Friday, December 25, 2020
Thursday, December 24, 2020
Almost Christmas
In lieu of our usual Christmas Eve candlelight service we drove through a nearby luminaria display...
Nu and At are in bed/their rooms with their new jammies and all of their book presents...
I've prepped the breakfast pudding and the (store-bought) cinnamon rolls...
A Zoom is set up to open presents with the grandparents at 10:00 am tomorrow.
10:46 pm
Time to get back to my novel now...
Tuesday, December 22, 2020
Yays
Monday, December 21, 2020
I used to do it for hours in fancy (yoga) pants...
Made a winter solstice meal (stew, roasted veggie salad, biscuits, and apple cider hot toddies with brandy) to share with BS and EM for good cheer. We'd planned to build a fire in the firepit, but it began to hail, so we lit some candles indoor instead.
LB and TB were having their own solstice celebration and I was supposed to head over after dinner, but I stayed home, had a long boozy chat with EM and then Zoom-ed into JL's book club meeting of Mexican Gothic. I hadn't read it, but no one was talking about the book anyway. We haven't met in so long and everyone's hair was SO long!
I'm inordinately excited about yoga, and hangouts, and the two minutes of extra daylight we'll get tomorrow.
Saturday, December 19, 2020
Expiry Date
I want so much for us as I wake this morning
wordless--moving only heart, breath
surprised at how steadfast
for much goes missing all the time: plans or
a present or something that lies, dead
as a future kindness unsaid.
I lose my sense of self, my words; I have
become that one actor who played
that part in that one movie--
Do you remember? How much bigger could I
have been, how much bigger my role,
my words trawl empty
yet full of yearning; and errant words return
sad, humble. I need an army--an armor--
...I'm too numb to concede
our decline of tenderness, as every sign of
bitterness witnesses us forward,
begrudges us to a deadline.
Friday, December 18, 2020
Light, Lighter, Lightest
After I turned in my portfolio, I felt so strongly that whatever the committee decided, I did deserve tenure. I have zero imposter syndrome, apparently. What I do have is survivors' guilt knowing there are so many equally--or more--deserving peers all over the world trying to make it in an unjust higher-ed system. Also moments of sadness knowing that it won't be what I dreamed since JG and KB, two of my besties on the third floor of SAC, resigned this year.
The "celebration/crybaby" present Big A had been promising for weeks turned out to be... a new laptop. Whomp, whomp. I tried to fake my way into being gracious and enthusiastic about it, but honestly--it feels like a "vacuum cleaner present." I had imagined a big ol' massage chair or a hot tub or something indulgent... Ha.
Thursday, December 17, 2020
Minding the Gaps
My Nu is amazing and I'm so proud of what they can do when they set their mind to it.
Speaking of minds, I gave the kids fidget cubes and personal copies of If You're Freaking Out, Read This as a Pre-Christmas/Hanukkah present today. If ever there was a year to pay attention...
Wednesday, December 16, 2020
"The Long and Winding Road"
I know I'm a sentimental fool, but I'm always taken by surprise when the beginning of "The Long and Winding Road" makes me swell with emotion. I mean, "crying for the day" sounds just like me. LOL. There's no real reason I can fathom, and it doesn't remind me of any one person or place--just some general sense of beauty and nostalgia and malaise.
Tuesday, December 15, 2020
Time Sheets
I saw everyone at breakfast and dinner, but otherwise, at least one of us has been on right round the clock...
Scout and Huck who snooze all day seem to be the only ones with adequate sleep and solid sleep hygiene around here.
Monday, December 14, 2020
Through my Head
My children's love passes right through me
(like an arrow, like a bullet)
My parents' love steeps all through me
(like a tantrum, like a blush).
I fear death; there are deaths I fear more:
My deaf father sleeps deep
through knocking, my mother and sister
talking--unmoving.
My tired children sleep past the blare
of smoke alarms, heavy
I wonder if I can shake them awake
like a pair of dead batteries.
But the world does its singing, then
my body curls like smoke
plummets, coaxes with folded hands
draws doors in heartache.
So let me tell you how I scan the dates
of people's lives, guessing--from
the headlines of their last year--if death
might have felt like a blessing.
_
Wednesday, December 09, 2020
Berries / Koi
Whole Foods pizza night over here as I was supposed to be doing scholarship interviews at dinner time... Still waiting to hear faculty personnel deliberation results... still wrestling with Nu's schoolwork.... etc.
On the done side: I have finalized Christmas presents and have stopped compulsively adding to everyone's gift baskets. And I have stopped stalking MCM furniture on Facebook marketplace. I scored a pair of Mersman step tables for 60 last week, and that was probably my peak + we really don't need more stuff.
Also: We weren't going to do holiday cards, but now I have one prepped and ready to print.
Something is clearly going on, and it doesn't need a genius to see I'm filling up my time with distractions and side projects instead of writing.
Saturday, December 05, 2020
Early to Bed
So here's me putting myself to bed with my chocolate and hot tea before the sun goes down.
(I'd made dinner early. AND took some over to L&T. AND showed the kids how to serve themselves around 5. And then, I left everyone to their own DEVICES. Haha.)
(When I woke up later, I found they'd put the leftovers away and started the dishwasher. 💕💕)
Wednesday, December 02, 2020
Just another day in Finals Week
I graded all day, loving the way student final projects have turned out.
I raked a path through the backyard in the afternoon in the hope of persuading my human kids to resume their pre-prandial walks with me... The puppy kids are, of course, there whenever I'm out.
I started a poem and stumbled into a good idea that's proving difficult to execute.
I've figured out everyone's holiday presents... just a few more things on their way. I've already gussied up/boxed/bagged most of the fam's presents too!
Tuesday, December 01, 2020
Mud Minotaur
my mask mimics teeth
I hiss from my heart
I've scratched earth from the inside
till it hides at my center, fills my nails
tranquilized by living
traumatized by living
I take the silky dismissal of the day
beat its filthy drum outside my body
like whiteness, it feels--
white, old, dead, cold
or you know--just snowy and lonely
and knowingly waiting for my touch
_________________________________________________________
Note: I yelled out to L that the fallen tree's rootball looked like a monster. Just silence--no response to that, so I turned around to look and couldn't find her! For a minute or so--she was off taking some pictures too... But it was spooky and I panicked hard for a few seconds. Reminded me of reading Donna Harraway and loving on Jim's Dog.
Monday, November 30, 2020
Counting smiles
The picture looks like it's just a happy Scout, but At's hand petting him is pretty content too... With At home, all of us are a bit more smiley. The stream of teasing, self owns, and friendly eye-rolling is at an all time high too. Big A and I are--not so secretly--relieved to have At shelter at home with us rather than in the wide, virus-y world outside.
Nostalgic use of family idiolect has made a comeback in a big way. At made me snort the other day, because he was 'sad' we never use the term "socker" anymore. Luckily for me, it's because the kids stopped leaving their socks all over the place.
Friday, November 27, 2020
Sweet Meh-mories
And then they both stomp around shouting "Where the food go/Where does the food go?" until it becomes a chant. Not sure if they're asking where the food went or where the food should be placed. But they're laughing too much to tell me. Then it becomes a song and somehow even after many, many hours on my feet, it really seems infectiously funny rather than annoying. Eventually, the table is set; Big A gets some photos; we eat. It's "the best Thanksgiving meal ever/really knocked it out of the park" for the 10th or 11th year in a row. All these dorks are nothing but kind.
There was an aborted game of You are a Liar and another of Coup, and the Criterion edition of The Gold Rush and more of L's pumpkin pie and Big A's whipped cream. Repeat.
So grateful. Really don't know how I would make it without these two and the rest of my crew. (11/26/2020)
Wednesday, November 25, 2020
Prep Mode
Tuesday, November 24, 2020
Monday, November 23, 2020
To Sleep
Was I just riding skies
instead of seas--
Sadness and gladness are cruel
sirens, crossing countries
with me, waiting
near the cave that is my mind.
Do you hear me? Hear me!
Bear me forward.
I hymn you in the old ways
drowsily exhaling light
breaking like the day.
Friday, November 20, 2020
Mother's Day mess: It's a fine one, don't worry!
MIL was in town, so we had a big Mother's Day brunch like we used to have when we lived in Yellow Springs. I dug up some Lily of the Val...
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Friends and old neighbors shutting it down in honor of John Crawford. _
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I have the feeling that I’m going to succumb to the season and put out a list of resolutions soon. Just wanted to establish this heads up th...
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At had us pose for this pic up at Aunt R's place on Lake Huron so he could put it up in his dorm. "Don't tur...