"Ammu, feeling vomitty"

Strong nausea all day yesterday, even through our anniversary dinner and I got through it all without spoiling it for Big A. But I was so bewildered by the timing of it, because no one else at home had it, and I was otherwise fine etc. 

Then it hit me this morning... I had been looking at our wedding album yesterday... and of course seeing all the pictures of mom must have triggered my grief nausea. (I still have it most mornings, but not in the evenings.)

And then I pictured myself telling her. Except, inexplicably, the words that popped into my head were the ones that Estha uses in The God of Small Things (in the scene that never fails to bring me to tears): "Ammu, feeling vomitty..." he says as the train pulls away from the station. So there I was in the middle of Meijer, crying... Big A holding me to him while I was telling him NOT to look at me.

Pic: A series of her walking hand-in-hand with my stepmom-in-law whom she'd met for the VERY FIRST TIME that weekend. This is so her. 

"sway with me"

Walking down the street after conference registration, I almost lost it when a street musician struck up the chords to "Sway." It was one of my mom's favorite songs.

E.M. and I met up later to see an open-air theater play. It was an assembly of snippets (Medea, Antigone, a bit of Aristophanes, + Homeric lore). It was powerful. Especially the Medea. The Parthenon and sunset peeking over the skyline made it all extra amazing.

It felt a bit like going back in time, what with our glasses of wine (I spilled mine halfway through the show when there was a jump scare) and the actors in masks.

Pic: We were encouraged to take pictures, so I did. #Greece

Cape no fear

Despite the steep cliffs and the razor blade rocks, it's very peaceful up at the Poseidon temple over Cape Sounion. My favorite uncle sails, so I always say a special prayer when I'm here, just in case the old gods are listening.

Pic: I love this sunset, and Nu, and the fact that they have a soft spot for Pitbull (check the tee) because I once told them that my girlfriends took me to a Pitbull concert for my bachelorette party (and then to Scores, IYKYK). #Greece

I don't remember anything about the concert except that Pitbull was very sweaty and had to keep wringing out the towel he was using to mop up. We were right up front too. There are very few people whose sweat wouldn't bother me, and Pitbull was never on that list, so I was a bit worried it would get on me.

(One month since Mom's 80th birthday. No matter how much I distract myself, that internal calendar keeps track.) 

layers of unhappiness

UDL teaching workshop this morning--I was learning a lot, and contributing a lot. After watching the short documentary clip about kids with ADHD, I told a story about my babyhood that made the classroom go "aw" and chuckle. Except that after everyone had returned to the work at hand, I kept seeing my mom as an earnest new parent and I just... shut down and had to leave the meeting early. 

(The story goes that I was not a good sleeper as an infant. I was hyperactive--and from six months onwards--very talkative. When my parents brought it up to the pediatrician, they said that it was probably because I was very brainy and constantly at work. That was so smart of the pediatrician, because it immediately mollified my parents and they never complained about my weird nocturnality again.)

Pic: Long walk-and-talk with JG in the afternoon. I inscribed two books (the Trans book and the poetry anthology) for her. I updated the annual report last night and was struck by how my scholarship, mentorship, and service for this one year would be a decent tenure-deserving record in most places. And the reason I'm having uncharacteristically braggy and uncharitable thoughts like these is because I'm so disappointed at work right now. 

and now goodbye

After an amazing brunch with At at SuperKhana, Big A and I headed back to Lansing. Nu is spending a few extra days with their big sib and taking the train home later this week. 

I love how that sounds.

I couldn't help thinking how excited my mom would have been to hear these plans and marvel at how grownup the kids were getting.

Pic: Nu, H, and At at the door of At's place.  
 

baby back

Managed to help Nu unloft their dorm bed and jenga everything into Bluey. I'd had tea with JG earlier and she'd offered to help with bringing stuff to Lansing, if necessary...but as it turned out, Bluey could handle it! So excited to have Nu back for the summer!

Then I made it to bookclub. I hadn't read the book beyond the online sample, (Chloe Dalton's Leveret), but I wanted to see everybody. L had made everyone copies of my poems to read for the next meeting. L has just been promoting my work to people! I've tried asking her not to, but she is genuinely happy and proud of me, and that reminds me a bit of my mom, so I'm shutting up. 

Then Big A and I went to get drinks, apps and see Is God Is--compelling with some cute vibes, but more violence than I needed.

Eight decades of awesome

It's Amma's 80th birthday today. I spent quite a long time at the temple. My sister made her a mango cake, I made her a kulfi with pistachios, cardamom, and rosewater. For the past couple of years in the lead up to this big birthday, she'd been joking that I would not make it home for her 80th birthday celebration as I had done for my Dad's 80th. She would set me up, teasing me about loving dad more than her--just so I'd profess my love for her above all else and promise to be there with her today. This turned out to be such a not-funny joke. 

For my dad's 80th, I flew to Bangalore to surprise my parents. My mom was also on her way back to Bangalore after visiting my sister who was on assignment in Amsterdam. And... BY SOME AMAZING TWIST OF SERENDIPITY, we were both booked on the *same* flight from Frankfurt to Bangalore on the second leg of our respective journeys . I called the airline and arranged to sit next to her, and I started to moo like a cow (one of our silly joke things) as she approached the row... SHE WAS SO BOWLED OVER when she found me! This picture is us reunited on that plane; She looks a bit dazed from the surprise and has her hand wrapped so tight around my upper arm... What I wouldn't give...

medium to intense

DV had given me a gift certificate to Moriah the Medium in September... I felt ready to use it today.  

I set up for our Zoom appointment in the same place where mom and I had taken our last photos together and showed up alone, because I didn't want anyone else's overly rational energy around. I'm not sure I could completely turn off my own rational mind either. As it was, I wondered if I was being told what I wanted to hear--that she was at peace, is always proud of me, and always loves me. 

But then, she said also that my mom is worried that I haven't been as social as I used to be and why haven't I been doing the things I love--like walking by the water by myself and writing. That took me by surprise, because those last two things seemed fairly specific to me, and also true.

I took myself off on a long walk as soon as we got off the call. I was told swans would be a sign from my mother. Mom frequently mistook geese for swans, and we now have geese year-round, so I guess I'm in luck. She said nothing about Scout whose third anniversary was yesterday.

Pic: Redbuds in bloom by The Red Cedar; the floods have receded.

like a ghost in my throat

once again I tell my mom to hurry
synonyms swarm in my belly 
rushing, quickly, soon

                             hug me, hug me

other hours restlessly lie waiting 

an urgent clock is ticking

and marking history

                             hug me, hug me 

in sleep, an endless future patiently

cradles every chance not absence

I'll have to wake soon, mom

                             hug me, hug me now

_______________

Note: One of those dreams where I was telling my mom to hug me quickly... the urgency made no sense. Except on some level, I was aware I was dreaming.

Pic: Red Cedar from the Hagadorn Bridge with Big A after a long walk downtown for his Boss Day dinner. (Reminder: In a college town, the weekend starts on Thursday evening.)

back in a mandala

If I started something new and started looking for results, my mom would often tell me to stick with it for at least 40 days. Because that's how long a mandala--a full cycle of human physiology--is in Ayurvedic practice. 

I've been away from journaling here for over 40 days. I don't know if I'm any different than 40 days ago. 

I didn't mean to stay away. I was very sad and extremely busy. 

I'm still very sad, but am way less busy.

It has been half a year since we lost mom... 

The nausea that went away has begun to return again... 

Because May is coming and it bears her birthday and Mother's Day.

We should prepare ourselves for May, my sister said. 

Yes, of course. But how?

visiting

A video call with dad and sis this evening. I was kind of saying goodbye as I don't know what the internet situation will be like next week. It was so centering to see them.... To hear my sister tell me that I should have a conversation with mom when I wake up on my birthday.

Can I just say how kind everyone has been?!? "Unfailingly" is the word that comes to mind. Family and friends. My community. They have helped me keep the important things going even when other things fell away. 

Steph recently noted that I don't seem to be out walking much, and that is so true! I rarely seem to venture out unless it is with someone. That's a far cry from most times in my life and I hope I'll go back to craving my own company.  

But also the kindness of everyone who stops by! I think often of Jenny's calendar of grief. And I've saved so many comments of comfort and reassurance in an email file that I open up to reread often. I read Jeanie's when I don't have faith in myself because she seems to and seems to know so much that I don't. So it was a treat to get to spend teatime with her.

Pic: The fabulous Jeanie with Max and Huckie!

memoriam

Baby sis (whose birthday was in Jan) and I didn't feel we could bear to celebrate our birthdays this year. So we've put them on hold.

Starting Saturday, I'll be spending a week with United Way of Sarasota County (FL) cleaning up after Hurricane Milton as part of a college service break with students. It'll be filthy work all day and bunking at a local church shelter at night.

My mom would be slightly horrified at spending a birthday this way--she so loved luxury and soft things. 

But somehow it feels right to me. Not quite a celebration, more as a way of comemorating the gift of this body she birthed. 

In any case, it'll be different.

Pic: Mallards on the Red Cedar. Walk with AS last week.

lining up

Grief has been crippling lately. Meditating at the altar in the middle of the night, seeing Scout and my mom side by side, I found fresh regret for not knowing that mom was going, for not being able to say a final goodbye--the way I was able to with Scout. If I had known ahead of time, I could have flown to Bangalore. 

Past me must have decided that I needed to do more things, because my calendar has been jam-packed.

But current me had to deal with an Urgent Care trip for Big A on Tuesday (Long Covid is no joke) and an emergency vet trip for Huckleberry on Wednesday (waiting on results) and had to cancel some previously made plans.

But I still got to see Lucas Zelnick perform today and see the world premiere of Sally (based on the experience of Sally Hemmings) yesterday. 

Pic: A bunch of us at Sally; I'm nicely nestled between friends.

I've been traveling

It was just a quick trip to check in on MIL, but our 48 hour trip to Yellow Springs (Friday evening to Sunday evening) turned into quite the fun whirl. It helped that MIL seemed so much better than "now in a power wheelchair" seemed to suggest. In fact, I didn't see the wheelchair in action at all, so it was a good weekend.

We got in late on Friday evening and hung out Saturday. Then I had a long lunch with TJA (who lost her mom three years ago and has never recovered, and I fear that might be me). Then after everyone went to bed, there was an urgent invite to come to game night, so it was off to our old neighbors, where EVERYONE was there, and people were lining up to hug us like the prodigal returnees we are. Brunch with the Ms on our way out of town on Sunday, surrounded by all the loveliness of their Pottery. I don't need anything new at this point, but I did grab some stuff for presents.

Now Nu has been returned to their dorm, and I feel something coming over me. Hopefully, it's not something a few strong doses of turmeric tea can't fix. I'd like to say I've been traveling this weekend, not that I've been sick.

Pic: I had to borrow reading glasses to play Catchphrase, and people wanted a picture of me wearing these outsize glasses. I wanted to take a pic with SA, At's beloved 4th grade teacher, so this one is a two-fer.

some warm thoughts on a frigid day

So far this year, the kid from Chicago has visited once and the college kid has spent two weekends at home. I squeezed them every chance I got. Not only did they squeeze me back, they're prone to special things like doing my chores for me when I'm not paying attention and bringing me treats when I'm working. They're consistently the best.

It's painful doing video calls with my dad and sis... because from my side of things, my mom's absence is so plain. It's difficult also because my mom was the chatty one on that side, the one with whom I shared books and shows, and now it's just the three of us being sad. 

My mom was so very chatty. I always laugh when I think of that one time At was on a phone call with my mom (maybe when At was 9/10 years old). At had been silent on the call for a while, so I whispered encouragement to say something, and At shot back, "I'm still waiting for Ammama to stop talking." Haha. Good times. 
______________________
Pic: A glimpse of The Maple River. Cold. It's going to stay in the single digits all week.

endings

1) Jeanie said something in the comments last week that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. She noted that 2025 had been a year of leaving for me. My mom died, Nu went away to college, and At moved to Chicago. Not all of it is as sad as the first thing on the list--I'm happy for Nu and At; this is the right thing for them. (And it helps that Big A and I are having a wonderful time by ourselves.) The way Jeanie framed this actually helped me, because after At's ex and my mom died within months of each other, I kept thinking some third calamity would befall us. Now here's a list of three, and I feel like I can exhale. 

2) It has been four months. On the family WhatsApp chat, which we'd continued to use since the avatar was a group photo with my mom, I guess the system has noticed there haven't been any messages from my mom in a while, so it posted that she had "left the conversation." My sister and I were very rattled by this. I keep sneaking looks at that screen and it's a gut punch every time. 

3) Engie marveled yesterday that we start school so early. Yes, but I take heart in knowing that in 15 weeks, this semester will end and bring me face-to-face with summer break.* I feel-hope-trust that sunshine will heal me.

* I usually end this sentence with "bitches!" in my head.

Pic: Grey, sleeting, and foggy--a terrible trifecta all day. (Not a B&W photo.)

Monday # 1

It's just another Monday, but also the very first Monday of the year, so I'm counting that as significant! 

I'm all prepped (Canvas pages are published, syllabuses are ready, students have been emailed, I've looked over my notes and silly jokes, diagnostics are ready to go, waitlisted students in the oversubscribed classes have been manually added to the roster, I looked up new icebreakers, etc.). But that doesn't mean I'm not super antsy with the usual mix of excitement AND ANXIETY. I've been teaching for over 30 years... And yet, every time is like the first time.

Some somewhat Hamnet-related thoughts. First off, Nance, Lisa, and J were so kind in their approval of that last poem. And I thought about how I couldn't have written that poem if my mom was alive. And then weirdly how proud she'd be of being my muse if she knew. But how happy I'd be to just have her be here so I could write about ants and grasses or whatever else I used to write about before. Also, I'm pretty wrecked by mom's passing... but, watching that movie, it occurred to me that I cannot even imagine losing a human child.  

Pic: The daffodil buds I bought myself last week are beginning to flower, as are the roses SH gave me on Saturday. JL gave me that little red cardinal when cardinals were visiting me everyday in Amma's wake in September. I should start a label# SecretWinterFlowers

Post Christmas Crash: "stop crying your heart out"

We used to listen to this Oasis song when At was a toddler and then it popped up on the playlist today when we were ferrying stuff At was taking to donate to the thrift store/ put into storage in our basement preparatory to moving to Chicago TOMORROW. I knew she meant to move at the end of the month, but I didn't know it was going to be so soon. (Only two or three days sooner than I expected, but it seemed to make a big difference today.) 

And then tears were rolling down my face and I was trying to brush them away as I was driving and At was ruefully petting my arm and saying, "Mama, you're not doing what the song is telling you to do" (i.e., "stop crying my heart out.") That made me smile a bit. Then she helpfully noted that we've never lived this far apart before upon which I started crying again. 

And some stuff going into storage were picket signs for a cause At had poured years of work into and had come to naught and some stuff going to the thrift store was stuff I had agonized over and spent a way too much money getting for her. Plus our Flu and Covid shots hurt and made me bleed. And I haven't heard this song in years, and "all of the stars are fading away" made me think of my mom, and every thing has the potential to make me sad today. 

[I know this is the right move for At, and that Chicago is not that far away, and we'll talk, chat, and FaceTime, and all that... But this feels huge and uncharted. Plus there are all sorts of other risks in Chicago now for a brown person like At.]

Pic: The nonchalant snowperson from earlier this week, whom I termed my patronus, is a melty, deflated mess. They feel like today's patronus.

dearly beloved...

One of my besties sent me an "Emotional Support Prince" doll  who's holding a sign that reminds me that we're here to get through this thing called life. What is really says to me of course, is that we should go crazy and reminds me that we shouldn't let the elevator bring us down (maybe we take the stairs?). Ha.

Happy Solstice! Although we didn't mark it this year, I'm so grateful that the days will get longer... I'll cherish every extra glimmer of light.

And in India it's my uncle's birthday. (I actually get my love for Prince from him!) My mom openly and unashamedly loved her only brother more than she did any of her three sisters and he in turn doted on his nieces (us), so today is a special day. I'm extra proud of him this year. At 74, he's just finished law school this semester. He said he got so annoyed with his lawyers who wouldn't take his advice on his real estate cases so he decided to go to school so he could represent himself! Not sure if that's optimal, but I'm in awe of his gumption and imagination. Needless to say, his classmates adored him. 

Pic: A close up of my Emotional Support Prince, who's sitting in our Christmas tree for now. 

yes, there is a holiday card

I wasn't sure what I was going to do about the holidays... I didn't celebrate Diwali this year--it was too soon after Amma's funeral. 

But Christmas wasn't a holiday I typically celebrated with her, so I thought I'd be ok. But no, it has been brutal. After I came back from NYC, I don't really know what happened between Monday and Friday? 

And now Christmas is less than a week away. Or a few days away.

I didn't feel putting together a family holiday card this year, but last week I realized that this was the last year my mom could be on one (grandparents and sibs are usually on our holiday cards) so I had to make one. And mom loved our dress-up shenanigans, so I ordered us some tinsel wigs.

Pic: The best we could do. Max was very offended by the idea of wearing a wig. And did A (behind me) not know his face was completely obscured? We were already late for trivia night and friends were waiting, so there were no retakes.