shadow / reflection

Back to afternoon walks with Big A after a few days off... It had been rainy/he worked three in a row/one or both of us didn't sleep well/some other excuse.

I'm burying the lede a bit here, but Big A's scheduled to report to NYC for a couple of
weeks--although their cases are down, their regular docs will need a break. He volunteered about a month ago, and his schedule has just been formalized.

He offered to "just stay the heck alive" because it made him sad to imagine me falling apart. Reader, I plan to take him up on this generous offer.

'C' is for Sibling

Nu took the box part from a boxed set of thank-you cards and created a lovely 3-D photo frame for At's birthday.

The box was originally plain blue, and Nu painted the grass, flowers, stars, and crescent moon, propping up the photo on a toothpick so you can kind of bobble it.

I thought the moon was a 'C'--and when I asked what it was for, Nu looked me straight in the eye and deadpanned: "it stands for sibling" before breaking into giggles.

I love every part of their creativity.

[I remember when we took this picture so clearly--we had just moved to Yellow Springs at the end of the 2007-2008 academic year, and were visiting Grandpa R and Grandma C. It may have been Nu's first time in a hammock. At is 9; Nu < 1. Taken on my Nikon DSLR, which I loved, but haven't felt the need to use in years now...]

Feeling 21

At's bright smile, 21 birthday candles collapsing into the Bananas Foster, and my hurried, clumsy picture... but At's bright smile!

Big A, Nu, and I (and Scout and Huck) had fun decorating the table and making a "boozy" dinner (ravioli in vodka marinara, bourbon-blackened salmon and veggies, Bananas Foster), looking at old At baby pictures, and celebrating the fiercely compassionate, delightfully mellow, and cheekily erudite firstborn. He loved all his presents--the party planning essentials, the new Michael Yates book, cheese aficionado tools, and our big spend--the Dyson hot/cold fan/air purifier thing he can take to his bedroom now and dorm/first apartment etc. later.

At had originally (months ago) wanted to have a family dinner and go out to a bar with friends, but modified his plans to a Zoom "Conspiracy Theory Party" because of the lockdown. I heard him kind of cackling long after midnight, so I think that part went well too.

😍🥰😍😘🥰😍 

"NPCs?"

Snuck out for a walk with these guys and when the other kids saw this picture, they were a bit jealous and claimed that dad and puppies looked like unreal NPCs. Apparently in video-game-ese it stands for a "non-player character." I see it, actually!

All family pics are either the kids or Big A these days... that's just the way it is in these days because of isolating Big A. Friend-writer SS suggested that I write about how difficult and stressful it is to isolate within the family--but what's there to say beyond how much it sucks?

Do-over Tuesday

It was too windy to walk today (I'd set off with L, T, and R earlier and bailed on them 10 minutes in), so Big A and I chatted inside instead. Scout and Huckie joined us too, but I don't remember what we talked about, actually.

It's Tamil (and Bengali and Malayali) New Year Day! Fresh start #4 or #5 if you're nominally Hindu--haha! It felt odd wishing people in the middle of a pandemic, but 2020 could certainly use a do-over.

When you love your big brother,

the governor's stay-home order sounds like a VERY good idea (to Scout and Huckie anyway)...

Also, At won't admit it, but he kind of likes sneaking peeks at This is Us, which I'm watching with Nu. 

Brave New Nu

Well... the clippers I ordered arrived and Nu was quite insistent that they wanted their head shaved. "If not now then when, mama?"--which is a fair Q. Plus it was their "Boss Day."

On top of that, At pointed out that lots of people are doing it during the lockdown 

including health workers at the forefront of the the fight...

And so, voila:

Basics: Walks and Hugs

My kids seem ok with not leaving the house. Nu (a sliver of blue way back in this pic) has taken to getting through the daily exercise requirement by walking in the backyard with Scoutie and Huckie. At has cited "hell week" and "finals week" as excuses to not leave the house--like at all.

But all four kids have been absolutely amazing with support and kindness and love. Almost... carelessly? Yesterday around breakfast, At just ambled over and enveloped me in a huge hug. When I asked him how he knew I needed a hug, he said "when do you not need a hug?" It was kind of sweet and funny, and made me chuckle whenever I thought of it all day. When I thanked him for it at dinner, HE HAD NO MEMORY OF IT. Either he just thinks I'm super needy and throws me hugs all the time, or I'm imagining things now?

Buy Day

1) Clippers
I realized the kids would all need haircuts before too long, and certainly before our lockdown is lifted. I asked Big A to look for clippers when he went to the store, but they were all out. They're almost all out online too, but I managed to snag a couple for the canine and human kids.

2) Plants
Because I have a riot of tropical happiness in the indoor tea garden (jasmine, bougainvillea, begonia, geraniums...), I began craving new replacement plants (especially for the bougainvillea, which have gotten a bit straggly). Thankfully, online nurseries are open--but I didn't know that the jasmine variety that works in my garden is called "confederate jasmine" or that the tradescantia vine I like is "wandering jew."  I mean! WTH with the racist references? I removed them from my cart, but I really did want them, and overcame my hesitation by making up alternative names like "Michigan jasmine" and "passover plant." I'm either very clever (sarcasm) or beginning the descent into dementia.

Human (Social Distance) Calculator

We weren't sure if the sidewalk was at least 6' wide, so T--who's 6'.4"--decided to check for us.

Time to Freak Out

Big A has been talking about how dire things are in NYC and thinking about heading out to help. Today the city sent out an emergency alert to every NYC phone and waived privileges, credentialing and other requirements for out-of-state healthcare workers. I think I knew even as we were walking with the puppies and making our usual silly jokes that he had decided to go.

He told me late this evening... or rather, he "asked me" if he could go. He's just told his practice and is trying to rearrange his shifts here. 

The thing is I was selfishly hoping that we'd make it out ok as Lansing has PPE (for now) and not as many cases (for now). I even suggested he go to Detroit instead--at least I would be able to get to him if needed. I know he's doing the right thing. But I'm so scared, ashamed for being this selfish, and really, really scared.

Social Distancing Photo Booth

Bestie L's birthday today, but we can't celebrate like we usually do, so I put up some decorations outside her house and invited other friends and neighbors to pose with the decorations to wish her.

She said she got videos and photos throughout the day.  And I got copied on some too!

Pictured here: just my own Nu and Big A at different times today. 

Social Distancing Boo

 

Forever Young

Pic from earlier this week (didn't leave the house today)
MSU Gardens

Although I usually get by on 4-5 hours of sleep, I've been sleeping a lot--a typical sadness red flag for me. But the kids don't know that, so when I said I felt groggy, my loves encouraged me to go back to bed at breakfast--even insisting they didn't want eggs, "We'll eat Eggos."

I eventually got to bed midday after some long chats with Big A (from all the way across the room), 'coping by moping', and writing lovelorn poems like I was a virginal teenager. Then Big A got me some gummie treats via drive-thru, and whoo--I was umm... the life of a very tiny party for a while. Ha. Not a good plan for everyday, obviously.

Big Girl

One of our busiest hikes at Harris Nature Center today--my four kids, L&T; B&L, V&C, plus CF and VC and JS and, and...

I've been feeling... sad is the best way to describe it. And as the human kids traveled up and down the hike group chatting away, I brought up the rear with just the puppy kids, giving myself permission to be alone for a while.

Back home, we made a pantry-sourced, vaguely Thai-inspired soup with sweet potatoes, beans, veggies, lemongrass, ginger, basil, and coconut milk, and then settled in to finish watching the Gerwig adaptation of Little Women after dinner with Big A.

Ever since I won a copy of LW in fourth grade, I've steadily read most of Alcott's novels, contributed to the Alcott encyclopedia in grad school, and generally adore her--that I loved this adaptation with its duplex ending so much means something.

The kids had already seen it with the grands in OH when it first came out, and I found it so sweet the way they watched my reaction as they re-watched the movie with me. Also, they think it's hilarious to call it "Big Girls."

Legg Day

Legg Park hike; some glimpses of the river, but mostly muddy and ordinary. Scout and Huck loved it, and At and Nu approved of our shorter outing. Lots of distance between us--L and T, B and L, and KP.

And OK--it appears that health care workers seem to be getting sicker from coronavirus--I had noticed this from bits of news, but thought I was just sensitized to notice those bits because Big A works in the E.D. But no. So I've been expressing some panic, anxiety, and fear over here. (understatement)

Yogis/Doggies

I turned around after a yoga sesh yesterday, to find Scout and Huck had been following along (well, kinda ;) ).

And while that was a nice distraction, I'm beginning to appreciate how long this pandemic might last and how intense the health costs might be for us, for so many people. I'm prepped for all sorts of eventualities, so now's the time I begin to worry about people I don't know and things I have zero control over.

I wish I could live through this thing in a yoga trance.

Rambles

Today's ramble was to Lake Lansing, and I may have rambled back to FB too...

Love in the time of Corona

I couldn't completely give up on family dinners, so this is how it is now with Big A on one side and the rest of us clustered on the other side.

It was a strange day that felt like the beginning of a war. The email cancelling in-person classes after today had come in at midnight, so I knew driving in that it was the last day. Then I got stuck in a convoy of military trucks on the highway, and it felt like being in the middle of a post-apocalyptic movie. I hammered out an asynchronous schedule for next week; had Big A order At to come home asap; attended a service at the chapel for graduating seniors who are absolutely crushed that commencement is "postponed," and teared up a few times myself; met with my Friday class and let them vent about having to go home/their dashed hopes for choir-band-track/fears about the virus itself; followed the senior playing bagpipes around campus for a while; heard singers practicing "Loch Lomond" on the steps of the library; and then made my way home. I have the feeling all the sweet details of campus life are going to come back to haunt me as this disruption intensifies.

Notes on 'camp'

Quick overnight trip to Chicago. (In classic irreverent fashion, the human kids called it the great Corona Virus Vacation.) Actually, it was a birthday trip organized by Big A as I love long chatty road trips with all the lovies, having carpet room-service picnics, and falling asleep to a range of deep snores.

As I texted KB who was incredulous that I'd do this to myself--it's the closest I'll ever come to camping.