hiding in plain sight

At the lovely dinner party this evening, no one spoke of Gaza although I know that every single person at the table is agonizing about it, whether because we've been talking about it (Big A, Nu, LB, and TB) or because I know from their socials how upset they are (AH, KG, LV). It's like we have a disease and everyone knows about it, but we have to bravely carry on without discussing it at the dinner table. I played along beautifully.

I was all full of effing holiday cheer in my Rudoph the reindeer overalls with the jingly red nose. And every time someone remarked on it, I was hard pressed not to sing this song. 

Because that would also be inappropriate for this group--some of whom I know from work. Something very much on my mind, because after years at this point, last night I dreamt about the person I brought a Title IX case against. No current students remember him probably--he was asked to leave on the cusp of the pandemic--but in my dream an alumnus visiting the department was curious as to why there was no picture of the abuser in the faculty "gallery." I let it go on for a while, and when the alumnus asked again, I burst out: "Because he was a serial abuser. We don't have his picture up because he abused people." 

And then my dream veered off into a seaplane ride and since the only time I've been on one was near Seattle, that's how it looked. And the only point of the ride was to ooh and aah over some baroque Christmas decorations visible from the air. 

Speaking of which, I am almost ready for Christmas! In fact, I was almost ready last week, but I wasn't happy with the way I'd wrapped some presents, so I went in and did them all over again. No one will notice except for me. But it kinda makes sense to me. I'm so excited to give people their presents.

Pic: A blue tit (I think?) hides among the red winterberries along the Red Cedar. Walk with L. 

AJLT

And just like that, it's exam week: I wish I could tell my student people to take deep breaths. Lots of last-minute anxiety, so the days are long, but overall a sense of satisfaction and good endings.

It was the kind of day where I constantly pivoted like a dancer: from sharing the first years' sense of accomplishment in the morning (their first semester at college down, look at the posters they made!) to making notes as students presented on projects they've been working on for six weeks (and marveling at their insights and how skilled they are at encouraging each other!) to a discussion with the college's board of trustees in the early evening (just the department chair and me, we thought it went well). 

That last task reminded me that someone put me on a list of nominees for the MSU board of trustees. When I demurred, EM said (referring to the spate of Title IX missteps at MSU since Larry Nassar) I was totally worthy because at the very least I wouldn't sexually harass anyone. Well, in that case... 

Pic: Amaryllis are blooming in my tea garden. Time to go start the narcissi so they'll be in bloom by Christmas (I say, hopefully).

the Hill

Terrific first day of NWSA in Minneapolis! I feel like we've been working on getting it off the ground for nearly a whole year and it's such a thrill to see it take off. At this point, this fabulous convention has momentum and doesn't even need me... it's quite a thrill. 

Got to see both Anita Hill and Angela Davis today. The Anita Hill conversation was sobering (she has no remaining faith that SCOTUS will rule fairly). It also made me think about coming to political consciousness with the events of 1990-91 and how it must feel to have a lifetime of wonderful work always evaluated in the light of one's sexual harassment. 

At the book signing, I wanted to thank her for being a role model for people everywhere and how much her example guided me through my own Title IX mess, but the line moved too quickly. Thank you, Prof. Hill. 

Pic: Beverly Guy-Sheftall and Anita Hill in conversation. 

While We Wait

The longer our Title IX people take to wrap up the case, the closer I am to feeling that things are going wrong, that people misbelieve me, he will be back on campus, and even more empowered now, and on and on.

I need to take a deep breath and focus on all that is lovely in life.

"I like all cake, silly!"

It's been a tough week (we have no word on our Title IX thing and teaching every weekday is oddly draining although I'm still teaching just three classes). I'd been craving cake (openly--like over dinner and on family chat) and Big A, our resident baker, asked what kind I wanted--to which I responded "I like all cake, silly!"

Today I came home to this beauty--simultaneously hearty and delicate and filled with pistachios and raspberries.

"Early" Morning Run

Big A and I took off at 9:30, so not early, at all... but the kids were all still asleep when we came back at 10:30... so at least morning run?

And somewhere in there when I needed to catch my breath, we found these mallards just chilling on a patch of river ice. Heh... chilling.

I had hoped to hear a decision from the Title IX office this week, but we got nothing. I'm worried this is going to drag on into next year.

A sense of an ending

I guess I should be relieved the investigators found that the Title IX complaint I'd participated in was more than valid. But reading through the 70+-page report, I relived so much of that nonsense all over again, learned how it was even more awful than I had suspected it was, and am already beginning to dread the hearing and appeals processes that are to follow.

Tough Mother

I kept thinking back to our weekend walk today.

I had SIX meetings at school, and wouldn't get back until really, really late. The first meeting was the Title IX interview and I was hoping it wouldn't drown me in all the fear and sadness talking about the bullying brings up.

I think I did ok at the other meetings. It helped that I started and ended the day with CF's support and had JG's hugs to look forward to in the afternoon.

I get by with a lot of help from my friends.

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I Did This! (1)

Somehow I had never mown a yard.... Big A set me up, and... voila! (I plan to finish the rest tomorrow, but I'm awfully proud of that demarcating line today.) Mowing with headphones in (I didn't even make it out of my Prince playlist!), gave me some time to process the difficult conversation with our Title IX coordinator too.

       Before we moved here, we loved that there was no "lawn," but we do need an occasional mow down in the summer to keep it safe for the puppies.

I did it! I am certifiably grownup!

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