January

I keep on feeling my thoughts

You too?

It's a knife--

in the shape of a puffy heart.

*

My child is grandmother's.

Her child,

my mother--

serenades every sunrise.

*

I sit here, the sun sets too

an earthling,

lost on earth, 

feeling the slide of inertia 

_

In the Old World

I am to reread their wrinkles
search their weeds for memories

even as ancestors' eyes are forced
to close, go masked, invisible.

It will make sense
until you ask about it.

*
They want to open my mind
wrest, twist it wide

then tip it like the overfilled point
of a plate, at the moment when

you're suddenly sated,
free of the desire for it.

*
I mime their scolding for I have no will,
and I am meek. Still they are forgotten

even so, every time--memory by memory
in a language my children will never speak

Aiyo--to think I meant at the start
to hold and shape love

as it pooled its fast and fluid
escape in my heart.

****

In Autumn

My hands are birds praying
in time to heart beat, my feet.

Fingers flying across the open
face of my phone, I am looking

for you in a midwestern town
where you have never lived

I am looking for my father
I am looking at my father

I am writing our name in pain
even as the pen runs dry, dies

-------------------------------------------------------



*This was supposed to be a picture of autumn tones in Bakersfield Park, but my phone died as I tried to take a picture. As best as I can tell, it died... from the cold? Apparently winter is coming for more than just tropical me.

తెలుగు

yes, of course, this is
merely the lisp of lips,
a slip, not apocalypse--
only the clumsy glamor

of Telugu scripting round
tripping slow, deliberate.
Daughter to my mother
and to mother's mother

whose words were fated
to immigrate too. I am
stuttering, I hear kinship
knocking, coming on in.

_

Resonance

Mackinaw

Current mood:



Because we drove seven hours
to see a bridge.



Mom's been fascinated by it for years now
and today was a lovely day for it.

_

Babama and Baby NuNu

Recently, I did a meditation that asked me to remember the oldest person (Babama, my great grandmother) and the youngest person (Baby NuNu) I had loved. If they could have a conversation with each other, what would they learn? How would I introduce them? I was in tears then because they would never meet each other as Babama died before my babies were born.

But I was reminded that some things live on. Nu lost her screen privileges this week, and when I was telling Big A about why she had lost them, he reminded me of Babama's principle. Basically, if you enable people to cheat (by leaving valuables around, or being lax about people copying off you, etc.) you are responsible for the crime--not the unfortunates who are compelled by their circumstances to steal, copy, lie etc.

When I trace the timeline of this piece of advice through the generations and geographies it has traveled, it's basically a study of how love connects us.

Now for that difficult conversation with the 10-year-old.

_

Life's Beach-y

It was so hot at the beach today...

Kirk Park Beach allows doggies off-leash,

but Scout Akshaya and Huck Amulya 

were a bit skittish and stayed close to mama.

One with all the kids--whenever their album comes out, 

this pic could go on the cover.

_

Independence Day/#SecondCivilWar

Dinner with neighbors and then off to Adado Park 

for the concert band and fireworks.

The enemy suffered a rout because of our optimism 

and the extraordinary American dream 

of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for all.

(Clearly, I spent a chunk of the day chuckling over #SecondCivilWar )

_

New Calendar

Half the year is done, and I almost bought a new 2018-19 calendar when Amma and I were out shopping today. I've been terrible about putting things in my 2018 calendar, and I've been terrible about making posts here. It's a decades-long pattern of letting summer disappear into heat-induced happiness. But of course I thought buying a new calendar would magically fix that.

I'm aiming for more accountability this summer while I make memories with my mama and bebés, get all the writing done, tackle some overdue decor projects; get pool time and yoga time and book time.

Let's see.

_

Both grandmothers

Three generations at Ocean's 8

NuNu begged for and got 

the fancy-schmancy seats

at Studio C.

 I'll admit it was nice
to have the food
delivered to our seats.

_

Projections

Today: Big A comes home form a week of conferencing.

Next Week: At comes home from college for the summer

Next Month: My mom comes for the rest of the summer.

Basically, I love summer.

_

Justice for Asifa

I feel a murderous rage coming on. I can't get the story of this child's face out of my head.

My dad was fond of the radical Tamizh poet Bharathiyaar who claimed, “Thani oruvanukku unavillai enil jagathinai azhithiduvom” (If even just one person does not have sustenance, let's burn down the whole world). 

And that's how I'm feeling today. No one deserves to be happy, no one deserves to live. Let's just nuke the planet and be done with this. 

_

And so it Begins... Birthday gifts from afar come a-tricklin' in

_

Growing a Family

I’m very happy for some old neighbors/ex-colleagues/FB friends who adopted three children from the foster-care system today. We’ve known about the ongoing process, but they weren’t able to share pictures of the kids until the adoption was final (today!).

And I’m sad today, because it feels like I’ve waited all my life to adopt, and Big A is finally on board, but none of the agencies will follow up with us. I finally caved and did what I swore I wouldn’t do—called in for help from my CASA director. She’s called around and left messages; let’s see how far we go.

At least I get to take my oldest home for the weekend : )!

_

The final word...

Big A's first appearance in the NYT (1975).  He is the final, hyphenated word in the obituary:

"Surviving are a daughter by a previous marriage, Louise Laskey, a sculptor; a grandson, and a great‐grandson."

I was looking for references to Louise for Nu since it's one of her middle names and she may have inherited some of that artistic talent when I found this (and was oddly overcome with love for a baby Big A).

_

A (C)Hairy Moment

Scout and Huck went bonkers at dinner time. Instead of eating slivers of salmon at the table (they love 'Mr. Slammin'!) they were howling and baying at something in the kitchen. The humans at the table were impressed by the puppies' noble inattention to dinner in the face of a threat to the family pack. What was it? A mouse? Our resident snake?

Nope. It was the chair we'd recently introduced to the kitchen. 

It was as bad as Clint Eastwood's chair moment.

-

The Prodigal Couple

It was good meeting so many old friends this week. We spent an evening with LV and NF and their families; had lunch with NM and his family today; and went to the M's NYE party where we saw EVERYONE.

Walking back from Stafford St. in the feathery snow and single-digit cold, Big A said that it's kind of fun, because people are so excited to see us even if we weren't that special when we actually lived here. It's true :) .

We got back 11-ish, so we could hang out with the kids and grandparents until midnight and chanted the countdown into 2018. I so want this year to be better than the last couple of years.

And I should take better pictures.

_

Dinner

@The Winds

They're showing N's beauteous Persia collection on the walls.

_