I mean there's no way my kids are going to meet every arbitrary milestone and make only perfect decisions. Things could get "bumpy" any minute/soon and the one thing that centers me is thinking about how much must be going on in their lives right now, because all they ever did was always only sweet/funny/adorable once. (And in the meantime, I bite my tongue until someone asks for my advice.)
Actually, I think it works for everyone i.e., people who aren't kids in my life too. I think it was in a Jennifer Weiner novel, where the protagonist finally finds a way to get along with her unhelpful MIL by thinking back to her being a neglected baby. I've frequently used that trick to find compassion and understanding for people when they're being jerks.
Pic: My loves--Max, Huck, Nu, and At--hanging out for a moment before we headed to the temple for New Year's Day blessings yesterday. I hope they'll always find warm, cozy places to rest... and that I can make those places for them if they need me to.
10 comments:
This is a great trick. I also like to look at their hands. For big kids, it’s a moment of marvel (how did they get grown people hands?). For medium kids, it’s a reminder that they are still so teeny.
Oh, that is a helpful thing to remember. I sometimes think that way "something happened in this person's life to make them behave this way" - when someone is being difficult. It helps for sure!
Cute photo.
After Noah was born, I had more compassion for my students, because I'd look out at them and think, they are all someone's precious baby, even now.
p.s. I hope nothing is going on right now that is making you need to practice this skill.
It's so true.
Rick and I often talk about how difficult it would be to raise kids now, in the age of social media and ubiquitous smart phones, rather than when we raised our sons (born in 85 and 88). It's so much harder now to even *be* a kid; there's so much more societal pressure, so many more avenues for it to be applied. Life seems to move faster for kids.
I'd like to think I'd have that insight and compassion were I a parent now. I know teaching and raising the boys at the same time helped a great deal; I learned so much from my students about what their lives were like.
I always assume there's something going on in someone's life that is making them act in a way that I disagree with (i.e., they're being a jerk). Driving erratically? Must be on the way to the hospital. Snapped at a waiter? Must be exhausted because they are a caretaker to a terminally ill person. Ignored my dog on the street and didn't tell me she is adorable/well-behaved/brave? Must be recently unemployed. Because there can't be that many jerks in the world (I think, optimistically), but there can be that many terrible circumstances in people's lives.
This is such a helpful thing to remember! I am going to try that the next time things get a little too teenagery around here.
Maybe in a similar vein -- I read an interview recently with Ann Patchett that referenced an article she wrote about how people stay married, even when their spouse does annoying things that grate. And one of the pieces of advice was to focus on things about the other person that you admire. I really like that. Instead of being irritated, I can think about how patient he is helping our kid practice her instrument.
I'm not picking a word this year, but if I did, it would be "cozy." What an honor to be a human's safe landing, and if I can help create that for my family (who were all precious and little and have had their share of notsoprecious) I'll consider my life successful. I love the idea of remembering that everyone was cute once. I often reflect that even the people who do the most awful things I can think of were once tiny babies in someone's arms.
Sarah--Love this "hands" tip and am adding it to my stash.
Nicole--Truly!
Steph and Nance--Yes... I think I too have used things learned in the classroom to parent and vice versa.
Engie--I teared up a bit at your generous interpretation of people's actions. Yes, this is definitely the way forward.
Life--I've wonder what I would do if my spouse developed a habit that grated, so this is very good advice.
Chiconky--I too equate "cozy" with "safe"--kind of like when you're cuddled up with a baby. Our "not babies" deserve that.
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