I should be sadder. I would be if I didn't keep forgetting that it really happened. Every time I remember, it still feels unreal. It was mom's "Boss Day" yesterday, and I could barely get through it. It felt real again and again because I couldn't call her.
I'm so relieved that there is some semblance of a ceasefire in Gaza (Doctors Without Borders reported they're still hearing bombing). Amidst the hope for healing, I keep thinking about the the nearly 60,000 children who have lost parents and how it must feel to experience that loss so violently and so young.
At stopped by--it was SLE's birthday and At needed her mom. I suggested we celebrate SLE and we talked so much about SLE we both had a good cry... and then we went to the temple with an offering of fruit, flowers, and silks just for something formal to do. At had been disinvited to the funeral by SLE's family, so I keep suggesting At and her friends need to do something to honor SLE in a way she would have enjoyed. (I know so many rites now since Amma's funeral.)
Pic: Why so serious, sweet Max? (Because Dad made him wear his glasses.)
6 comments:
Max is ready to give his presentation on Chaucer, defending his dissertation.
I too am hoping for peace…for the people of Palestine, who have lost so much. For the hostages taken on October 7th, and their families. If nothing else, I hope a lot of humanitarian aid can get in. I want so much more, but am cynical and fear it will not last long. I hope I’m wrong.
I hope your walking brings you some relief from your grief. I keep saying it, but the strongest feeling for me was confusion…like you said, hard to believe it was real. Like you, I never saw my mom’s body, and for several years there was a part of my brain that practiced Magical Thinking. I would wonder if she had been put in a witness protection program, and was hiding out somewhere. How could she let me know she was OK? How difficult it must be for her to disappear that way. I know our moms didn’t want to leave us, they would have stayed if they could. SIGH.
I’m glad you and At were able to honor SLE for her birthday. It’s a lot right now, isn’t it?
Your choice of Chaucer made me laugh, J. I'm going to read Max some Chaucer in the morning and report back to you.
I'm sorry I seem to be bringing back memories of your own loss, J... Yes, not seeing would be difficult... (I "saw" on FaceTime, it was difficult also. There is no way this is not difficult.
I think walking is so therapeutic. It literally keeps you grounded and progressing, and it takes you out into Nature, reminding you that you are part of the life cycle. Not to mention that the Earth is mother to all life. Of course it is helpful.
My sympathies for At. What a cruel place to find herself in. The grief of loss is heavy in itself without any added emotional burden.
We are watching with guarded optimism the developments in Gaza. The numbers surrounding the losses and devastation are staggering and seem insurmountable. I wish someone else were shepherding this peace, but I still remain hopeful for the people there.
I think of walking as another kind of ritual, one that honours and works through so many difficult and celebratory periods in our lives. I'm glad At has her mom.
<3
I've never thought about walking, Nance, and love what you've written here. I do remember that many writers (incl. Woolf) claim waling helps them process thought and rhythm...
I hear you when you wish someone else were shepherding the peace in Gaza; me too. A HATES when I say this, but perhaps this unpredictable person is whom we need in this moment for Israel to take admonitions seriously.
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