(long)winded

My mom told me that her dad told her that Napoleon Bonaparte could will himself to wake at whatever time he wanted to by repeating the time firmly to himself before he went to bed. I don't know why this handy knack needs to come prefaced by Bonaparte because I would guess that most people (like me) don't particularly want to conquer swathes of Europe or be imprisoned. (Also, I just googled and can't find anything that supports this factoid. What did my early-twentieth-century grandfather in India know that the rest of the world doesn't?!? Ha.)

For the most part I can will myself to wake when I want to too. I'm up 5-ish most days, but I can make myself wake up whenever it is that travel or work necessitate. I always still set an alarm as a backup though.

Anyway, all of this to say, I'm not setting an alarm tonight and I'll wake up when I wake up. I do have an orientation to run tomorrow, but it only starts in the afternoon. The first week back after summer and sabbatical has been... a lot.

Pic: Fuzzy parking lot sunset clouds. 

I got the cider and then I cried

I started the day with a good cry because my bestie KB left today. She's going to MN to be closer to her parents, and this will be good for her professionally, and it all makes sense, and we even have plans for November... but... it still hurts.

I grabbed some doughnuts and cider for her road trip up north a couple of hours before I was due to teach, and we chatted and cried and commiserated about all the stuff happening to us/around us. And then we were laughing again until she said something about being "long gone" in response to something and I started weeping again.

I won't post our tear-stained 'ussie', but I want to remember happier times and our long walks on the bike path.

Pic: KB's tweet which was followed by some sappy E.T. references from both of us.

Say "ah"

Quick visit to the doc for a second series of shots for Scout and Huck. They were so excited to be in the exam room squeaking and panting, they kind of took my mind off earlier this morning... 

...which was full of durm and strang with Nu just refusing to go to school. (Not asking, plain refusing.) When I called the school, they advised me to call the police, and at that point I just gave up. I'm not sure what good could come of calling the police on a trans kid. I'm so out of my depth over here.

#1

It was raining when Nu and I left home this morning. 

And it rained most of my way to work (free car wash!).

By the time I got to campus: blue skies. 

May this be an omen of the term to come.

Six on a Sunday

*     Pic: Just a silly picture Nu and I took the other day. We like squirrels. And we like how this one seems to have claimed a local church. 

*     Speaking of church--UU was one of our first stops  today. Nu is helping in the little kids' room instead of doing R.E. with his own set and liking it. Also, the MI Lieutenant Governor was at the service and everyone waved to him. Singing has been back for a while, and I'm loving it.

*     Between meeting CF (massage) and BES (dinner prep) and EM (birthday celebration) in person this weekend and  marathon text threads and FaceTimes with the cousins, fam, and friends--It was a rather intense social weekend.

*     On the other hand, I did a TON of work today with new students. It's a Sunday, but then it's the start of the semester and they're new and seemed a bit lost, so... 

*     All the syllabuses and diagnostics for tomorrow are uploaded on Canvas. So there's nothing left to do but get some sleep, hope the documents stay stable, and look forward to tomorrow with that classic first-day-combination of jittery excitement and flustery edginess. 

*     Bye-bye sabbatical!

currents

then

a sunflower bee buffet--its energy

as if today's withdrawn into destiny

exists just to accumulate satisfaction

when

birds find in flinging into air

they freshly configure the familiar

into an avowal of joy and experience 

and 

I note the proximity of strangers

--companion stars surging again 

in windows left longing for dawn

que sera, sera

I didn't realize how much the Chipotle union election was weighing on me until I woke up this morning with the worry lifted off me. I'm so happy... and relieved it went well. I don't know how I would have begun to console At and all those other young people, if things hadn't gone right. 

Some tangential stuff has been so sweet... from colleagues messaging to say they heard At on NPR; his old YDSA colleagues chuffed with success; my family, friends, and students trying to connect this to me, etc.

So a day of relief. But my body has been tense and tired for a long time. Last week, I'd booked a massage for myself for today. I remember booking it and wondering what state of mind I'd be in when I got to go in: Would I be happy? Would I be crushed? And here's what I said to myself: Whatever will be, will be; I'll need this either way.

My kids' teachers would often make them write letters to their future selves--this massage felt like a present from my past self. 

Pic: The offering I took to the temple the day before the election.

P.S. It seems I jumped the gun on International Dogs' Day--it was today not the day before yesterday.

HUGE exhale; halellujah

At and his coworkers did it! They are now the first unionized Chipotle (and possibly first labor union at a fast food restaurant). So proud of this very young crew for accomplishing something so historic and moving the needle in the direction of solidarity and justice. 

We've all been holding our breaths because At really poured himself into this effort and sacrificed a lot. (We've all missed him for months at this point as he worked himself ragged with food service, unionizing, and DSA leadership.) So I'm so glad this thing that is good for the world happened AND I'm happy that At's dream came true. 

I'm still catching up to all the media attention this is getting with Bernie Sanders tweeting about it and At quoted as "union organizer" in this Washington Post article. 

(Just last year I was worried about his "impromptu gap year;" he's done more than I have in any one year.)

dogged

I heard today is "National Dog's Day." Happy Scout and Huckie Day! 

I'm not sure if these guys know they're dogs, and I'm guilty of treating them like eternal toddlers, but I'm always happy to celebrate everything. (I used to get At and Nu those "Every Day is a Holiday" calendars for a few years, and there were some pretty wacky celebrations for a while.)

Big A sent me a heads up this morning that there's a mysterious illness that has killed dozens of dogs in Michigan. Turns out it's a parvovirus. Usually my babies are fairly isolated from other doggies, but I'm taking them to the veterinarian tomorrow for their shots, and that's making me anxious. 

(I'm also anxious about attending opening convocation tomorrow, meeting my new first-year advisees, and making it back in time to take S and H to their doc on time.)

Day #1 Notes

Nu woke up early and was ready for school in plenty of time. But still too nervy to take a formal "first day of school" pic, so this is what I got as he headed for the school bus. (Pic okayed by Nu.) I guess we're out of practice; Nu napped for hours after getting back from a 4-hour school half-day.

It was a busy work day for me made passable by good work friends and their side chats, emails, calls, and also genius gifs and memes they made themselves. 

At the end of the day, it was nice to hang out out with Big A (even if only on Portal) and he was happy to find and open up his Boss Day present (which I'd hidden in a cabinet while we were in MKE). Scout and Huck predictably got excited for treats when they heard Nu and me sing the "Boss Day Song" (which is just the regular "Happy Birthday" repurposed). I think they're beginning to recognize Big A's voice on the Portal and think Dada "lives in a box now." Or at least that's the understanding we've assigned to them.

And finally, I have a new CASA case with four children--it sounds daunting and difficult to take on at this moment... but I keep thinking how much more difficult for the kids themselves... And so I will.

just another manic Monday

This picture was shared on the college's social media, so I suppose it's ok to share. I was going to joke about looking for me on the far left in this picture... but I can actually espy myself (it helps that I'm so brown and am wearing a mask).  

No one at work said a thing about my facial piercings, which I took as a sign that people either didn't notice it or were too freaked out by it. I miss besties KB, JG, CF being at work because they would totally have blurted out questions... and it would be fun coming from them.

Long day: lots of new info and expectations for the upcoming year + some initial prep for a travel course over boxed lunches with CC.

Then I took care of my babies. Nu wanted to spend a couple of hours at the mall with a friend (I counted mall-walking as exercise today); drove to At's Chipotle to morale boost the unionizing crew with some old-fashioned conversation (all the "Union Strong!" orders I'd been placing via the app for $1.67 chips kept showing up with my name on it--unsure of that's a glitch or corporate interference); and now I'm curled up with Scout and Huck. Scout just did his happy sigh, so all is right with the world in this moment.

s/unlit

In the midst of mounting excitement about the start of the new school year, it was a shock to hear two people who'd been at the college died unexpectedly on Monday. I didn't know either of them very well, but I knew of them; I feel their loss. 

Tall T, a student who graduated about five years ago was a basketball star and while I never saw him play, I knew him from his work in the admissions office, met him when he accompanied new students to my office, and appreciated how he helped me troubleshoot software problems more than once. I am particularly grateful for the way he tried to reassure me that these problems happen to everyone. I can see his smile as he says we shouldn't worry about it to me and the students we were assisting. I hadn't seen him in a few years, and it makes me sad that now I never will. I'm sad his smile--that used to dawn slowly, indulgently--is no longer in this world somewhere...

J worked in the janitorial department--I don't think I ever met her, but her four kids go to college here and E, her oldest, was in my environmental literature class. I remember J through the concern E had for the chemicals her mother was exposed to on a daily basis. So this is a tenuous connection, but that's how I met her--through E's words; that's how I held her in my head, my heart, and classroom. 

I'm grieving for T and J and their families. Death is so weird in its finality... and yet we're such a small community that every person presence reverberates in us all. 

Pic: Huge and droopy sunflower

only connect

so open that door 

or open this book

I open my mouth 

wait for an answer 

                           ...answer always already  

                           the knocking of my heart

                            promises folding around  

                             surrounding me like love

                                                               ...love you, for I love you 

                                                                 and I know how I love you

                                                               every one of you, I know you

                                                               can remind me of no one else 

Pic: Picnic at KV's... so many generations of women and children. I appreciated this lovely summer afternoon with Nu: destressing, snacking, reconnecting, and cuddling babies. (It was especially welcome after an all-morning, in-person meeting for our departmental re-visioning.)

Easy like Sunday...

A sweet, fulfilling, and unhurried day from UU in the morning to yoga in the evening. Weekend chores completed, some prep for the weekday started. 

Some things didn't happen--Pride got rained out on Saturday, grocery shopping didn't happen today... we did get Insomnia Cookies delivered both days though 🙃.

My sense of content is overlaid by the knowledge that there's a train ticket back to Milwaukee on Big A's phone for tomorrow.

And that Nu and I start school next week. I should remember to do weekends like this when we're back. 

Pic: (secular) stained glass at UU Lansing. 

Wordle to the rescue

 Wordle scores are really worth nothing, but somehow they turned out to be super important to me this summer. 

This summer has been a time of disruption: Big A's new job in a different state (WI since June-July); Nu's health (ER in May and June, outpatient all July); stalled house and roof repairs (since May and ongoing). I want to acknowledge how these big things led to lots of secondary issues: I got no significant writing done, my garden and garden plans were obliterated, bills are mounting, ditto anxiety, and on and on. 

Wordle to the rescue. Turns out that at least once a day, I can control and solve something. And Big A and I use the same starter word, so there's an unofficial competition. I currently hold the family crown for solves in the least number of moves--solving over a hundred games on the third move. I see my stats and give myself a moment of applause.

wild as me

night sticks in my throat

growling, waits to see 

what we pounce on next

life slips by in a canopy 

of breath, exhaling time

...scattering new stories

I stay only to praise this:

asking for my memories

speaking soft mysteries

for questions that arrive

expectant and curving, 

 muscular as a horizon 

Pic: Wildflower patch, MSU

selective

I took this picture of three generations of Big A's side of the family today. Perhaps the only picture of these three together we'll get this year as Grandpa G heads back to NC for the rest of the year.

Would you believe I made them pose for me in a strip mall parking lot after lunch at Grand Traverse Pie Company?

It kind of a looks like they're in a garden to me. I guess that's my super power? Haha.

And I guess the important thing is that we found time to make this happen despite everyone's crazy end-of summer and vacation schedules.

adult-child

In my head At may be a baby/toddler/kid/young adult... but in actuality, he's 23; an adult. And  relationally speaking, also my child. Navigating being loving and supportive without being intrusive has been something I've been conscious of working on for a while now. 

Parenthood's most persistent fear has been about losing my kids (to disaster/ill health). So it was horrifying to read about another take on this loss in the pull quote on this article about parent-child estrangement in The Atlantic: "you can be a conscientious parent and your kid may still want nothing to do with you when they’re older." 

The article then goes on to say that there are usually reasons for parent-child estrangement even if it has to do with how the parent and the child see the past differently. 

Very yikes. A cautionary tale, I guess, but what can anyone do about the past anyway?

Pic: Eyde Woods; The Red Cedar River muddy post rain.

puppy pile

One of the grownups at the get together today was allergic to dogs, so Scout and Huckie had to stay in their room. 

Three of the little ones decided to stay in there with them because "puppies shouldn't be in timeout by themselves." 

(Not pictured: my big kids, At and Nu, who are around somewhere.)

unexpected sweetness

When we dropped Big A off at the train station the other day, I noticed a huge new sports complex on Service Rd., so I took L and Nu to see it on this morning's walk.  

Except--by the time we marveled over how quickly the complex had gone up and commiserated over how we wouldn't be able to traipse over the fields as a shortcut as we used to--there was a very long and slow train stuck on the tracks blocking our way home. 

Thankfully, Nu suggested we go to Chapelure, and thankfully, I carry a credit card on the little pocket on my phone so we did. Coffee for L, tea for me, a three-course breakfast for Nu, a chance to sit on the patio and pretend we were in Paris (Nu had a croissant), and it was an unexpected treat on an ordinary Friday morning.

Pic: When LB and TB came over for dinner, they brought this arrangement of flowers from their garden. It's arranged in a sundae glass and has two straws it it. So cute!