because I had not been intimate with death
I did not know all its names
I did not know all its names
I had to text a friend who teaches Hindi
to check if kaal, which means time
is also an archaic word for death
and it is
doesn't it make sense?
the passage of time means death
look at old B&W photographs
their grey, grainy flecks, the people
disappearing before their time
how my mother will stay
behind at the end of this year
And in Tamil kaal-am, which is time or season
is also the formal, euphemistic word for death
someone's season is over they passed away I can't find the vein
there's another kaal in Tamil, and that's toddy
(perhaps for someone who wants to get blackout drunk
so they never have to remember grief)
Kaal in Tamil also means stone or rock
(or that which you turn into when death visits
they're gone and now you are too)
Or kaal can mean mountain (from where you can fall
or where you may want to run away and never return)
Kaal in Tamil and Telugu means legs
(you could use those to run away, maybe to the mountain)
kaal-a in Telugu, though, is dream
(yet another way you could run away)
and if you say it another way
kaal-a is art
chitra-kaala is visual art
I don't know what art it is
to foolishly repeat a word
watch it like a small plant
breaking tips and branches
until it begins to look strange
and loses meaning
almost becoming
something that doesn't exist
almost
_________________________
Note: The title comes from the lovely Nicole's comforting mantra ("there will be a time after this time") although I may have messed it up a bit by borrowing it for this rumination on the passage and polysemy of time. It feels like I didn't stick the landing...
Pic: From the Lake Superior website ahead of the blizzard. 22-foot waves. To a non-native Midwesterner like me, it seems wild that you all are calling these seas "Lakes."
24 comments:
Kaal Bhairav vibes here ... God of temporality, death, fear and ... protection. You may enjoy the Ashtakam.
Loved this reflection
That said, one query: I don't think Kaal is stone or rock in Tamil. I think it's Kal with a short A. But you may know better... I will look into it also and ask others more proficient in Tamil than me
That wave. Wow!! It is funny that the Great Lakes are just referred to as lakes given their size. We need a new work for them. Locean?
This is a beautiful rumination on death. I dread the day I lose a parent and am so sorry you’ve been through this.
This was absolutely fascinating to read, Maya. I love delving into language and I don't know any Hindi, so this was so interesting to me. I have to tell you that I got that saying "There will be a time after this" from my dear friend Allison. It started out about chaperoning a field trip, and I think about it ALL the time. It's the best way to stay in the present, I think, because there is always a time after this time.
That wave! Wow!
I recently listened to a podcast that claimed Great Lakes beaches were not "real" beaches and I got a bit fired up. #justiceforthegreatlakes
Hugs to you, friend. I have been spending the Holiday season in some level of denial about how this season is different from previous years. Maybe you're better off for taking the time and energy to reflect on it and sit with your feelings. I hope you are able to have moments when things don't feel so heavy.
"how my mother will stay
behind at the end of this year"
These lines made me tear up and catch my breath. I got an immediate visual, one in motion, and it was intense. I've never, ever thought of Death in this way.
This poem is one that deserves more attention. I'd like to see it without parentheses holding such concrete explanations, which I think weaken it. Just be the poet you are and say it. Trust your voice, which you find again in the last stanza.
Don't shy away from your power, which is considerable.
Maya, thank you for letting us read your beautiful reflections and pondering. To me, you DID stick the landing, because you dared to explore the chasm of grief. So many are (understandably) afraid to dip their toes in its waters.
As a coastal native that wave photo is WILD and humbling! Wow.
Sending you love and light and sandwiches, always!
❤️, Steph
Beautiful poem, Maya. Much love and many well wishes in this new year.❤️
I love the ending, Maya. It's wonderful. And I am in awe that the word for time and death and art is one and the same. That makes so much sense. I respectfully disagree with Nance about the parentheticals -- those moved me, the way the mind is capable of tying everything back to loss, or the way, perhaps, all of language/life/time is about (coping with / avoiding /grieving / staving off) loss.
This is so interesting. We have so many words that wound alike and mean different things but these are all related to context. It's fascinating. And it touched me so when you wrote about how your mom will stay behind. Wow.
Thank you!
(And you're are so right--I would even spell it "kull" to mimic the Dravidian retroflex "l". My mind is just grasping at more tenuous connections by that second movement... Same with Kala.)
"Locean" is catchy, Lisa; I might start using it. :) I like Third Coast, and StephLove told me that at one point there was a push for "North Coast," which would make a lot of sense!
(I know what you mean, and I had/have a lot of anticipatory dread and grief, but may that day be far, far, far in the future. XOXO)
IDK Allison, so you're getting the credit, Nicole, you gotta deal with it. J/K Please thank Allison from me, if it ever comes up; it has really gotten me through many, many dark times. XX
#justiceforthegreatlakes :D
Group hug, Engie <3
Thank you, Nance.
This is very in progress (just started it yesterday). I added the parentheses late to avoid sounding as though those were actual rather than foolish-fanciful-tenuous definitions and connections. I guess I should trust the reader.
Thank you, darling Steph. Come visit!! (We won't see *that* wave, but we'll visit the North Coast :)
Thank you dear Claire... and thank you for reading! Much love to you and excited for all the big things coming to you this year 💗
Thank you, Suzanne...
(Perhaps the visual marker makes it choppier than it has to be?)
It's curious what we unearth as we write sometimes! Thank you, Jeanie XX
To be clear(er)--I think the actual parentheses themselves, ( ), perhaps shouldn't be there. To me, they indicate that the poet needs to add explication to the lines in a different, not-poetic voice. As if the reader might not get it otherwise. The poet's job is to give the reader Her vision in Her words and let the reader do with it what he/she will.
I agree, Nance. I reread after I read your comment and I could see what you meant. Hopefully, the slippage and tenuousness is conspicuous. The parentheses kind of interfere with how dumb and grasping these thoughts are because they seem overly authoritative and pedantic.
Lovely poem. I love all the iterations of the same word and I do like the title. Also, that's quite a wave for a lake.
Thank you, Steph. Right? I really do think "Lake" is a misnomer--it very misleading!
Well, I have a particular fondness for parentheses... but if they had been absent, would I have wished for them? Not sure.
Suzanne, same! (I think it's the Hamlet in us...)
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