"hungry heart"

First things first: My mom is out of the ICU! She was even up for a FaceTime this morning. I'm not sure what her recovery looks like, but I'm so glad we can begin it. 

Big A is still not OK. I'm beginning to feel a bit worried because we're no closer to answers than we were when it started. He's scheduled for a few days off, and I hope he manages to shake it off.

Okay. Confession time: I used to come here to jabber journal-style to myself, but now I know so many lovely people here--I didn't want to keep posting bad news day and after day and stressing people out. So I wrote my little notes to myself, but didn't hit publish until today. I hope that's ok. Also, I'm so behind on reading everyone's posts and responding to comments... I'll get on that... tomorrow...

As it is, so many of you reached out to check in on me. Thank you. Even Engie who's had such a shitty stressful month and is finally on vacation with her bestie! I straight out refused to give her any sad updates.

Pic: If you squint, one of my strawberries looks heart-shaped!

"unbecoming"

Stuck in a holding pattern today... Amma is stuck in the ICU (she hates it there because she loves company and is currently only allowed one visitor at a time twice a day); Big A is still holed up in the guest room with his road rash and his high fever.

I had to get out of the the house today. 

I said a fond and proud goodbye to TP, who's leaving Lansing to take up a tenure-track position at Bradley University.* I've known TP since they were a baby scholar and now they have a book out with Rutgers! (*I kept thinking Bradley sounded awfully familiar and only later did I realize it's because that's Sarah's [and Ben's?] alma mater!)

I had to attend a screening of my colleague SS's film Did You Guys Eat at the Broad Museum.

I had to take Max to a vet appointment. (Big A was supposed to, but clearly couldn't).

And then EM picked me up to take me to a "mental-health dinner" at Brody Cafeteria where I ate for the first time today, so I ate three plates of food and three desserts.

Pic: While at The Broad, I checked out Diana Al-Hadid's exhibit "Unbecoming" which plays on the concept of "unbecoming" as unraveling and also (when applied to women) as inappropriate. This particular piece was titled "Medusa." 

telling everyone I know

I usually don't post very much on FaceBook... But I needed everyone I knew to pull for my mom...

and they really came through.

That's the thing I have to love about Facebook, when you need people, everyone from your fifth-grade best friend to the newly-appointed president of your college shows up for you. 

I'm so grateful for everyone's well wishes, I hope they work for my Amma. 

Pic: Screen-grab from my FB post today

Wonder Women

Thank you for the well wishes. Mom is doing better. If she continues to be stable, they'll move her out of the ICU tomorrow. My seventy-nine-year-old mom has chronic heart and lung problems, but as Big A said, she's living to fight another day. 

I nearly died every time the phone rang today, imagining the worst. One branch in my brain's flowchart was already making arrangements to travel to Bangalore. Simultaneously, another branch was completely certain that everything would be alright, how could the world go on without Amma?

I know the day is coming for me, for all of us, and especially people my age. Just this week, I've had friends describe parents as "actively dying" and witnessed (on Facebook) friends whose last parent died describe how it's never old to feel like an orphan. They were not ready. I know I'm not ready. I doubt anyone ever is. 

Anyway, because my sister and I were constantly texting yesterday, I took some strength in thinking of ourselves as Wonder Women. Our group chat name plays with this theme--it's called "Wanda Women" since one of our family names is Wandawasi. 

Pic: Top--our "Wanda Women" Profile photo; Bottom--the photo Big A took the morning they left. Nu is a bonus presence in both.

"in the end I want my heart to be covered in stretch marks"

While my sister spoke to me over the telephone, I spied a smudge on the kitchen counter and assiduously swiped at it clockwise and anti-clockwise with a dishcloth.

I guess I was hearing her words but hadn't yet made sense of what she'd said.

My mom is in the ICU. She may need to go on a ventilator. She may have had a heart attack. All of this still sounds unreal. She was just here two days ago, being her usual self.

Before my sister's call, I had started today's post with this: The gentle, brilliant spoken-word poet Andrea Gibson, who died yesterday, once wrote “In the end I want my heart to be covered in stretch marks.” And I too want to stretch my heart wide with love and what it means to be human and alive and brave. But I can't handle the thought of my mom struggling to breathe.

airport picnics and no buenos

Today was goodbye. This second week really raced past. My dad is so awesome for managing by himself for two weeks... I really couldn't ask for a longer visit. But it was difficult saying goodbye. 

We found a four-leafed clover to pack for travel good luck. And Nu helped me with the big suitcases and Big A managed to jenga us into one car with all the luggage despite his dinged-up elbow.

When we got to the airport, it turned out that one of their four suitcases weighed more than allowed (50 lbs). So I repacked it so it (and the other suitcases) came in at 49.5. I felt like a hero because we avoided the 100$ fine. 

And I felt like a superhero when our little airport picnic of Parsi omelette sandwiches and veggies from the garden was pronounced perfect. But then they had to head for their gate via TSA and that's when my hero and superhero mantle crumbled and I (we all) (predictably) cried a bit.

And I cried lots more when I got home because Nu and Big A were there to be comforting. My poor long-suffering Big A--I spiraled a bit about my mom growing old, my sister not having a job, and how climate change is going to disproportionately affect places like India.

Anyway... we ate leftovers for dinner (yesterday's ratatouille and yogurt bread) and then I found a giant package of Kinder Bueno that my mom hadn't been able to fit into her luggage and left behind. I try not to eat questionably sourced chocolate, but this package was already here and Nu can't eat it (tree nut allergy), so I set to work. I've eaten seven (maybe eight) things this evening. Each one has two bars. 

Pic: Amma and me. Photo by Chelli (baby sis). 

home and away

My India fam is back from the trip to visit friends and we've been inseparable all day. Time is running out. This is likely my mom's last trip to the U.S. I don't feel like I can ask her to undertake 24-hour travel for me again. It's tough facing it, but my once irrepressible mom is not as hearty or hardy. 

My sis and I have shared all the hacks and jokes we'd been saving up for each other. And she now knows all my walking paths, so when I send pictures of scenery, she'll know where they came from.

Big A is doing ok... It's his first wipeout in 35+ years of bicycling and I think that hurts the most.

Three nice things for me this week: 1) I got randomly picked as volunteer of the month at Helping Women Period and I shared that on social media in case other people wanted to get involved too. 

2) I got an email from the colleague who runs the travel abroad program conveying some generous remarks from a student. That was nice in itself. I didn't realize until I got a thank you from the provost that the colleague had copied other people too. I thought that was extra magnanimous.

3) One of the editors of a recent thing I sent off wrote to another editor about my piece: "Isn't this just wonderful?" It's not much and doesn't mean anything in terms of production--but it just seemed so cheerful and unfiltered, it has made me smile every time I've thought of it. 

Pic: Huck and Max. A bit serious--they like the extra pets with extra fam around, but they're not sure they like sharing me.

here's an idea...

Pic: Here it is in all its gritty glory: "the reason you should care... is not that it could happen to you but that it is already happening to others." This is from Marsha Gessen's crucial piece in the NYT from earlier this year. I can't understand why countries seem to be constantly at war with their poorest and most marginalized citizens here and everywhere.

My India fam is visiting with friends until Friday morning. Another friend may come to us from Friday to Sunday (when they will leave). Yesterday's lunch choice was IHOP ( a solid choice) but I slipped up and got into a debate about politics (bad choice). 

I wonder if this is why I live so far away? I don't know that I could take people I love so much saying stuff all the time like, "But if you give the poor things for free they'll become lazy and won't work." When I heard that, I went hot and my voice got very quavery. I know how precarious the day-to-day is for so many people and how hard they work at all sorts of things so they can stay alive. 

And then I heard it, the constant chorus from my childhood: "Don't be so idealistic."

But why the heck not?

prayer for a future tide

hollows show with stars

in sequence all these years 

paralyzed only by the possibility

of time... if this world were mine

*

we'd follow the ripples on the path 

to where we widen daily treads

into the light, though the trail 

turns water as salty as tears  

*

the sound of the sea is

so close to the humming om 

of planets... of eternity folding--

dissolving all we can ever know... 

*

reversing presents, lining calendar

days in black, and yet bringing

the urgent surf of every day 

where we learn to love

__________
Pic: Nu's photo of Amma, Chelli, and me. I love that that there are complimentary wheelchairs at most museums. 

going through the (e)motions

Off to Grand Rapids today to visit the #1 Sculpture Park in the USA (are there others?) and then dinner at a friend's place until late at night when we had to break away to do our nightly video call with dad.

Already mom is feeling some anxiety about being away from dad.

Already I feel like I'm going through the motions and not enjoying this moment as much as I could be. I know I'll look back on this trip... I know we couldn't have done more, but I think I could do better compartmentalizing some of my grief about SLE so not making more of this amazing time we have together doesn't become another regret to tote. 

Pic: Sis, Nu, and mom at Meijer Gardens. The majestic greenhouses are in the background.

in honor of those who came before us

We're reading Angeline Boulley's Warrior Girl Unearthed for book club. Much of it takes place in northern Michigan--on Sugar Island where L had disappeared to last week, in fact. It is YA, but deftly deals with NAGPRA and the book is wonderfully infused with details about indigenous Ojibwe culture. 

So we took a road trip yesterday to visit the Ziibiwing Center where I was happy to introduce my fam and Mr. Ray to each other. On the way home, we stopped by my office for a picnic lunch.

Pic: Nu's photo of us by the college sign. (I cropped some of it out.)

in memoriam

I loved SLE very much. I loved who she was. I loved what she had made of herself. I loved how she talked to everyone. I loved how life had been unkind to her and somehow it didn't seem to hold this sometime foster kid back. I loved how she made At feel. I loved how she made me feel. I loved all the kisses and hugs she gave me. The kisses and hugs she told At to give me. The breakup was recent and I was going to wait a few weeks before I reached out. I should have reached out sooner. I want to keep these words here to remember how much she meant to me. I see it's Aaron Bushnell's birthday and it connects to something about how people are trying to do the best for themselves and others and get by however they can. Life is so heavy. I don't think I will ever get used to how final death is.

(At and I sat around on At's stoop talking through things and crying yesterday. Today, Big A reminded me that my mom and sis have come halfway across the world to spend time with me so I need to pull myself together. I'd made a detailed plan for every single day when I booked their tickets, so I may be able to pull this off.)

we're worth it

Already unthinkably wild things have been done and said (by my mom, natch) and wilder things have been said in support (by Big A who is her sidekick, sometimes.) 

Pic: Max and Huck aren't quite sure what to make of it all. I seem caught by surprise (and so, so much happiness) too.

the hits keep coming

I worked in the garden for six hours straight, with Max and Huck for company now and again, because I could not bear to be around the radio or my computer. I planted, replanted, cleaned the pond, fixed some fencing, and weeded a ton. They say we had a heat wave today. I guess? It was very hot and I was a sweaty mess by the time I decided to head back in. (I barely sweat usually, so this is kind of a big deal.) 

Also, I noticed flat white spots on my legs last week. I think I have IGH (Idiopathic Guttate Hypomelanosis). (Self-diagnosis via Google, and Big A concurs.) I thought it was age-related--like liver spots only in reverse, but no--it's because I'm such a sun-seeker. Also, as a proper Indian person, my first thought was leprosy, and it reminded me of the summer all the adults in the family tested me for leprosy with a safety pin.  

In serious health news, MIL had a mini stroke and has a cardioversion scheduled for next week. She would like me to enjoy my visit with my mom, but I wish I could go / feel like I should go be with her. In any case, this reminder of how quickly people's health can undergo a shift is unwelcome.

And world news continues to be awful. Children are eating dirt in Gaza while trucks with food to feed a million people are blockaded a few miles away. Plus we seem to be drifting into a war. I'm sorry for all the people in the bombed cities in Iran, but I was particularly devastated to hear Isfahan was one of them. I always longed to visit that ancient city known as "half the world." Also, I didn't think I'd be grateful for discrimination, but at least the military won't want my trans kids.

Pic: Yesterday I stopped by my office to pick up some books and water my plants and saw the college spirit rock had new colors. I wonder if it's the work of new Indian students or new Irish students. I've always loved how the mutual flag colors represent the alliances between the Irish and Indian independence movements. 

second-best

My sister's two-week trip to visit me might feel more like a one-week trip because she'll visit two very dear friends as well. Those trips are as short as they can possibly be--three days each, one day to travel each way and one day there.

To be able to write that down calmly without bursting into tears has taken me all of a week. It felt so petty to begrudge the other visits, but I imagined two whole weeks to ourselves with lots of downtime. Now it'll be a slightly busier schedule, but still so good.

Anyway, trivia today--just me, Big A, AH, and SD. We got second place after leading until the final wager round.

Pic: A shelter in progress? Along the banks of the Red Cedar.

anticipatory story

my mother is old, my father older

the hopes in my heart older too 

I will them to come back daily

the way every day shows

the way every day shows us

loved ones and love come and go 

they go where? are gone how?

go ahead and tell me, though

I won't want to know

really won't want to know

how details rip truth like velcro

float in water like a miracle

or a corpse or an insect

I think it's a window

and like a window

in each story where we're still alive 

it is not the vertigo of certainty

telling the usual ways of love

at times, mourning knows

only mourning knows

____________________

Pic: Father's Day blooper reel. Big A's tee says "Doodfather" because he's a very indulgent dog (goldendoodle) dad. Max and Huck just couldn't stay still. I talked to my dad early in the morning... I miss him a bit extra because he's not up for (is just too old for) 24-hour travel and is not coming later this month with my mom and sis. 

I got my way, but not the puppy

The third puppy was an impulse wish, so things may change yet again, but for now--I don't think I'm getting Legolas (Lego). 

Friends were uniformly supportive in their encouragement. To Big A's caution that three puppies might be excessive, LV scoffed that SIX might SEEM excessive, but not three. That still makes me laugh.

Big A, At, and Nu came around. (My mom used to say that I like to test people who love me. That sounds awful, and I probably do. But I don't think I was yearning for a puppy to test them.) 

Ultimately, it was another family member who changed my mind. We had a lot of visitors last week, and I noticed Max is a bit shy and seems to need his mama more than Huck or Scout did. He's usually rambunctious, so this public persona is a bit surprising. It made me feel like he's still a baby and needs more time as the baby of the family. 

Pic: Baker Woods with L. It was an explosion of green the moment I stepped in. So different from two months ago when I was last there with Lisa.

three updates and three book-ish developments

1) Just wanted to say Nu's not in trouble for the other night (and neither am I). At this point, letting me know where they plan to be is more about information than permission. It's just been such a whirlwind of sociality since graduation, I flounder at keeping track. 

2) As of today, little puppy Lego is still available. I thought today (Boss Day!) would be decision day, but Big A asked what if Max and Lego (who will be Max's size when full grown) gang up on Huck who is tiny and old--that is giving me pause. Also, should I be taking all the puppies? I feel a bit greedy like the Melissa McCarthy character in Bridesmaids. (But then look how happy she looks!)

3) My mom and sis are coming at the end of the month!!! Or at least we have tickets, so that's progress.
_____________

1) My book was done. But I now have to make some serious edits because it's about trans politics, and the last few months have changed the landscape of trans rights significantly. The illustrator came through with some amazing work this week, and that is giving me the boost I need to complete this task.

2) I started the year wanting to get out a chapbook of poetry, and have made absolutely no progress. I have not even made any moves or submitted to any journals or anthologies. It's June. I should start. I'm glad it's summer and have some time to devote to this project.

3) Pic: Contributor copies of a poetry anthology I have a few poems in arrived today. Right now, it's available on Amazon, but I'm avoiding that site. It should be available directly from the press soon. All the poems in this anthology started here on the blog--most have undergone massive revisions except the one I wrote for Nu, which shows up with minor tweaks.

all dressed up

Pic: Cousin K's friend who spent Diwali with us last November took this picture of me, Nu, and At before the evening festivities started.

A parade, party, people, people I haven't seen in years, dancing... I was so happy. 

Nu was a bit under the weather (hence their mask), so I  thought we should leave early. But the kids convinced me that At would take Nu back to the hotel and I should stay and enjoy. 

And so I did.

tea and ceasefire

Pic: A proper afternoon tea at The Orangery in Kensington Palace. Our day of indulgence!

And a good day to revisit the wonder of how the world has only two words for tea: Tea if by Sea, Cha if by Land.

Back home in Michigan, the morels are up. I want to tell Summer to hold back until I get back.

Feeling a bit lighter as we're are halfway through our trip and the countdown to home is ON.

And when I called my mom for Mother's Day, I heard India and Pak have a ceasefire! I'm so relieved!!