anticipatory story

my mother is old, my father older

the hopes in my heart older too 

I will them to come back daily

the way every day shows

the way every day shows us

loved ones and love come and go 

they go where? are gone how?

go ahead and tell me, though

I won't want to know

really won't want to know

how details rip truth like velcro

float in water like a miracle

or a corpse or an insect

I think it's a window

and like a window

in each story where we're still alive 

it is not the vertigo of certainty

telling the usual ways of love

at times, mourning knows

only mourning knows

____________________

Pic: Father's Day blooper reel. Big A's tee says "Doodfather" because he's a very indulgent dog (goldendoodle) dad. Max and Huck just couldn't stay still. I talked to my dad early in the morning... I miss him a bit extra because he's not up for (is just too old for) 24-hour travel and is not coming later this month with my mom and sis. 

"We gon' be alright/ Do you hear me, do you feel me? /We gon' be alright"

We've had tickets to the Kendrick Lamar + SZA show since before the Superbowl. I think it was Big A's present to me/himself (I forget). Anyway, that was today... and it was awesome. Like really awesome. The production was a treat. 

I love Kendrick Lamar's work. I don't know SZA's work other than the bangers and her duets with him, but the young people seemed very into her. It's kinda an odd professional pairing--he's a poet and... she's a different kind of poet, I guess.

In any case, I was reminded how much the lyrics to "Alright" had become an anthem in the first phase of the Black Lives Matter protests (before George Floyd). (Lump-in-my-throat moment.) It's a great reminder for our present. We've been here before: "We gon' be alright/ Do you hear me, do you feel me? /We gon' be alright."

Pic: We had very good seats, but I couldn't see much. In the picture, the real Kendrick is in the center (really tiny), and I contented myself with the screen versions most of the time.

justice and care

As armed National Guard troops are called to push back on unarmed civilians in Los Angeles protesting masked ICE agents (why on earth are they masked like they're the KKK???!?!?!) who are conducting workplace raids and storming elementary school graduations, this passage from Kelly Hayes and Mariame Kaba's Let This Radicalize You: Organizing and the Revolution of Reciprocal Care comes to mind:

"If your tactics disrupt the order of things under capitalism, you may well be accused of violence, because "violence" is an elastic term often deployed to vilify people who threaten the status quo... Conditions that the state characterizes as "peaceful" are, in reality, quite violent. Even as people experience the violence of poverty, the torture of imprisonment, the brutality of policing, the denial of health care, and many other violent functions of this system, we are told we are experiencing peace, so long as everyone is cooperating. When state actors refer to "peace," they are really talking about order."

And I like what Rebecca Solnit said today to people in L.A. about creative resistance: "Shut it down. Slow it down. Wake it up with decentralized protests. Military people are good at violence; that's what they're trained for. But Angelenos greatly outnumber them, know the city intimately, have a thousand ways to make a ruckus and gum up the works. I hope people will appeal to the California National Guard that they're on an illegal mission and should never act against their own people like this. Also, Hollywood, pretend you're in an action movie. Because now you are. Deploy your stars, your special effects, your set designers. Maybe a stunt woman or two."

Pic: The bushes by our front gate were so overgrown, they were hazardous. When driving, we just couldn't see traffic while we were turning into the street. Big A started to trim the bushes the other day and stopped when he realized that there was a nest with baby birds. He was upset because one baby had fallen out and he hoped the parents would still come back to the nest and take care of the rest. Yesterday, we peeked, and it seemed like the babies (we think robins) were doing well. I can't say how happy it makes me that he cares about things like this.

A Diamond Birthday in D.C.

My M.I.L. was so excited when I sent her the link to the NYT article on the Minè Okubo exhibition in the Smithsonian. Given the family connection, I knew we had to take her see it and that it would make a lovely 75th birthday celebration for her.

It's working out nicely. Both her kids, grandkids (my human kids), and I are planning to head to D.C. the weekend before the exhibition closes. 

I have D.C. friends like SD, whom I met nearly 30 years ago in Jerusalem, I'll want to see while there. And I'd LOVE to see blog friends StephLove and "Subway" Steph, if they have the time+inclination.

Pic: This seagull(?) who stayed perched up there the whole time we were on the beach yesterday.

beachy thoughts

Beach day with E.M.

Grateful for an easy drive, a beautiful day, perfect weather, and a spectacular sunset...

Grateful for a friend with whom there can be seven hours of continuous talk and 45 minutes of companionable silence as we watch the sun set.

Grateful I no longer think beach days must be family days--they can be just me days too.

Pic: Lake Michigan sunset at North Beach, Ferrysburg. 

three updates and three book-ish developments

1) Just wanted to say Nu's not in trouble for the other night (and neither am I). At this point, letting me know where they plan to be is more about information than permission. It's just been such a whirlwind of sociality since graduation, I flounder at keeping track. 

2) As of today, little puppy Lego is still available. I thought today (Boss Day!) would be decision day, but Big A asked what if Max and Lego (who will be Max's size when full grown) gang up on Huck who is tiny and old--that is giving me pause. Also, should I be taking all the puppies? I feel a bit greedy like the Melissa McCarthy character in Bridesmaids. (But then look how happy she looks!)

3) My mom and sis are coming at the end of the month!!! Or at least we have tickets, so that's progress.
_____________

1) My book was done. But I now have to make some serious edits because it's about trans politics, and the last few months have changed the landscape of trans rights significantly. The illustrator came through with some amazing work this week, and that is giving me the boost I need to complete this task.

2) I started the year wanting to get out a chapbook of poetry, and have made absolutely no progress. I have not even made any moves or submitted to any journals or anthologies. It's June. I should start. I'm glad it's summer and have some time to devote to this project.

3) Pic: Contributor copies of a poetry anthology I have a few poems in arrived today. Right now, it's available on Amazon, but I'm avoiding that site. It should be available directly from the press soon. All the poems in this anthology started here on the blog--most have undergone massive revisions except the one I wrote for Nu, which shows up with minor tweaks.

in the arrival lounge in my head

1) This puppy who has a heart-shaped blaze/bindi on his forehead and looks like an elf and I've been calling Legolas in my head (Lego for short). I need another baby to care for to keep me happy sane. Big A will do whatever I want. The human kids think it's a bad idea, but then they don't live here (Nu will be off to college in a couple of months). At reminded me that there's a long history of me making rash decisions and being saved by my kids. But I really want this baby. Look at him! He looks so sweet! He looks so sad! He needs me!

2) My mom and sister are coming for a two-week visit! Later this month or early in July! Tickets haven't been finalized yet. But obviously, I'm already excitedly planning out every day's itinerary. 

Both or neither of these things may happen... or not. But for now, my head is in such a happy anticipatory space.

Pic: Puppy photo from their website. 

Ughs <--> Ohs

The NWSA proposal EM and I submitted together didn't get accepted, but the one I submitted by myself did. I wanted to go with her!

I ran out of moisturizer while traveling with the kids and sampled Nu's Vanicream, and it's a dream. It may be the one thing Miranda July got right in All Fours. (That and the bit about dogs.)

I got my travel course evals--high marks, but very few comments. It would have been nice if some of the kind things people wrote in cards and emails were in the course evals--I'm up for assessment the year after next.

I got a copy of American Dirt by Jeanine Cummings (from a Goodwill) because a student (Hi, CW!) wanted to work on it and am reading it now. I expected to hate every minute of its appropriative voice... but have to say it's quite respectful and suspenseful.

A poetry anthology I have some poems in is now on Amazon and getting promoted heavily by the editors... and I'm worried my mom might see. I know she'll not like that I wrote about some of those topics.  

Pic: I watched this frog swim up to the little solar fountain like they were a kid in summer camp swimming up to the buoy in the middle of the lake. Their name is Popchyk. (Big A is reading The Goldfinch on my recommendation and we talk about the puppy more than any other character.)

not the post I expected to write on returning

I did not expect to be overcome by such crushing sadness today. I was happy to be headed home, but with the travel term and the wedding (two of my big summer things) safely in the past, all the things I've tried to set aside spilled over inside. 

I guess there were fissures all along if I look back. My strangely titled post about cousins, for instance, is likely because I was trying to suppress having read about Dr. Alaa al-Najjar, the Palestinian pediatrician who had to identify the charred bodies of nine of her children after an Israeli airstrike on her home that day. 

Another airstrike yesterday on a school being used as a refuge by families yesterday, and I think the fact that my tax dollars contributed to this and supports the systematic starvation of hundreds of thousands of people feels too much. All the donations we make personally will not help if there is no food to be bought. How have we--as humans, as Americans--let this genocide continue for 19 months? 

(There was also the minor stress of sharing a hotel room with my kids, one of whom continued to feel a bit under the weather. Did I wish they'd do a bit more? Yes. Did I ask? No. I need to get better about this.)

Anyway, it all came to a head when we were dropping At off at her place. I started crying, then At and Nu were also sharing sad snippets and crying in the car. Big A was calling to find out where we were, but I couldn't even pick up the calls. Then At suggested a walk around the block to clear our heads. So we walked for a while... we found a small park and Nu and At gave the spinners a go. 

Pic: Nu and At at the park. It made me smile to see my kids... acting like kids. 

"when the sky looks back at you"

Today was a free day in New Jersey, where we lived two decades ago. It doesn't look changed at all and I wish there was more time to go into NYC. I started messaging old friends for hanging out earlier in the week, and many were away for the long weekend, but I ended up setting up little dates with some.

But first breakfast with Daria! The conversation was nonstop, tripping over the many, many things we have in common--teaching, growing up in a different country, poetry... And things we don't--like Daria's love for camping. I loved how she described the night sky looking back at her when she is in her tent so much, it became the title of this post. Both Daria and I are spare writers--we rarely have posts that are pages long--but we chatted and laughed our way through 2-3 hours so easily. I really, really, really hope to meet Daria again. Maybe in Michigan? The Midwest? 

Another highlight was meeting PRS after years--we go back decades and she is likely the brainiest person I know and I love her so much. She is uncompromisingly honest, so when she says she is proud of me for building a home where my kids can chart "their comfort journeys home to themselves," it is something to truly treasure. She does not hesitate on calling me on my nonsense, and once I swallow my initial defensive responses, I can see where I can do better. PRS is writing full-time now--when we first met, she was doing something her parents wanted her to. I am so ready to see her long-form work in print. 

Pic: Beautiful Daria gave me this exqusite edition of Anna Akhmatova's poetry that I will treasure forever.

all dressed up

Pic: Cousin K's friend who spent Diwali with us last November took this picture of me, Nu, and At before the evening festivities started.

A parade, party, people, people I haven't seen in years, dancing... I was so happy. 

Nu was a bit under the weather (hence their mask), so I  thought we should leave early. But the kids convinced me that At would take Nu back to the hotel and I should stay and enjoy. 

And so I did.

"pediatricians are the best"

Pic: Cousin N took this picture of At and me with our fresh wedding henna. Earlier, when she saw At, she took one look and swept in for a big hug saying At looked beautiful. She didn't pause for questions about names, pronouns, histories... At beamed. There's such a sense of relief being with my kids in an accepting place. 

When I texted Big A about Cousin N, he texted back that pediatricians are the best. (Cousin N used to be At's pediatrician when At was a toddler, actually.)

And Cousin K, the bride, has just matched with the pediatrics residency program at New York presbyterian. She's very good with kids too and the reason why Nu, so notoriously averse to big gatherings, decided to do this trip--because toddler Nu was a big fan of Cousin K.

Three-worry Thursday

The kids and I leave for the wedding tomorrow... we fly in and out of Newark airport, which has been experiencing tech delays and disasters lately. Whomp-whomp. We have plenty of time on both sides of the big event, so I'm hopeful that things will be okay. "Promise me you'll come back," L said.

And I hope At will have a good time at the wedding. It's her first big family gathering since transitioning. I don't expect anyone will be mean--everyone was simply lovely when we shared Nu's transition at another wedding, and there are other trans and non-binary kids in the family, but At might be the first trans woman. It's not a big reveal--I've had heart-to-hearts with my cousins about it + At and the kid cousins share social media, but there are bound to be people who will be finding out for the first time. 

Pic: I caught sight of this pair of mallards in the pond this morning and was worried they might nest here, because I've done my reading. Baby ducklings would have been cute, but I wasn't sure if Max and Huck would be gentle with them, so I acted like a very noisy human and they decided to leave. 

catching up

Wow, did I really not expect to come back? The (human) kids and I are supposed to head to my Cousin K's wedding reception in NJ later this week. On the long ride back home from the airport, I realized that Big A had booked our plane tickets, but the wedding hotel was booked up when he'd tried to book us a room, and so I was going to call them the next morning and do it myself and then absolutely did not do that! Last night I realized that if we were going to go, we were going to have to be very lucky with hotel reservations. 

This morning, there were some rooms at a hotel nearby, so we're all set. 

Also, I didn't set up plans with NJ/NY people for the day after the reception, which looks free. 

And... I didn't finish inviting people to Nu's grad party next week. I should get on that too.

Today was just lovely. So much time with Max, Huck, and Nu (who conveniently had senior skip day). Then I watered the zillion plants. Most of them made it without me or water for two weeks! Some dry leaves, but nothing a few good soaks won't make up for. Only the the bleeding hearts and some herbs, gave up. Sounds like I'm throwing old-fashioned insults, but those are the literal plants that didn't make it. 

A long, lingering dinner catching up on all the little details of the past two weeks was balm for my soul. Also yummy--we combined, polished up, and then polished off two Thai dishes Big A had experimented with over the weekend.

Pic: Things abloom in London. I haven't taken a single photo since I got home.

this brat is back

Thanks for the well-wishes and messages of support, everyone! I'm back! Reentry was "uneventful." And so quick. Immigration did not even need our passports--one quick face camera scan, a green check, and you're through. The whole thing took less than two seconds. That's the good news. It's a bit unnerving how rapid and extensive the system is and how recognizable we are, though! 

Every time, I read the word "uneventful" in your comments--Nance, Lisa, Jenny, Nicole, Steph, Jeanie, and J--I felt like you were sending me a coded message of support. Ever since I shared that I was worried that my social media alignment might make things sticky for me at immigration, you all have been so kind about sending good wishes. It's a sign of the times, I suppose, that no one thought I was overreacting. And in a way that escalated my anxiety, because I could see it wasn't all in my head. Even three months ago, most people wouldn't have considered my fears legitimate. Engie was quite positive I'd be ok, and I'm glad she was right. 

Anyway, I made it through with a watermelon charm hanging off my backpack, my kuffiyeh and other Palestinian solidarity materials in my suitcase, and without scrubbing my social media. It's part of my resolve to be true to myself, not to "obey in advance," and to participate in "good trouble" when I can. 

Pic: On that note, I headed for the Palestinian solidarity march yesterday (half a million strong, by some accounts) and got this photo of Palestinian flags waving under the blue sky and Big Ben's tower. + I met up with someone I met online back in October when we were being onboarded as instructors to teach students in Gaza. KK was just as lovely in person and we had a nice chat as we marched for close to three hours.

the last supper

There are thirteen of us at the table. But just our awesome, regular selves. (No Jesuses or Judases.)

Headed for home come morning! At least half the class has journaled about not being ready to head home. Not me though.

I was both right to be worried about the tornado yesterday, and judging from the photos of the devastation I've been seeing, I wasn't nearly worried enough! I did tell Big A that I thought he should call in back-up and go home to check on the kids, but he talked me down. And I quote: "It’s inconceivable that our house alone was hit by a tornado without damage to any other structures. Meaning if Nu was under rubble EMS would already be on our street." And later, "I have multiple sick patients right now and multiple procedures….I can’t leave anytime soon regardless." Plenty of room for a fight, but I'm just glad everyone is alright.

Pic: A lucky restaurant find--a "food hall" with a variety of cuisines. So perfectly in keeping with our "cosmopolitan" theme.

Immigrant Mom Tours

I didn't increase the course fee for this travel course, because we had a surplus in 2023 (it's every other year). But gosh, it has been a challenge with the way the dollar is doing and things generally being more expensive in the U.K. anyway and because of Brexit.

Things worked out because I booked and arranged every bit of this trip myself to stay within budget, comparison shopping for the best prices like the immigrant mom I am. Ironically, Big A does all the other travel arrangements in my life, so I don't have a ton of experience. I'm so glad all our reservations worked! 

Today we used our final reservation to head out to St. Martin in the Fields to hear Edward Picton-Tuberville and Harriet Burns in concert.  The acoustics were ethereal, the performers were excellent, + they were so young, they gave me Sally Rooney vibes. 

A bit of drama in the morning as there'd been a tornado warning back home, and Nu had gone to the basement with Max and Huck after Big A had headed off to work. And then we lost touch with Nu, and I began imagining my babies were trapped under a pile of rubble. It was the middle of the night, and we couldn't rouse At or any of our neighbors, so I finally called the police station for a wellness check. I probably got on their nerves by telling them repeatedly that Max and Huck would be noisy because they would be taken by surprise. But IYKYK, I guess. I did not want my babies to become a part of the 10,000 pet dogs U.S. police officers shoot every year. (Everyone was fine. We'd lost power and Nu had fallen asleep--it was the middle of the night, after all.)

Pic: We couldn't get near Trafalgar Square on the day we did the London tour because it was VE Day and there was a parade. But I love Landseer's lions, probably because they look like dogs, and wanted a photo of the class with one. I didn't want to be in the picture because I didn't want to pass my germs on. But people insisted, so here I am skulking, looking like a Darth Vader wannabe. I'm actually smiling behind my mask!

I wonder what At's Pre-K teacher thought

I dosed up on Lemsip (which is like Theraflu, but works better) and we headed out to Oxford for another day of lectures with Robert J.C. Young, who had been my professor and is a Fellow of Wadham College. 

I'm glad we didn't cancel. 

I thought the room he'd booked for us at Wadham--the Cecil Day Lewis Room--was a lucky coincidence. But as he told my students, he booked it precisely because back when I was there, that was where we had our seminars. (Cecil Day Lewis the poet is the father of Daniel Day Lewis the actor!)

I had to tell my students the funny story about when I took At to one of Robert's parties in NYC (after he'd moved to NYU). Hoping for good behavior, I'd told five-year-old At who came with me that it was for work (as it was!). There were a lot of British and European folks at the party, so there were a lot of those greetings where you hug and then kiss on both cheeks. Lo and behold, later that week when going through At's schoolwork, I came across this gem: "My mom went to work and kissed everybody." I always wonder what At's teacher thought of that.

Pic: The class with Robert J.C. Young (and C. Day Lewis on the wall)

"Boo, you 'ho"

I think I'm sick. 

Of course, the correct response to that (on our family chat anyway) would be "Boo, you 'ho" (without the hard "r"). 

It could be the pollen merrily floating around. I've dosed myself liberally with Lemsip and am currently loopier than ever.

Pic: Our picnic at Hyde Park today. People declaiming from set Hyde Park pieces (Orwell, Shaw, Marx, C.L.R. James, William Morris) or topics they're passionate about (The Globe's R&J, Bram Stoker's Dracula, guns in general.)

my real life is waiting

I can count on the fingers of one hand the days before we're scheduled to head for home! I'm trying to stay in the moment, but home is definitely calling. London looks like a vacation, but it's actually a 24-7 gig.

I miss Max, Huckie, Nu, At, and Big A fiercely. Pictures of their dinners together or Max asleep under furniture with just his tail poking out can make me happy... or cry.

And I can't wait to get back to routine. I've lost touch with my Duolingo, I keep forgetting to take my vitamins, my hair feels so different...

Things to do after arrival are beginning to pile up: Committee meetings, writing deadlines, final grades... Also: watering my zillion plants, Nu's graduation party, traveling to my baby cousin's wedding reception in NJ.

Proposal reviews for NWSA are due this Saturday, so I worked on those for a while. I'm almost halfway done and beginning to feel less panicky about being done in time.

Pic: Getting to tour Bloomsbury with Cindy and Mike was fantastic. Here we're at the bust of Rabindranath Tagore. The piece that C&M declaimed was the same piece I'd assigned for our reading this morning, so that was extra cool.