and then something else came up and before I knew it, the power went out. I paid for my delay with a dry shampoo and an ice-cold shower before the water cut off. And although I got gussied up, as I already lamented, I didn't get to see Hadestown.

The wind brought mayhem to Hagadorn--signs, traffic lights, and electricity poles were down--like on the ground. BWL said power would come back at 8:15 yesterday, and when it didn't we shrugged and got some extra blankets and cuddled up with warm puppies. All night long I could hear utility vehicles and sirens and workers (bless them). 

Big A's off for a series of job interviews, and wanted us to go to a hotel, and I was making arrangements for At to house Nu for a bit, but the power thankfully came back in the evening. I'm freshly showered and can finally feel my fingers and toes again. 

a sad story without pictures

Pictured: Here's me at 1:00 pm all ready to go see Hadestown at 2:00 pm, just waiting for Nu and Big A to get their coats on so we can all walk over to the Wharton.

Not pictured: me at 1:15 when Nu and Big A decided it was too cold to walk and that we should turn around and take the car instead.

Also not pictured: me at 1:20 when we collectively realized that the reason we hadn't had power since 11 am or thereabouts was because there was a downed wire across our street. Also realizing this made it impassable for us to get to the Wharton.

Also not pictured: me at 1:25 begging Nu and Big A to walk to the show through the church grounds.

Also not pictured: me at 1:30 begging them to let me go to the show by myself at least.

Also not pictured: L and T trying to help me find my way--blocked at every turn by police and utility vehicles (if not by downed wires).

Also not pictured: me at 1:53 giving up.

newsy

O, hello... it's me... with my adorable furry assistants... trying to be the best new effing co-chair of NWSA's conference in 2022 I can be. (Still not enough writing as I noted in March, but this is huge for me and I hope to learn a lot.)

In other news, I took great pleasure in letting fam and friends know that a Trader Joe's is coming to town--about 2-3 mins away from us. I foresee Big A biking over there for last minute groceries instead of Whole Foods. 

And in other gentrification news, I'm watching with horror--via friends and FB--the intersecting mesh mess of schadenfreude, transphobia, and anti-blackness in the latest Dave Chappelle vs. Yellow Springs clash.

-------------------------------------

Pic: We're all looking at Big A.

"love's the only engine of survival"

All I have in my camera roll for today is this cluster of birches right outside the horticultural gardens getting ready to weather winter...

But they evoke for me a reminder that we started family therapy today. Our goals are to be better parents, help Nu feel like they can come to us with anything, feel supported in their gender transition, and not run scams on their schoolwork.  

It was just me and Nu today as Big A is working in the faraway place. Our therapist is insightful and wonderful. Nu was honest and articulate and I was so proud of them. I really couldn't have asked for a better first (telehealth) session.

the week that was

 

and I didn't have the energy to say anything 

since it was also

the last week of classes

the first week of Big A's new job

and so it goes.

I must note that Oxford, MI, the latest in the annals of school shootings, is an hour from us. I keep feeling lost after Parkland or after Sandy Hook when I kept the kids home until I had to send them back in the new year. And I'm realizing I've done this with varying intensity for the entire span of my children's public school lives.

"one is a lonely number"

Big A is far away and I'm sitting here at midnight, anxious and sad... 

But I'm not gonna lie--the day was glorious. It's been SO LONG since I had the house to myself and though it was mostly grading and work and meetings and LORs, it felt luxurious. 

It's in the details and small tweaks to the day... like planning to have lox for dinner with Nu. Somehow it's Big A with his Jewish heritage who can't stand lox, while Nu and I LOVE it.

Speaking of my human kids--it's difficult parenting one at a time. Kind of lonely, actually. I had eight years with At before Nu came along, and now that At is 22 and in his own place, I get these years to focus fully on Nu. I keep telling myself this, but both Nu and I miss At and I don't think Nu likes being the sole focus. Ha. 

At least the puppy kids are accommodating and making pillow forts forever.

anew

A new Nu... or a new hairdo.

They found this particular style by googling "emo boy hair." I think Nu makes it look great! Big A took them to the Aveda Salon--I bristled at that since I go to Supercuts. 

But I had a long day at work, and Big A took care of Nu's salon trip, and eyeglasses prescription, and picked up Subway for dinner. So it's all good.

 Big A starts a new job tomorrow--it's not as far away as Texas as I feared, but still a pretty long commute.

post-prandial

Went on a hike with Big A while the grandparents hung out with Nu, Scout, and Huck. We headed to Baker Woods and weren't gone very long, but we were the only ones there and it felt like a different world. 

Later, we packed up the grandparents with snacks, cider, and one of the flower arrangements from yesterday's table, and waved our goodbyes as they headed back to Ohio. 

Then a long soak with Big A, a great heart-to-heart with Nu, + snacks + old sitcoms + naps.  

It was the perfect chaser to yesterday.
 

Thanksgiving 2021

Time to eat?

(We can't see the three puppies in this one, 

but the fish I was going to feed them

--in the white bowl that doesn't go with anything else--

made it into the picture 😛.)

in the news (and not in a good way)

 

Today was a lovely scramble to finish early prep for the feast tomorrow, welcoming grandparents and a bonus puppy, and day-drinking + eating cake (Big A's citrusy-pistachio masterpiece) for breakfast and lunch.

I'm thankful this isn't last year. 

But as a colleague's tweet reminds me, some of that is just my/our ennui and exhaustion with the pandemic and things aren't really going so well. 

Our state leads the nation in new cases and the lede photo for this NYT article, about the morphing re-formations of the pandemic, is from our local hospital system.

and then

At shared a picture his coworker drew of him (on Twitter)... 

Online, I teased him about child labor laws where he works... 

But actually...

It reminded me of how much I miss him and his beautiful, big eyes... 

Those avocados were getting made into a guacamole for dinner...

So I asked him if he wanted to come (At loves guac!) and he did.

He got hugged... and group-hugged a whole lot.

tradeoff

 

I missed an important deadline and the candlesticks I'd planned to use for the Thanksgiving table broke, but I spent a lot of time snuggled up like this...

(Scout can't jump up onto the sofa as he once could, but Big A picks him up and places him on my feet.)

Karthika Deepam In Michigan

So I got my own lights festival after all 😁. KB drove down from Alma and took me to see the tree lighting downtown. Huge crowds everywhere, a lovely full moon, a lit up capitol building, a sparkly nondenominational tree, and holographic fireworks.

I'd been panicking on what to do about dinner since I would get home after five, but Big A stepped up and made his amazing Brazilian seafood soup and his famous tapioca pao and then Kate brought homemade chocolate macarons (with cardamom! because I'm Indian!) and we feasted.

I know some very good people. And they make delicious things.
 

pooja-fun

I'm heartsore I cannot be in Pondycherry ("is it full of ponds and cherries?" baby cousin A asked once) tomorrow. 

The pooja is tomorrow, but I bet everyone's already assembling now--finding empty bedrooms, screeching helloes, making plans, and having so much fun for Kartika. As Big A reminded me so helpfully yesterday, it is unlikely that I will ever be able to be at Kartika pooja because it's such a busy time in the academic year. 

We usually did the big festivals like Diwali and Pongal at home or with the other side of the family, but the November full moon festival was always the big event for all the cousins on my mom's side. For many years after I came to the U.S., my favorite aunt would sweetly save the turmeric-soaked wristlets for me to pick up on my next trip home, but I haven't been back in years at this point. The nostalgia is hitting hard this year.

Baby cousin B has been sending pictures on cousin chat to keep me in the loop. This picture has so many of my favorite things--the sea, the little Ganesha temple, the tulsi maadam, the new swimming pool, the effortless green everywhere... Gah. I just wish I could be there for at least 24 hours.

the soft dark

Darkness feels deafening tonight. A student at Nu's school has been missing since last week. I do not know this young person or their family, but many of my local friends do. When I asked Nu if they'd seen the missing child recently, they said that they hadn't "in years." That was such a stark reminder that disappearance comes in many forms. 

I caught a picture of this close to full moon through our skylights just before bed--darkness, shadows, dead leaves, and all... it was nevertheless a kind reminder that in an another part of the world, huge numbers of my family are gathering to celebrate the Karthika full moon soon.

full

At stopped by for dinner (parathas) and to weigh in on next week's Thanksgiving Menu, when we hope to see him again.

His tummy is full; my heart is full.

no partridge so far

Big A headed off to grocery shopping late this evening and I added pears and avocados to his list. 

I got 15 pears. Kinda excessive, but I'd talked about wanting Smitten Kitchen's Pear, Cranberry, and Gingersnap Crumble (which I found on a Modern Mrs. Darcy link)--so perhaps it was prompted by that?

No, I realized when I unearthed these 14 avocados. 

I guess I need to be more specific.