Thursday, June 26, 2025

to be able to see clearly

The day started with Jim Obergefell's voice on the radio to celebrate 10 years of marriage equality (how nice that it seems like longer!) and a long chat with bestie KB on her way to work. 

So it should have been a good day. 

But something KB told me kept haunting me. Apparently, an erstwhile colleague has been charged with sexually abusing a student. I've had this experience before where someone, who seemed like a good person and was exceedingly kind to me, turned out to have been abusive to the young people in his care. How completely unforgivable. And how sad, disturbing, and disappointing that I wasn't able to see it at the time and intervene before any harm was done. 

Pic: I can buy myself flowers... I  bought some water hyacinths and water lilies at Preuss Pets today (where I took this photo). Apparently, I can welcome veritable crowds to parties all year round without worrying about how the house looks, but I want things to look really spiffy for my mom and sis! (I also bought two lamps!)

18 comments:

Nicole said...

Oh, how awful. I learned very recently that (how do I keep this private, I need to change details) two men who are my husband's age were abused by the priest at their church when they were young boys and acolytes at that church. This was back in the 70s-80s. The thought that my husband missed this because he was never an acolyte, well, it's a bit of a close miss. It takes my breath away, how terrible people can be to children.

Gillian said...

Take care.

Jenny said...

Yeah, that is sad. My first thought always is that this person has been charged- we don't know the details yet (sadly I think most of these accusations do turn out to be true).
You want things to look spiffy because you're excited about the upcoming visit- I get it!

StephLove said...

I'm sorry about the disturbing news. I have a near miss similar to Nicole's. We found out much later that the orthodontist that my sister and I went to had been molesting some of his female patients for years. Never us, but still... It's very common unfortunately.

Life of a Doctor's Wife said...

It is so deeply disturbing to come up against the reality that you can never fully know a person. To be reminded that sometimes our proximity to cruelty and evil is much closer than we think. I'm so sorry you've had these experiences; what a betrayal of what you thought was true.

Water hyacinths and water lilies sound beautiful and I understand the urge to make things perfect for your mom. For me, it's an anxiety -- but simultaneously, it's a way to honor how much she means to me.

Anonymous said...

Oh this news heart my heart. And also, Maya, NONE of that is your fault. None.

You care big and deeply. This is a gift that makes the world better. But you are also human & your limits are welcomed and celebrated, too. ❤️

-Steph

J said...

I absolutely hate learning things like this, and especially how often it happens. In my family, there is no such thing as a good step-father. UGH.

EXCITING about your mom and sister! I would want to spruce up too! I remember my mom fretting hours before my Grandma came to town to visit, “How am I going to get a lawn in so the yard looks nice?” HA!

Nance said...

News like this is alarming and so deeply disappointing. I cannot tell you how often I heard of things like this about former colleagues and even students. It sometimes makes me question my own ability to judge a person's character. And to be angry that there is no fine filter to keep them out of education or to identify them to get them the help/guidance/? they need.

I'm so sorry, my friend.

Yet look at the beauty of your pond and its inhabitants! I am jealous of your fish, and now your lilies. We lost all our lilies last year to some sort of ick, and we've yet to get new ones. And Rick and Sam have reminded me of all my oaths to never get fish again. Sigh.

It's almost time for your visitors! I just know you'll all have the most wonderful time together.

maya said...

That horror and the near brush with it--the stuff of nightmares, Nicole. I hope everyone is getting the help they need.

maya said...

Thank you.

maya said...

Thanks Jenny. Yes, sadly it's almost always true because no one goes through reporting these things (its own form of torture) for fun. If anything, they say these crimes are underreported.

maya said...

Steph, Yes--it does make you think about all the lucky escapes. I sort of hate that it is considered ordinary.

maya said...

I'm kind of blown away by your insights, Suzanne. It's true that my "proximity" bothers me, the "betrayal" of my truth.

And also, YES...it is a "way to honor" how much they mean to me. You "therapied" me with this comment!

maya said...

Aw, dear Steph! I don't blame myself that way, but I do feel I was lulled into a false sense of carelessness by my colleague's niceness (the famous person's misdeeds happened decades ago when I was a child myself).

What if I hadn't been telling the students we had in common what a lovely person he was--would they have felt safer in sharing some inconsistencies that I could confronted him with and headed off the whole incident? Moot at this point, probably. (But, you know, monkey brain.)

maya said...

The end of that first paragraph, J! UGH!! Why why why are guys like that? It's almost always guys. And then they have the gall to write about stepmothers in fairytales.

And oh, how I love your mom! Reading your comment helped me understand that I think part of it is that my mom would be so happy FOR ME if things were spiffy :).

maya said...

Nance--your comment made me think. Yes, this is not the absolute first time I've heard something like this about a colleague. But it is the first time it is about a colleague I believed to be a genuinely good and kind person. And there are plenty of things I would sympathize with people on--shoplifting, driving-related crimes, even manslaughter... but not this. Never this.

And yes--there should be a filter to keep people like this from flocking to education to prey on students.

Nance! That is NOT my pond! It's the pet store's pond! I would not be able to take care of fish... It would freak me out. We've had some fish fatalities in my children's childhoods that still weigh heavily on me.

I'm so sorry about your water lilies... they were expensive here. I got a bunch of hyacinths, but just two lilies and hope they make it for a few years.

Jeanie said...

That's very disturbing, particularly since you felt the colleague was a kind, decent person. And you would think that ethics aside, after everything that went on at MSU with Nasser a few years ago, people would be really careful, which shows a degree of arrogance, perhaps. I think we feel cheated when someone we respect does something so horrendous. I'm so sorry. I can't wait to hear about your mom/sister's visit.

maya said...

Jeanie, This is only coming to light because, as in the Nasser case, the student is suing the college for negligence. (Obviously, I was wrong about my colleague... )

"in the end I want my heart to be covered in stretch marks"

While my sister spoke to me over the telephone, I spied a smudge on the kitchen counter and assiduously swiped at it clockwise and anti-cloc...