the walking cure

(for K.B.)

We haven't seen each other in weeks

we're to go on a walk

I expected a ladylike turn on campus

but here you are 

in sneakers, leading an active puppy 

so we end up 

wending our way to Luce Road where

we remember

how our current high schoolers were tiny

preschoolers

whose peanut allergies then seemed 

to riddle absence--

are now surviving, becoming new people

with "hot dates"

imagining themselves un-endangered 

have new names 

in today's succulence, there is rain

but also umbrellas

there are mosquito bites that bead 

my arms like biceps 

words hang between us like roots

seeking new growth

you guide each signal that tumbles out 

kindly, grace-fully

we're filling out equations of sympathy 

on each side  

even in all that happens to interrupt us

because somehow

it seems, you believe in my goodness

as I trust in yours--

oh, how are we such miracles, friend--

finding us in this world

Pic: KB, W, and bike-path friends in Alma.

surprises

On an early morning walk with L, we found these lotuses blooming out of the sludge and rain water. No one seemed to have refilled the lotus pond at the horticultural gardens, but here they were anyway.

At the end of the day, I found myself in the unprecedented and awkward position of having been suggested/nominated for three different service positions.

random

I have no idea why I took this picture of our shadows (Big A and me) yesterday, but I like that my shadow looks vaguely like a mermaid's.

I've tried not to dwell on the news (abortion bans, voting suppressions, Afghanistan, rising rates of Covid) this week in favor of focussing on being the best teacher and parent I can be.

No updates on how that's going yet.

Almost all caught up on admin and to-dos for a bunch of side gigs (CASA, Jaggery, NWSA, and SAWNET) and feeling some relief from that.

Onward.

I've framed summer

 

farewell summer 2021

This summer had teeth like mosquitoes 
flush with hail and all-day rain

I wave goodbye to this 

all summer long, the heavy air settled

into my narrow body, caught me 

out of breath every time 

a decrescendo of repeat, mute, rewind

until my mind is white noise

my heart half silence

and my hands sail safely to my sides

opening, undone--bones plummet

in percussive emphasis

You know what...

I think I've taken on too much this year. At the end of this first week back, I'm deeply depleted and exhausted.

Pic: Late evening walk with Big A. The river was peaceful and lovely, but when one walks with Big A and his Apple watch, there's no tarrying.

another day

why am I here bitten, forgotten 

arraigning a legacy of crazy

with remembrances

where my body and yours are

flattened by blank screens

and seen everywhere

why am I here, I wish you 

well, wish you could

just tell me

what will I not hear, this time--

more problems, every time--

no problem

I say--but there were always 

problems and prizes--

with surprises

I spy

 

sibling rivalry

the opposite of down is really long

remind me to take a step back
take in the silver habit 
of a grey day

pacing love and dissent, weaving
every day the excitement 

of reunion  

days we laughed, we sometimes

wept--from stories we heard

around radios

life feels so small it's basically 

one tunnel--just one that 

runs forever

Pic and notes: Early morning walk with Big A, Huck, and Scout. Grey day--busy all the way through and no good news at home (roofer canceled, Covid rises) or abroad. We were almost devoured by mosquitoes. 

overhearing

reaching in the way of breath
souls out as though flying

starting as newness does

language bends us to light
tethered to our affections
pointed as our engines 

it's crowded in the big sky,

friends--we have: planes, 

birds, satellites, choices

when it's so hard to listen 

what shall we do, indeed

for our use... for our ease

Pic: Late summer garden

hot take

Back walking along the Red Cedar with L today... Scout and Huck heard her at the door when she came to pick me up this morning and went bonkers to see her as she'd been taking care of them while we were gone. Lovely walk; lovely talk; lovely L.

Canceled my planned walk with BS (it was too, too hot and I was way too tired after catching up on housekeeping and new student schedule changes). I was going to cancel my walk with EM too, but she canceled first. Ha. I didn't even have to plead for the pandemic pass as we'd established.

Still thinking of At's impromptu detour yesterday to the Battle of Homestead site. Still thinking and still processing... and so moved by the small donor-funded memorials (physical and virtual) and their commitment to solidarity and workers' rights. 

@Fallingwater

I've been fascinated with Fallingwater since I first heard of it when I was barely a teenager and lived many continents away. 

I was so happy to be here in this harmonious space today... It was a sweet counterpoint to the one-upmanship of the Pittsburgh skyline.

Back home today to be reunited with Scout and Huck... YAY!

mini-vacation

 

A quick trip to Pittsburgh... 

my anxious face is hilarious.

Here's a better one of the kids at the lookout after we rode the Monongahela Incline.

#LaterPost

of darker days

> Torrential rains last night and then a pretty innocent-looking morning. Yet at my all-kids-pre-breakfast cuddle/huddle, At remarked on how it already looked darker at our regular wake up time.

*

< Started Ayad Akhtar's Homeland Elegies. FML, I didn't expect so much of that first chapter to be about Trumpfzzzz. It has been such a relief not to have to deal with that din on the daily.

a time of discernment

My humans are each engaged in a personal time of discernment...

Nu is figuring out being 13, their gender, and responsibilities and anxieties around high school...

At is experiencing post-graduation life and making meaning of his impromptu gap year...

Big A is dealing with a change of employer and the potential loss/depletion of research funds...

I appear to be panicking at will and slipping into periods of sadness routinely... None of it is inexplicable--if I think about it I can pull up tons of reasons why I should be sad. But it's not particularly discerning or meaningful.

Anyway, something that brought me a momentary chuckle today: I'd switched Siri to "Indian voice" recently. And good thing I did too. When I turned the phone's flashlight on by accident today, I was both faraway and flustered and slipped into Indian/British mode, asking Siri to turn off "the torch." And... it was done even before I stammered out "I mean flashlight." Nice discernment, Indian voice Siri.

Pic: Waterlilies at MSU Horticultural Gardens.

broads

A bright blue, sunny, HOT day and I spent much of it with JG in a belated joint birthday celebration visiting the Broad Museum (another item off my summer list), discovering a brand new restaurant with outdoor seating, and walking down the riverwalk--just us two broads (ha!) talking, talking, talking.

(I noticed the return of masks--mandatory at the museum, prominent at the restaurant, and intermittent on the riverwalk.)

I didn't find time to dedicate to exercise, but if the goal is to sweat everyday, I certainly achieved that on our 90-degree day.

an answer

so what if scars seam 

my body, it holds 
together

wherever I feel untaught 

I risk transparence

today

you should know how 

defiance clears
my throat

why I quiet in the face

of an ongoing

spectacle

so well trained, when

blossoms happen,

I'm reborn

Pic: Phlox!

walking the walk

I've been walking with the kids fairly regularly--pictured here are three of four. 

The human kids frequently "take turns" walking with me. Not in an eager way--but more like one is busy today so could the other step in, etc. 

For some reason, it sort of makes me happy because it makes me imagine that when I'm elderly and need their care they'll negotiate a mutually compassionate and equitable way to make that work too.

The puppy kids are, naturally, happy to walk any time.

escape landscape

first: sun on high smiling down

then liquid, drenched in luster

leaves, trees, all this causality  

deciphering futures/scriptures

from beauty, I'm still interested 

to learn how to drift with light 

outside lies the anthropocene 

like moths lusting for a glow   

here I'm only: oh's, aw's, noes

mouth heavier than ever before 

I go after words and find sounds:

songs of sobs, verses of laughter

Pic: Baker Woods this morning with L. 
(Not pictured: swampy-slippery paths, at least one spill, and swarms of mosquitoes.)

bits of the day

Out early today to Alma for a seminar/workshop and it was so good to see and be with people--many of whom I haven't seen or been with for a while.  A few people were wearing masks indoors and although we're nearly 100% vaccinated as a college community, I wore mine too out of respect. 

Work, work, work, and then I headed home with JG on the phone to keep me company on the commute home. 

Low: Heart heavy with the looming eviction of millions of families in the middle of a pandemic.

High: Hearing The Foo Fighters' cover of The Beegees' "You Should be Dancing" live from Lollapalooza on the radio. Apparently it's something they've been doing for a while? Anyway, it was the bit of disco silliness that helped me get through the day.

Pic: An early bird posing for me with their accessory worm (yesterday at the Horticultural Gardens).