anticipatory story

my mother is old, my father older

the hopes in my heart older too 

I will them to come back daily

the way every day shows

the way every day shows us

loved ones and love come and go 

they go where? are gone how?

go ahead and tell me, though

I won't want to know

really won't want to know

how details rip truth like velcro

float in water like a miracle

or a corpse or an insect

I think it's a window

and like a window

in each story where we're still alive 

it is not the vertigo of certainty

telling the usual ways of love

at times, mourning knows

only mourning knows

____________________

Pic: Father's Day blooper reel. Big A's tee says "Doodfather" because he's a very indulgent dog (goldendoodle) dad. Max and Huck just couldn't stay still. I talked to my dad early in the morning... I miss him a bit extra because he's not up for (is just too old for) 24-hour travel and is not coming later this month with my mom and sis. 

Joy and Power

I've been wishing people a joyful and powerful No Kings Day. And by all accounts, it seems like it was both of those things for everyone who attended. Some of my favorite signs were "No Faux King Way" (say it fast!) and a "No Parking" sign with the "Par" part crossed out. Gathering in large numbers with united purpose and creativity is joy and power.

I went with people, but was still a bit nervous about being grabbed off the street and sent off to a jail somewhere. It's just that crazy out there these days or I'm just that crazy these days. Either way. 

Just to make sure I looped in some joy, I hit the Farmer's Market and went to a graduation party as well. 

Pic: The crowd of protestors at the Capitol this morning. 

I got my way, but not the puppy

The third puppy was an impulse wish, so things may change yet again, but for now--I don't think I'm getting Legolas (Lego). 

Friends were uniformly supportive in their encouragement. To Big A's caution that three puppies might be excessive, LV scoffed that SIX might SEEM excessive, but not three. That still makes me laugh.

Big A, At, and Nu came around. (My mom used to say that I like to test people who love me. That sounds awful, and I probably do. But I don't think I was yearning for a puppy to test them.) 

Ultimately, it was another family member who changed my mind. We had a lot of visitors last week, and I noticed Max is a bit shy and seems to need his mama more than Huck or Scout did. He's usually rambunctious, so this public persona is a bit surprising. It made me feel like he's still a baby and needs more time as the baby of the family. 

Pic: Baker Woods with L. It was an explosion of green the moment I stepped in. So different from two months ago when I was last there with Lisa.

what we have here

(here) is the door I promised, my darling

the moon growing full with welcome

late in the evening as our day turns

it is holy to need someone so

(so) scrutiny doesn't concern us anymore

our breath weakening in the breaks

like a broken stone collecting 

freedom, opening

(opening) trust deep as the release of cicadas 

from earth--their rising a resurrection

from the profound time of dreams

and dirt and promise

_____________

Pic: It's the one month of the year our rhododendron is in bloom; I'm in awe every time I glimpse it.

justice and care

As armed National Guard troops are called to push back on unarmed civilians in Los Angeles protesting masked ICE agents (why on earth are they masked like they're the KKK???!?!?!) who are conducting workplace raids and storming elementary school graduations, this passage from Kelly Hayes and Mariame Kaba's Let This Radicalize You: Organizing and the Revolution of Reciprocal Care comes to mind:

"If your tactics disrupt the order of things under capitalism, you may well be accused of violence, because "violence" is an elastic term often deployed to vilify people who threaten the status quo... Conditions that the state characterizes as "peaceful" are, in reality, quite violent. Even as people experience the violence of poverty, the torture of imprisonment, the brutality of policing, the denial of health care, and many other violent functions of this system, we are told we are experiencing peace, so long as everyone is cooperating. When state actors refer to "peace," they are really talking about order."

And I like what Rebecca Solnit said today to people in L.A. about creative resistance: "Shut it down. Slow it down. Wake it up with decentralized protests. Military people are good at violence; that's what they're trained for. But Angelenos greatly outnumber them, know the city intimately, have a thousand ways to make a ruckus and gum up the works. I hope people will appeal to the California National Guard that they're on an illegal mission and should never act against their own people like this. Also, Hollywood, pretend you're in an action movie. Because now you are. Deploy your stars, your special effects, your set designers. Maybe a stunt woman or two."

Pic: The bushes by our front gate were so overgrown, they were hazardous. When driving, we just couldn't see traffic while we were turning into the street. Big A started to trim the bushes the other day and stopped when he realized that there was a nest with baby birds. He was upset because one baby had fallen out and he hoped the parents would still come back to the nest and take care of the rest. Yesterday, we peeked, and it seemed like the babies (we think robins) were doing well. I can't say how happy it makes me that he cares about things like this.

A Diamond Birthday in D.C.

My M.I.L. was so excited when I sent her the link to the NYT article on the Minè Okubo exhibition in the Smithsonian. Given the family connection, I knew we had to take her see it and that it would make a lovely 75th birthday celebration for her.

It's working out nicely. Both her kids, grandkids (my human kids), and I are planning to head to D.C. the weekend before the exhibition closes. 

I have D.C. friends like SD, whom I met nearly 30 years ago in Jerusalem, I'll want to see while there. And I'd LOVE to see blog friends StephLove and "Subway" Steph, if they have the time+inclination.

Pic: This seagull(?) who stayed perched up there the whole time we were on the beach yesterday.

beachy thoughts

Beach day with E.M.

Grateful for an easy drive, a beautiful day, perfect weather, and a spectacular sunset...

Grateful for a friend with whom there can be seven hours of continuous talk and 45 minutes of companionable silence as we watch the sun set.

Grateful I no longer think beach days must be family days--they can be just me days too.

Pic: Lake Michigan sunset at North Beach, Ferrysburg. 

dream politics

There's schadenfreude to those two horrible people having a snitty shouting match in public. But the horrors and the cruelty don't stop with them so I must keep on protesting. 

The story of the young man who died because his maintenance inhaler became too expensive is nightmarish. The wholesale, wide-ranging cruelty of the people in power gives me elaborate revenge fantasies where they experience everything they're causing for other people. The "Big, Beautiful Bill" has got to go. The people they've removed from their families have got to be returned. Federal agencies have to be restaffed, re-standardized, re-funded... it may take years to reverse the uncaring viciousness of the last six months. Not that where we were six months ago was ideal.

In my dreams there are pickets and marches and wars every day. Yesterday, I was bossily moving someone closer to a TV camera so their poster would get more attention. The closest I came to that in real life yesterday was when I moved a planter closer to a spot of sun.

Pic: Black squirrel nibbling. Despite having lived in Michigan for well over a decade, black squirrels still delight me. This one's delighting in a tidbit they found in the grass. 

talky-talk

A day for visitors! 

L and I took a long summery walk in the morning and then L disappeared for a while and showed up bearing this month's bookclub book and a ton of cut lilacs from her garden. The whole downstairs smells so heady.

LV stopped by later for tea and treats and we just jabbered away through tons of stuff and pizza delivery and he helped me break up Max's excited and immediate friendship with the pizza man + desire to explore his van. LV didn't leave until the imminent arrival of my C U N(ext)T(uesday) club, where he rightly felt he would be out of place. 

Big A and Nu crept in during the short time no one was around to sneak some pizza for dinner before doing their own thing (nap before work, swim with friends).

It was supposed to be pizza and movie night, but the girlfriends did not pick a movie and we just talked for hours instead. We're going to do the celebrations everyone feels they missed out on--BL didn't get a bachelorette party during the pandemic, for instance.

Everyone agreed that I need a third puppy, so I either have the best friends or they're all enablers. I got to confess in a safe and supportive space that the other day I thought Nu was kissing me goodnight, but they were actually kissing me goodbye, and I didn't realize until the morning that they had not spent the night at home. I did not know where my kid was at 10 pm or any point after. Yikes.

Pic: Peonies from my walk with L this morning. What even are these colors?! I love summer.

the embrace of trees

for Nance
there are so few ceremonies 
in absence 
I fall asleep in this shade and know
this is no mean season
it is a season of faith, of falling haptic
and helpless into hope
knowing we'll not run out of time
or light until nine or ten, 
so there is time to see the world as entry
...as a luminous archive
to take turns at impossible gifts, escapes, 
and knowing 

that even if we haven't seen gods by now
we've surely seen angels

________________________

Note: The title comes from Nance's comment yesterday. I was a bit dismayed the poem came out with some religious motifs as Nance is agnostic, but I comforted myself by reminding myself that I know she believes in Nature.

Pic: The Red Cedar through the trees on my first long walk of June.

summer rain

as if geography is destiny

leaves turn miscellaneous 

in our anthology of trees

just gentling into time

all we can grasp for now 

is this softness between us 

a metaphor for unexpected  

meaning--as if we invented it

_______________________

Pic: I didn't check my work, but it has been nearly a month since I walked by the river. I took a long walk today, and it felt SO good.

Ughs <--> Ohs

The NWSA proposal EM and I submitted together didn't get accepted, but the one I submitted by myself did. I wanted to go with her!

I ran out of moisturizer while traveling with the kids and sampled Nu's Vanicream, and it's a dream. It may be the one thing Miranda July got right in All Fours. (That and the bit about dogs.)

I got my travel course evals--high marks, but very few comments. It would have been nice if some of the kind things people wrote in cards and emails were in the course evals--I'm up for assessment the year after next.

I got a copy of American Dirt by Jeanine Cummings (from a Goodwill) because a student (Hi, CW!) wanted to work on it and am reading it now. I expected to hate every minute of its appropriative voice... but have to say it's quite respectful and suspenseful.

A poetry anthology I have some poems in is now on Amazon and getting promoted heavily by the editors... and I'm worried my mom might see. I know she'll not like that I wrote about some of those topics.  

Pic: I watched this frog swim up to the little solar fountain like they were a kid in summer camp swimming up to the buoy in the middle of the lake. Their name is Popchyk. (Big A is reading The Goldfinch on my recommendation and we talk about the puppy more than any other character.)

"Grad U Ate"

Nu's grad party!

It was going to be outside, but then it looked like rain, so we moved everything indoors. The house was full of people who've known Nu since they were a baby/toddler and it wasn't just me getting emotional about this celebration.

Nu who'd consented to this party just to make me happy admitted at the end of the evening that they'd enjoyed being made a fuss of... !!! YAY.

I set out my kumkum bharani for people to place a vermillion blessing on Nu's forehead before they left. And my favorite thing about my multi-ethnic community is how each person made this Hindu tradition their own. While some people placed a dot (bindi/bottu), some drew a cross, or a crescent, and even... a smiley face!

Pic: Nu making a silly face because I asked for a pose. Behind them, their cake that says, "Grad U Ate." (I learned what the kids were saying and the pun wrote itself!)

"Even a wounded world holds us"

Thank you for the kindhearted words yesterday, everyone. I am lucky and grateful to know you. Your words helped.

As did this quote from Robin Wall Kimmerer (Braiding Sweetgrass) that came to me via L: 

"Even a wounded world is feeding us. Even a wounded world holds us, giving us moments of wonder and joy. I choose joy over despair. Not because I have my head in the sand, but because joy is what the earth gives me daily and I must return the gift."

Pic: This winsome chipmunk who lives inside my broken Buddha also brought me cheer yesterday.

not the post I expected to write on returning

I did not expect to be overcome by such crushing sadness today. I was happy to be headed home, but with the travel term and the wedding (two of my big summer things) safely in the past, all the things I've tried to set aside spilled over inside. 

I guess there were fissures all along if I look back. My strangely titled post about cousins, for instance, is likely because I was trying to suppress having read about Dr. Alaa al-Najjar, the Palestinian pediatrician who had to identify the charred bodies of nine of her children after an Israeli airstrike on her home that day. 

Another airstrike yesterday on a school being used as a refuge by families yesterday, and I think the fact that my tax dollars contributed to this and supports the systematic starvation of hundreds of thousands of people feels too much. All the donations we make personally will not help if there is no food to be bought. How have we--as humans, as Americans--let this genocide continue for 19 months? 

(There was also the minor stress of sharing a hotel room with my kids, one of whom continued to feel a bit under the weather. Did I wish they'd do a bit more? Yes. Did I ask? No. I need to get better about this.)

Anyway, it all came to a head when we were dropping At off at her place. I started crying, then At and Nu were also sharing sad snippets and crying in the car. Big A was calling to find out where we were, but I couldn't even pick up the calls. Then At suggested a walk around the block to clear our heads. So we walked for a while... we found a small park and Nu and At gave the spinners a go. 

Pic: Nu and At at the park. It made me smile to see my kids... acting like kids. 

"when the sky looks back at you"

Today was a free day in New Jersey, where we lived two decades ago. It doesn't look changed at all and I wish there was more time to go into NYC. I started messaging old friends for hanging out earlier in the week, and many were away for the long weekend, but I ended up setting up little dates with some.

But first breakfast with Daria! The conversation was nonstop, tripping over the many, many things we have in common--teaching, growing up in a different country, poetry... And things we don't--like Daria's love for camping. I loved how she described the night sky looking back at her when she is in her tent so much, it became the title of this post. Both Daria and I are spare writers--we rarely have posts that are pages long--but we chatted and laughed our way through 2-3 hours so easily. I really, really, really hope to meet Daria again. Maybe in Michigan? The Midwest? 

Another highlight was meeting PRS after years--we go back decades and she is likely the brainiest person I know and I love her so much. She is uncompromisingly honest, so when she says she is proud of me for building a home where my kids can chart "their comfort journeys home to themselves," it is something to truly treasure. She does not hesitate on calling me on my nonsense, and once I swallow my initial defensive responses, I can see where I can do better. PRS is writing full-time now--when we first met, she was doing something her parents wanted her to. I am so ready to see her long-form work in print. 

Pic: Beautiful Daria gave me this exqusite edition of Anna Akhmatova's poetry that I will treasure forever.

all dressed up

Pic: Cousin K's friend who spent Diwali with us last November took this picture of me, Nu, and At before the evening festivities started.

A parade, party, people, people I haven't seen in years, dancing... I was so happy. 

Nu was a bit under the weather (hence their mask), so I  thought we should leave early. But the kids convinced me that At would take Nu back to the hotel and I should stay and enjoy. 

And so I did.

"pediatricians are the best"

Pic: Cousin N took this picture of At and me with our fresh wedding henna. Earlier, when she saw At, she took one look and swept in for a big hug saying At looked beautiful. She didn't pause for questions about names, pronouns, histories... At beamed. There's such a sense of relief being with my kids in an accepting place. 

When I texted Big A about Cousin N, he texted back that pediatricians are the best. (Cousin N used to be At's pediatrician when At was a toddler, actually.)

And Cousin K, the bride, has just matched with the pediatrics residency program at New York presbyterian. She's very good with kids too and the reason why Nu, so notoriously averse to big gatherings, decided to do this trip--because toddler Nu was a big fan of Cousin K.

Three-worry Thursday

The kids and I leave for the wedding tomorrow... we fly in and out of Newark airport, which has been experiencing tech delays and disasters lately. Whomp-whomp. We have plenty of time on both sides of the big event, so I'm hopeful that things will be okay. "Promise me you'll come back," L said.

And I hope At will have a good time at the wedding. It's her first big family gathering since transitioning. I don't expect anyone will be mean--everyone was simply lovely when we shared Nu's transition at another wedding, and there are other trans and non-binary kids in the family, but At might be the first trans woman. It's not a big reveal--I've had heart-to-hearts with my cousins about it + At and the kid cousins share social media, but there are bound to be people who will be finding out for the first time. 

Pic: I caught sight of this pair of mallards in the pond this morning and was worried they might nest here, because I've done my reading. Baby ducklings would have been cute, but I wasn't sure if Max and Huck would be gentle with them, so I acted like a very noisy human and they decided to leave. 

this is about everything

the world is different after rain 
its marrows open, singing, astonished

outlined in reflections and wet mirages

I mark myself in nothing now 

in the endless movement of trembling

meeting no resistance, passing through

only freckled with the dailiness 

of living and knowing we can wake up

like flowers opening their bright mouths

_________________

Pic: At and Nu surprised me with a M.U.M. (MakeUp Mother's Day) today. Their card was an "In Sympathy" card for being their mom. They think they're so ironic and funny. [eyeroll] After they finished laughing at their joke, we had a wonderful time raiding my closet for wedding attire to wear this weekend and picking out jewelry--with my kids clowning all the while. Then a leisurely lunch of sesame noodles (I'd already made that for dinner, I didn't know we were celebrating today) while watching Laapataa Ladies, until it was time to head off to various meetings and appointments. It was too rainy to do our usual Mother's Day gardening, but I get three days of travel with these loves later this week, so I'm sure there'll be plenty of opportunities to maximize our time.