belated birthday

It's still technically May 

and we get to celebrate At's 27th!

I love how pretty and happy she looks <3 

 

THIS is still happening

I got tagged about the award on FB, and now everyone I know there thinks I'm verging on sainthood.

So embarrassing!

Oy Vetch

Yesterday I finished Sigrid Nunez's The Vulnerables in which after joking about how there are no ugly flower names people can name their kids, the protagonist nicknames a pandemic roommate with whom she is saddled "Vetch" (as in the weed).

Later in the day, trans friends talked another friend out of cosplaying a Harry Potter character. The friend said she wanted to "signal to people that I love the character, but reject JKR." And trans friends online said that every bit of visibility adds to JKR's support and coffers and that anyone engaging with the Harry Potter universe is tone deaf and ignorant at best and violently transphobic at worst. And asked how love of a fictional character could matter more than the real people she loved being harmed by JKR. Fair point. (This in addition to the racism, fatphobia, slavery, and other bigotry rampant in the HP books, of course.)

Because she seemed so crestfallen, I suggested Ursula K. Le Guin... she is genuinely wise, wrote tons, has several universes, is a gender visionary (The Left Hand of Darkness!), and the Earthsea Series is great for young readers. Then I reread the first book in the series--A Wizard of Earthsea--and was amused to be reminded that Ged has a friend called "Vetch."

WHAT are the odds of two Vetches in one day?!

circus

In time, I begin to think 

of the award I did not get 

as just three men in a coat 

pretending to loom over me

they'd all claim niceness

say they are good people

not at all sexist or racist 

would say they're smart

then they should have seen  

my 18 is more than his 2

my 14 is more than his 0

his 1 is smaller than my 4

I watch them tumble again

 into unreason, juggling 

 lies and tangled excuses

fairness and easy truths 

they know and I know

they know that I know

what if stopped to laugh 

--it's as if they're clowns

___________________

Pic: Max is not buying it either. 

 

suicide saints

Big A said this was my worst idea ever...

I find myself thinking of Aaron Bushnell, Tommie Raskin, and Aaron Schwarz, randomly, And I looked it up and they all kind of fall under the umbrella of altruistic suicides. Long ago, when I told bestie KB about my teenage habit of anorexia brought on by world famines, she told me about Simone Weil (KB has a religious studies background). I know what the undertow is for me here. 

Norman Morrison (Vietnam objector), Bobby Sands (IRA activist), several Tibetan nuns and monks, and the Tunisian street vendor who set himself ablaze and set off Arab Spring* are some of the others mentioned in the Wiki article.   

Anyway, my idea was to start a collage of "suicide saints" for my altar and Big A found the idea repugnant. He actually shuddered. 

Of course Sylvia Plath and Kurt Cobain are in my thoughts a lot too. They're probably in an artist category with Van Gogh...

*My dad loves that line from the Tamil poet and freedom fighter Bharathi, a blazingly idealistic visionary, who says, ""Thani Oru Manithanukku Unavu Illai/ Enil Intha Jagathinai Azhithiduvom” (if a single person doesn't have food, let's burn down this world). 

Pic: "Funambulist-Wire Walker" by John VanAlstine. Sculpture on MSU campus. 

from another angle

The weedy, wild phlox season is upon us and it always reminds me of Scout.

I usually take pictures walking up towards where I would find him on the other side of the patch...

Today, I took a picture of what it must have looked like from his perspective, what he would have seen before he was so delighted to see me...

https://www.pocobrat.net/2021/05/baby-story.html 
 

songs move away from me

There was a time when every song was about me, sung to me, spoke to me, referenced me, made sense only in the context of my own life. 

I knew I was in a different phase of my life when songs became about other people in my life. Once upon a time, I would have been the "little girl" in a Depeche Mode song. But when toddler Nu was in a timeout, this part in "Enjoy the Silence" seemed so much about them:  "Oh, my little girl/All I ever wanted/All I ever needed/Is here in my arms/Words are very unnecessary/They can only do harm.

More recently when my amazing student KS did a thesis on The Power of Protest Music and Cosmopolitan Themes in Hozier Songs, I kept imagining meet-cutes for them and Hozier.

And this is so weird, but the Ariana Grande song whose second verse begins "And I know, and I know, and I know she gives you everything/ But, boy, I couldn't give it to you" has a chorus that reminds me of Scout and brings me to tears since the time I first heard it on the radio and paid attention... "So one last time/ I need to be the one who takes you home/ One more time/ I promise after that, I'll let you go." What I wouldn't give for one more time with Scout!

Pic: The Red Cedar. 

baby back

Managed to help Nu unloft their dorm bed and jenga everything into Bluey. I'd had tea with JG earlier and she'd offered to help with bringing stuff to Lansing, if necessary...but as it turned out, Bluey could handle it! So excited to have Nu back for the summer!

Then I made it to bookclub. I hadn't read the book beyond the online sample, (Chloe Dalton's Leveret), but I wanted to see everybody. L had made everyone copies of my poems to read for the next meeting. L has just been promoting my work to people! I've tried asking her not to, but she is genuinely happy and proud of me, and that reminds me a bit of my mom, so I'm shutting up. 

Then Big A and I went to get drinks, apps and see Is God Is--compelling with some cute vibes, but more violence than I needed.

awards all day

Gratiot County CASA Awards Luncheon in the afternoon, where they very kindly gave me another award... I'm both moved by the acknowledgement, and self-conscious--I'm just doing my little bit! In the last two years, I've received three awards for CASA work. For someone like me, it's a lot to hear people say stuff about me, make an acceptance speech, etc. The real heroes are the children, IMO.

And in the evening, we were guests of CD and JD at the Refugee Development Center gala for a tour of the new facilities and the ribbon cutting. Big A could see my immediate impulse was to give up everything and devote all my time to teaching refugees English language skills, and began counseling prudence. I'm going to volunteer over the summer, at any rate. The testimonies from the kids brought me to HAPPY tears over and over again. Among the awardees for good citizenship were a pair of third graders--one giggly, one serious, a ninth grader from Chad who dressed up for the occasion in a suit, and a high-schooler who shouted out all the suffering countries including Palestine, Iran, and Lebanon. 

Pic: The actual ribbon cutting. It was so fun to see people from different spheres of my life up there--church friends, legislators, our family physician's spouse, colleagues, etc.

this dystopia

I dreamed that I had a cache of  diamond nose-pins I needed to sneak past customs for the revolution and also that I had come by all those diamonds illicitly.

So I took a second look. 

I'm watching The Testaments (The Handmaid's Tale sequel) on TV, reading Julia (based on 1984), and just finished The Secret Agent (not the Conrad novel--it's last year's intentionally disjointed film about incidents under Brazilian dictatorship in the 70s)... 

Aaaaand I live in the right now, so it's not surprising, I guess, that my dreams would take a dark turn.
_________
Pic: Max and Huck explore their new "boarding school." 

think like a woman

yesterdays heads nod agreement 
though still refusing sleep
or dislocations of night

we are more than what they allow

imaginations far fiercer 

than stolen tyrannies 

you can't tell the angle of attack

but I know, I know

how I know

other women's children are also

children... even if they're

too old to cry 

_____

Pic: A cardinal in the driveway, spied as I walked home from hanging out at the East Lansing Art Festival with the girl friends. (I didn't buy a thing.)

Eight decades of awesome

It's Amma's 80th birthday today. I spent quite a long time at the temple. My sister made her a mango cake, I made her a kulfi with pistachios, cardamom, and rosewater. For the past couple of years in the lead up to this big birthday, she'd been joking that I would not make it home for her 80th birthday celebration as I had done for my Dad's 80th. She would set me up, teasing me about loving dad more than her--just so I'd profess my love for her above all else and promise to be there with her today. This turned out to be such a not-funny joke. 

For my dad's 80th, I flew to Bangalore to surprise my parents. My mom was also on her way back to Bangalore after visiting my sister who was on assignment in Amsterdam. And... BY SOME AMAZING TWIST OF SERENDIPITY, we were both booked on the *same* flight from Frankfurt to Bangalore on the second leg of our respective journeys . I called the airline and arranged to sit next to her, and I started to moo like a cow (one of our silly joke things) as she approached the row... SHE WAS SO BOWLED OVER when she found me! This picture is us reunited on that plane; She looks a bit dazed from the surprise and has her hand wrapped so tight around my upper arm... What I wouldn't give...

we are the champions

I'll note the high of last week before this weekend's lows arrive. 

On Friday, I was given the 2026 "Champion for the Children Award" for my work with CASA. The gala was pretty fancy and "adventure-themed" and people really dressed up for it (Even Nu wore a blazer!). 

I was not a fan of seeing my face on the screen (or on the tables dedicated for my guests and titled "champion's tables" lol), but was grateful for a chance to shoutout the amazing children I work with in my acceptance speech.  

So many people I love showed up at the gala including from out of town and from as far away as D.C. It was fun seeing my various circles intertwine and intersect--family, friends, students, colleagues, my boss, new contacts...

I love my people.  Discussing her outfit via text, JN, who dressed as a lion, said, "My explanation is I was an  explorer eaten by a lion and now the lion has taken over." I may love her a little extra.

medium to intense

DV had given me a gift certificate to Moriah the Medium in September... I felt ready to use it today.  

I set up for our Zoom appointment in the same place where mom and I had taken our last photos together and showed up alone, because I didn't want anyone else's overly rational energy around. I'm not sure I could completely turn off my own rational mind either. As it was, I wondered if I was being told what I wanted to hear--that she was at peace, is always proud of me, and always loves me. 

But then, she said also that my mom is worried that I haven't been as social as I used to be and why haven't I been doing the things I love--like walking by the water by myself and writing. That took me by surprise, because those last two things seemed fairly specific to me, and also true.

I took myself off on a long walk as soon as we got off the call. I was told swans would be a sign from my mother. Mom frequently mistook geese for swans, and we now have geese year-round, so I guess I'm in luck. She said nothing about Scout whose third anniversary was yesterday.

Pic: Redbuds in bloom by The Red Cedar; the floods have receded.

like a ghost in my throat

once again I tell my mom to hurry
synonyms swarm in my belly 
rushing, quickly, soon

                             hug me, hug me

other hours restlessly lie waiting 

an urgent clock is ticking

and marking history

                             hug me, hug me 

in sleep, an endless future patiently

cradles every chance not absence

I'll have to wake soon, mom

                             hug me, hug me now

_______________

Note: One of those dreams where I was telling my mom to hug me quickly... the urgency made no sense. Except on some level, I was aware I was dreaming.

Pic: Red Cedar from the Hagadorn Bridge with Big A after a long walk downtown for his Boss Day dinner. (Reminder: In a college town, the weekend starts on Thursday evening.)

back in a mandala

If I started something new and started looking for results, my mom would often tell me to stick with it for at least 40 days. Because that's how long a mandala--a full cycle of human physiology--is in Ayurvedic practice. 

I've been away from journaling here for over 40 days. I don't know if I'm any different than 40 days ago. 

I didn't mean to stay away. I was very sad and extremely busy. 

I'm still very sad, but am way less busy.

It has been half a year since we lost mom... 

The nausea that went away has begun to return again... 

Because May is coming and it bears her birthday and Mother's Day.

We should prepare ourselves for May, my sister said. 

Yes, of course. But how?

easy like Sunday mornings

Life was easy today. Being honest so I don't get more undue credit. We stocked up on food for the week, and then... headed for the beach. 

United Way doesn't work on Sunday. Okay. 

We ended the day with dinner at a restaurant and sharing reflections and expectations for the upcoming week.

 I really do hope that they work us hard tomorrow... I need to be so tired I can forget.

Writing responses to the comments from yesterday, I realized I'm the one likely to be a nuisance to other people's sleep schedules. The camp cot, noise, etc. don't faze me as when I'm tired enough and need to sleep, nothing can stop me, thankfully. It is the bathroom sharing that I'm such a princess about. But I'm handling it.

Speaking of princesses, Huckleberry Pup's lab results came back and it's just a UTI! (Yay?) Big A has been having a tough time getting her to take her meds though.

Pic: I adore this pic of food democracy in action as the students carefully consider each purchase picked for the communal grocery cart.

beam me up, I guess

Now in Sarasota, FL, which is a (small) city. I don't know why I didn't know that or why I did not look it up. Whatever happened to my growth mindset?!

But here I am. Long journey--two planes. While we were waiting to board the second plane (we were in Group 8), they began boarding the first-class passengers. A student (only) half-jokingly asked when they would get to travel first-class and I really felt that. I held up my hands in blessing and said I hope it happens soon for them. (So long as they don't go into teaching, I guess.)

Typing this from a camp cot in a church dormitory. The fam was a bit concerned about me navigating communal living because I can be a bit princess-y, but I'm doing fine so far. 

We're supposed to do some grocery shopping for the week tomorrow. I want to make one or two dinners for the group...

I kinda miss Max and Huckie already. I would miss Big A, but he was on the verge of doing something I disagreed with, so I'm a bit mad at him.

Pic: Another crepuscular sighting!

visiting

A video call with dad and sis this evening. I was kind of saying goodbye as I don't know what the internet situation will be like next week. It was so centering to see them.... To hear my sister tell me that I should have a conversation with mom when I wake up on my birthday.

Can I just say how kind everyone has been?!? "Unfailingly" is the word that comes to mind. Family and friends. My community. They have helped me keep the important things going even when other things fell away. 

Steph recently noted that I don't seem to be out walking much, and that is so true! I rarely seem to venture out unless it is with someone. That's a far cry from most times in my life and I hope I'll go back to craving my own company.  

But also the kindness of everyone who stops by! I think often of Jenny's calendar of grief. And I've saved so many comments of comfort and reassurance in an email file that I open up to reread often. I read Jeanie's when I don't have faith in myself because she seems to and seems to know so much that I don't. So it was a treat to get to spend teatime with her.

Pic: The fabulous Jeanie with Max and Huckie!

red.blue.white.

The Detroit Pistons hats we got for Christmas were blue and red, so I assumed the team wearing blue and red were the team to root for. But apparently the home team wears light colors and they were the team in white. 

So naturally I switched my allegiance. We won handily.

Pic: From our nosebleed seats in Little Caesar's Arena. Big A and I were marveling at how we'd never deign to eat Little Caesar's pizza in our everyday lives, but when we're at the game, that pizza is like a siren call!