Huck's bloodwork came back within the normal range! I was so nervous to pick up the call from the vet, but it was ok in the end.
(Scout and Huck had been taking monthly pills--one for flea and tick protection and another for heartworm prevention for years. Max, however, hates meds and Huck learned his bad behavior and had started spitting out meds too. We've now switched to a yearly injection for heartworm and monthly application for flea/tick--you apply the liquid along the spine and it absorbs into their systems, apparently. Huckie was probably exposed in that little gap of two weeks between spitting out her meds and the new prescription. Kids! Sigh.)
I continue to be sad. I continue to do the things that need doing. We finished up dorm shopping for Nu today. They said a few things that felt dismissive and instead of just taking it in stride as one does, I sort of shut down and feel like I ruined their day. I wish I could redo today.
I wish I could redo a lot of stuff, actually. A fresh start as my kids loved to say.
Pic: A blue heron in the Red Cedar River from my walk yesterday.
________________________________
for after all, I came without my body
for SLE, 1996-2025, Seattle
I keep going back in the darkness
to stand on the bridge together
a bit too close... for comfort
not too proud to tell you
I'm afraid, I can't swim
your laughter is silent
as if the seagulls
made off with it
your troubled hand
squeezes mine hard
messages the sadness--
of our long stories, short lives
and you tell me not to be scared
it's such a long way down, you say
it'll be over before we know it--I see
in a moment--how to be free of my body
______________________________________
Note: I have a lot of conversations with SLE in my head now that I can't have them with her. After she broke up with At, I wanted to reach out, but decided to wait a few weeks because I didn't want to seem disloyal to At. Then she was gone before those weeks were up. I wonder what it might have been like if we'd talked.
Also, four people in Gaza have told me in the last couple of days that they cannot find any food to buy even with donations--I fear that they are also slipping away.
5 comments:
It's heartbreaking about SLE, but in my experience the decision is already made, so even if you could go back in time, it likely would not have changed anything. And to be honest I would have been the same way - my first loyalty would be to my child. It's hard though, it's hard not to wish for a redo button. But the best we can do is start fresh every day. Right? There's nothing for it but to move forward, heartbreaking though it may be. There are always questions when there is such a tragedy, and although I don't know the details, I do know that your heart is kind and loving.
On another note - I'm happy Huck is well!
Oh Maya, don't we all wish we had a reset button? And yet, in those circumstances, I would have been first with At. And we can't go back, can we? Still, this pulls at my heart. Your pain, At's, SLE's. So much sadness, hurt and loss. You will be sad and sad for a long while. Grief is that way. We simply must respect it, not deny it. And your poem is so very moving. Meanwhile, three cheers for Huck. Nice to have some good news. (And I've never seen a heron on the Red Cedar. Must be a cousin of Harry, who has been sorely missing this year!)
The regrets sound hard, but you did what seemed best at the time and that's all you can ever do. Love the hourglass shape of the poem.
Gaza continues to break my heart every day.
I'm glad your pup is fine.
The second stanza of this is so poignant. The line "of our long stories, short lives" is beautiful and huge. What a gorgeous and immense concept perfectly stated. Wow.
Rick and I feel as if we are in a constant state of mourning for Gaza. How is this continuing with the world witnessing it every day?
Well- you're human. You're processing a lot right now, so don't feel bad about "ruining" the day for you and Nu. It's so easy to look back and regret acting a certain way with our kids, but then maybe it's good for them to realize- Oh, if I'm dismissive, than people might get upset and shut down.
Also, I'm sure it's painful to look back and regret not reaching out to SLE. I like Nicole's comment- there's nothing to do but move forward now. Hugs... and glad Huck is okay!
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