Thursday, November 19, 2020

Within Without

Please hold my head as gently 

as a bomb labeled 'headache'

knowing the earth is waiting

feeding time under the loam


who is it who knocked on the door (we didn't hear)

who is it who wants to come in (we can't really see)


howling into the cusp, dreams away from disaster

learning the circuitry of sadness, the lineage of loss


For in a different world 

I lost many months ago

my tongue a tombstone

fingers clawing worms


Wednesday, November 18, 2020

Full

My babies are beautiful. 

(These human babies and also the two puppy babies asking for scraps by my side.)

Tuesday, November 17, 2020

At's Home


It's a school night and Nu had to head to bed at 9, but Scout and Huck (and Big A and I) gave At a proper bonkers welcome when he got home from college. (We'd asked him to come home last week when the number of active cases had spiked on campus, so he tied up a few organizing loose ends and agreeably headed back.)

Our governor has mandated no in-person classes from tomorrow as part of our three-week "pause" anyway. 

The one thing the pandemic has given me is bonus time with my first-born. And also, somehow--the time and desire to disappear into a long, hot bath.

Monday, November 16, 2020

Auspice


They tell me time is a thief 

I plant surviving memories

for there is no cure for life

as there are no answers.


There is history to my grief

geography too--I wear what 

was done to me--uncertainty, 

a sadness, the calls to flood. 


Someone--carry my disbelief, 

it is heavy as a civilization.

I read skies to déjà vu myself 

greying--sometimes--silvered.


Sunday, November 15, 2020

Ill


I don't know what's left to say:

here's pain; here's my armor

still songs beat in my heart

return me to myself, kids.


I have become a ghost; I go;

I was gone for a generation

until tears filled my prayers

swam into years of sky.


Return me to myself, kids,

I belong to a god who has 

never even once killed me

the press of axe is only ice. 


When surrender lies inside me 

I... will shatter--into your accents

your stories, curious superstitions.

For you, I will... love unfinished. 


Saturday, November 14, 2020

A Sweet Diwali

Happy Diwali! Sweetness and light from our home to yours!

***

I usually buy sweets at the Indian store for Diwali (or some years it has been a bar of chocolate or an assortment of fruit), but this year I watched a few Pinterest videos and made my own versions of coconut ladoo and besan ladoo. 2020 just seemed to call out for some extra effort. 

We're a difficult family to make sweets for--At is sweet averse and allergic to all nutty things; Nu can eat some nuts; Scout and Huck can't eat raisins and sultanas; and Big A won't eat anything too sweet.  

I added pumpkin seeds, dried apricots, and dried cranberries to the coconut ladoo and almonds and pistachios to the besan ladoo (and given that besan is chickpea flour, that one must be pretty high in protein!). In this Diwali iteration, At could theoretically eat the coconut ones, Nu will eat both, and I can safely share bites with Scout and Huck without hurting them (as I subbed out the raisins). Big A may still not like/eat them.

We've packed boxes for LB, TB, BS, and EM, and sent proud pictures to every family chat.