Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Post-it Palimpsests



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I should get a better picture and write it up sometime, but my students played along to this activity I made up that I’m calling “Post-it Palimpsest”—layering reading, experience, theory, and intersectional approaches in varying sequences.

_

Monday, January 29, 2018

Darkling

I startle awake near 3 am
when you come home
when you come to bed

It seems ten inches of snow 
arrived early (unlike you)
but (like you) suprises

You're word and work-tired,
cross--a sword or some all-
over weapon--a rock 

I should shine you up David,
Goliath. I'm already reach-
ing, are you ready?


_




Sunday, January 28, 2018

The final word...

Big A's first appearance in the NYT (1975).  He is the final, hyphenated word in the obituary:
"Surviving are a daughter by a previous marriage, Louise Laskey, a sculptor; a grandson, and a great‐grandson."
I was looking for references to Louise for Nu since it's one of her middle names and she may have inherited some of that artistic talent when I found this (and was oddly overcome with love for a baby Big A).


_

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Mt. Hope

We walked to Mt. Hope for the first time this year. The thaw is here and the smells must be wondrous because Scout and Huck could barely take two steps without nose-exploring. Scout found that the smells on all the utility poles he had tagged in the fall had faded, so he had to pee-graffiti all of them again.

__

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

Learning

The true name
of everything
eludes me

this is new told
sweaty pillow,
spills insomnia

dreams gallop,
but like one-
legged cripples

into the softly
ruined betrayals
of our children

whispering
we know,
you know.

_

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Party of Three

Went out for fancy pizza in OldTown, for Big A's Boss Day. I was wearing the fancy earrings KC gave me on Sunday and everything.

But I crashed into a wall of sadness the minute I entered. I archly corrected the hostess when she asked if we wanted a table for three: "Four!" And then I had to correct myself: "No, you're right, just three."

I miss At. I always miss At.

_

Monday, January 22, 2018

January

we are this curve of wonder
the child begins to look up
holding you in their eyes
resembling what they are

rooting, it is breath taking,
muting loose exile, makes
breath possible to choose
on days when many days

of wry winter are chased by
many more days of winter

_

Friday, January 19, 2018

Monkey See, Monkey Do

Tomorrow is National Tulip Day (my florist says). She taught me how to stand tulip bulbs in a saucer and reminded me that I can plant the bulbs in the garden when Spring comes around. I think I did a good job of recreating her work at home. With some added monkey business...




__

Monday, January 15, 2018

Static

This is a boring picture, because I spent all day in one place working on my review portfolio.

_

Sunday, January 14, 2018

FB is killing me with memories

Image may contain: one or more people, people sleeping, people sitting, living room and indoor

My babies are so beautiful*   
* Beautiful = nostalgia for when they were so squishy, tiny, chubby-cheeked, and I saw both of them at breakfast every morning.

_

Monday, January 08, 2018

A (C)Hairy Moment

Scout and Huck went bonkers at dinner time. Instead of eating slivers of salmon at the table (they love 'Mr. Slammin'!) they were howling and baying at something in the kitchen. The humans at the table were impressed by the puppies' noble inattention to dinner in the face of a threat to the family pack. What was it? A mouse? Our resident snake?


It was as bad as Clint Eastwood's chair moment.


-

Sunday, January 07, 2018

Difecta

I woke up this morning my heart and brain slogging through the knowledge that this is officially the last day of winter break and that I'd be dropping At off at college today.

Not so strangely, I've been looking forward to today as well: it's going to warm up to 30 degrees--after single-digit temps for the last two weeks--and it's the start of a brand new term.




Teaching

I dream of black-
boards

how I scrub
them

as if they are
grimy

window panes
and I am

opening a space
to see

_

Saturday, January 06, 2018

Of Samosas and Vaginas



Because I didn't plan ahead, cocktail samosas ($2.99 frozen; broiled for < 11 mins) and the dregs of a jar of mango chutney will have to do as my offering to the potluck of a new bookclub. Unusually, I seem to be the youngest, so they all love on me anyway.



 I'm looking forward to learning--among other things--how to work with mobility/speech/hearing issues in discussion formats.

The books I suggested were Yaa Gyasi's Homegoing and Carmen Machado's Her Body and Other Parties. I started talking about "The Husband Stitch" and couldn't shut up about vaginas for a quite a while :).

_

Friday, January 05, 2018

A Project with Nu

While At was out discussing a podcast project with his erstwhile boss at the high school newspaper (also junior prom date; fire tweeter), Nu and I were at the antique store trying to find a small chair for the corner of the kitchen by the cookbooks' shelves. 


We found it.


Bonus: It seems to be an actual kitchen chair covered in old-timey vinyl. 
Bonus+: It cost $15 and once we'd thrown some (faux) sheepskin on it, was exactly what I'd envisioned.
Bonus ++: It turned out that an awesome student works there (her mother had recently purchased the store)
Bonus +++: Her mother and I were able to embarrass her by talking about all the ways in which she was awesome.




_


Thursday, January 04, 2018

Boss Day Indulgence


I inveigled them into selfies just before we walked over to Sansu because.... BAAAAS DAY!




_

Wednesday, January 03, 2018

Winter Light


We carry
our shadows
through the snow
for hours

until noon
prunes them from us
with little fuss.
Suddenly

we are blessed
with light-ness,
a single body,
in samadhi

Until fading day
shades in companions
to take us downhill,
into the night


_


Tuesday, January 02, 2018

Maps

My heart's fierce routes traverse here
maps curve cathedral arms out there

feelings scrambling across my face
in the stutter of heightened fights

I can miss all the people you have been,
the punctuation and pitch of your voices

I can learn all the places you have been
this body is--those borders are--prisons

I fill my thoughts with plots. Of weeping
until we drown--all the places in this town


_

Monday, January 01, 2018

Jan 1st



For decades, the debris
of bored, unmoored hope.
Ordered: a brace of fullness.
Fulfilled: bits of loneliness.

Now there are these loves
for thousands of stories or
prayers. I never surrender/
care for myself this way


_

Sunday, December 31, 2017

The Prodigal Couple

It was good meeting so many old friends this week. We spent an evening with LV and NF and their families; had lunch with NM and his family today; and went to the M's NYE party where we saw EVERYONE.

Walking back from Stafford St. in the feathery snow and single-digit cold, Big A said that it's kind of fun, because people are so excited to see us even if we weren't that special when we actually lived here. It's true :) .

We got back 11-ish, so we could hang out with the kids and grandparents until midnight and chanted the countdown into 2018. I so want this year to be better than the last couple of years.

And I should take better pictures.

_

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

A Christmas Story (Christmas Continued)

There were grandparents to greet and more presents to open yesterday, and tomorrow we'll head for Yellow Springs for more grandparents (and presents).

For the first time in a while, the kids enjoyed both the nativity pageant and the Christmas Eve candlelight service, but their favorite Christmas story was about my silliness.

Earlier this month, Big A and I found ourselves at the mall (to return some birthday dress shirts at Macy's) and I saw a popup store selling Christmas ornaments that claimed that they could "put ANY name" on purchased ornaments. I was so excited, because of course my kids never find their names on anything. So I babbled on to the very young, very pregnant sales assistant about how this was so exciting for me and then cajoled Big A into looking for ornaments. He gave up about five minutes in because everything was weird and gendered (boy-doctors, girl-nurses level gendered). I should have given up too, but nevertheless, I persisted.

I finally found some generic, non gendered stuff and took it to the counter to pay for it. Four ornaments came up to $60 with tax. And then the very young, very pregnant sales assistant took out a Sharpie to write my kids' names. A Sharpie. I didn't have the heart to back out. At least she had neat handwriting?

We took down Christmas today, 
in preparation for our trip South.

__

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

From For the Time Being: A Christmas Oratorio W.H. Auden

Well, so that is that. Now we must dismantle the tree,
Putting the decorations back into their cardboard boxes –
Some have got broken – and carrying them up to the attic.
The holly and the mistletoe must be taken down and burnt,
And the children got ready for school. There are enough
Left-overs to do, warmed-up, for the rest of the week –
Not that we have much appetite, having drunk such a lot,
Stayed up so late, attempted – quite unsuccessfully –
To love all of our relatives, and in general
Grossly overestimated our powers. Once again
As in previous years we have seen the actual Vision and failed
To do more than entertain it as an agreeable
Possibility, once again we have sent Him away

-

Monday, December 25, 2017

Christmas in the afternoon

We didn't get to opening presents until the afternoon
because Big A had worked the night before and needed a nap.

I held the kids at bay with the holiday casserole and mulled cider
and re-watching the second season of Stranger Things.

It turned out beautifully in the end 
(despite sleep deprived crankiness, roof worries, and health anxieties)

At gave me a Criterion copy of Chaplin's The Kid 
the first silent film we'd watched together--crazy to think it's almost a hundred years old

Nu gave me another book Molly's Story to go along with Wonder
Molly is a pupster and  has the sweetest beginning

Big A made my dreams come true
with the Alessi kettle I'd coveted for so long.



-

Sunday, December 24, 2017

Just one day left


I'm still terrified to go into the basement
so I took a long walk in the snow instead.

On my way back, I constructed a soup 
to make for dinner--it was gumbo-y.

Then like the opposite of a real Santa, I snuck 
a few presents OUT of the kids' present pile--

I had gone overboard as usual.

_

Friday, December 22, 2017

MRI

my head brings its own book
my heart sings its own song

This close sky sees everything
is impersonal, is still, strong

I have lived    I am losing
I am living     I am learning

even love cannot shield us from
messages so familiar, of failure

Like a wish polished into prayer
Like a loss, before we call it lost

--------------------
Personal note:
Big A had to have an MRI today for numbness today. We're not sure what that means or what lies ahead for us.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Sssssssscary Shite

Pic from Big A recd. on my way home


If you look closely (if you dare to look)
you'll see a reaaaaally long snakeskin
sloughed off over the kids' scooters
IN THE BASEMENT

Is it still there? Did IT have BABIES?
I was right there just TWO DAYS AGO.
I'm already really terrified of snakes,
and now everything seems extra snake-y.

The kids were amused, but I got my revenge.
I gave them this line that's stuck in my head:
"the snake poured itself down the hole"
Then I cackled as it gave them the shivers.

_

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Post

the flicker of your gaze
the burden of your hope
I am an ant under a crumb

this skin's dance is like
first-born-feather-light
of morning snow (I know

we might have gone our true
ways without a clue, except for
some secret script of the universe)

_


Monday, December 18, 2017

Saving Seven Words

I have eaten the fetus that was in the entitlement and which you were vulnerably saving for diversity Forgive me it was transgender so science-based And so evidence-based.

-
Note: This happened.

Sunday, December 17, 2017

Jedis at Last

We had tickets to see The Last Jedi the minute they were announced. Actually, a notification that it had been added to the family calendar crawled across my phone screen while I was in class. *

But as it turned out, one of Big A's co-workers had a family emergency and needed to switch shifts with him, so we elected not to go on Friday. The kids are amazing that way--sweetly flexible about changes in plans because the life of an E.R. doc (and their family) is about celebrating Thanksgiving / Christmas / New Year / Birthdays whenever they're off--using the date on the calendar as a recommendation rather than as a deadline. Big A suggested we go without him on Friday and go again on Sunday with him, but At was all, "We can't go without Dad, he started Star Wars." (Compliment rather than accusation, I believe.)

There were moments where I teared up (Chewie telling Luke about Han, Gen. Leia being wished that the force *always* be with her), but the movie was just too dang long.
                                   At: It felt like there was an Act 4
                                   Nu: And an Act 5 and an Act 6...

                         We want to watch The Force Awakens again.


But we managed a family pic before the movies.

___________________________________

* Let me take this moment to mention how much I dislike having to take my phone into the classroom so I can dual-verify login to the class computer!!!!!


-

Saturday, December 16, 2017

Fittingly

I had planned to put Kristen Roupenian's Cat Person and Carmen Machado's The Husband Stitch on the reading list for Women's Lit next term as they each blew up online this year...

Today, I made plans to collaborate teaching them with a bunch a strangers (fellow teachers) on an FB group.

The internet is kinda awesome.

_



Friday, December 15, 2017

Reading

Today is a sabotaged page
brutish
dusty
untrustworthy

on the edges of my brain
the hot animal knees
me, tears me,
sees me in tears

on the undercurrent of loss
in the flooding and
leaking
and catching

I can untie words heavy as air
as ephemeral; I am
a lookout, I am
eaten by the sea


(Note: I'm reading Truddi Chase's When Rabbit Howls and took on a new CASA case yesterday)
_

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Two by Two

Two times I fell today

  • down the stairs with the stick vacuum
  • while arguing about the Keaton kid story in the Chipotle parking lot


Two songs I've avoided since At went to college

  • Human by the Killers (long history)
  • The song from the end of Boyhood (for the obvious reasons)


Two things I looked forward to all day

  • Dinner with the MacCurdy women



  • Bringing the boy home




-


Wednesday, December 13, 2017

Snow Days


Yesterday's snow came with a surprise--when I finally left work and got into the car to come home, I realized that some angel had cleared my windshield for me.  If I wasn't such a wimp with the weather, I'd try to pay that forward.

Today, I got a leisurely day at home and got to work out, clean the house, and wash my hair with no hard deadlines. And although that doesn't sound particularly hedonistic, it felt luxurious.

It was Big A's work holiday party today. But when the morning news predicted 8-10 inches of snow, I decided we weren't going to drive in it. Big A wanted to keep the babysitter so we could do a date-night, but I really didn't want our high-school babysitter to be driving in all this snow either.

I made the saffron shrimp linguini for dinner though, so I think everyone's mollified.

_

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Inflection



I know my footprints make
achy commas in the snow

Icy shibboleths of everywhere 
I've been, when breath catches.

I keep finding these reminders--
the plainsong of my wandering

as though to say: now just pause
'cos--no one's ever here that long.

So commas--broken signs of all
kinds: earned, separate, or set off--

Of course I've known forever how
I am guilty of love--never list me alone.


_

Monday, December 11, 2017

'Yas


Not a day goes by that I don't think of cousin PD and the other 'Yas. It could be because something reminded me to think of our house as a home rather than as a real-estate investment; or I bought myself flowers when no one else did; or I'm driving in the snow and remembering her telling me about black ice, and to go slow on NJ hills; or because I got a mouthful of something spicy that reminded me of the rasam-buvva that she hand-fed me when I was too pregnant/nauseated to feed myself; or I'm yearning for times while we watched the kids play and could conduct sotto voce discussions of family, nation, or culture for hours.

When she texted me that she was going to be close by visiting her elementary schoolmates for the weekend to celebrate turning 50 in a few months, AND that she could spend a night with us... I squealed and then called her so she could hear me.

It was everything I imagined.

_


Sunday, December 10, 2017

Forward

Around the eaves
a feathered departure

bookmarks your godhead,
your stubborn extension

of earth, home, earthliness.
It lifts me too for a moment

like the gaiety of someone
else's car music

_

Saturday, December 09, 2017

Party weekend

I went to three parties yesterday (college holiday party, international student party, fundraiser) and two parties today (student Christmas party, colleague/friend's Festivus party)

I got to drag Big A and Nu to one yesterday and one today.

I will take that as success.

_

Friday, December 08, 2017

Takes after her Mama

I mentioned over dinner 
that I'd like to see the movie

So when Nu found the book
at the school book fair,
she got it for me, and even

WRAPPED IT UP FOR CHRISTMAS!

But she was too excited 
to give it me later and insisted 
that I open it right-away :P 

_

Thursday, December 07, 2017

Vibrations

It is dawn in a dream and
my body is made of politics

nerves write these goodbyes
language breaks at my joints

water seldom returns to eyes
(though it does get in my nose)

we are afraid to admit it--
our days are ephemeral

insects chide and chatter
stars grind and grumble

_

Wednesday, December 06, 2017

Surprise

Ready, heading
downstairs in a rush
Big A lifts me

into the air
as I hit the
last stair,

spins me
around spins
me around

Nu pops her frown
through the door
and is relieved

I'm not yelping
about her
morning chores.

_

Tuesday, December 05, 2017

Time to go

Last night, I dreamt that I was looking over grandmother's old house by the sea. I was talking to my aunt and Big A about how it would make sense to get it (buy it?). I think we had decided to go for it until I remembered that the water from the faucets used to stain everything grey and wondered if that still happened and were there loud trains in the backyard?

The night before that, I dreamt of huge temple festival crowds. And among them, I found my mother with her friends. They were in full temple-going mode--vibrant silk saris and gem-studded jewelry and... were taking turns standing on a grate. Mom was so embarrassed to see me, but managed to hug me tight and whisper that I shouldn't tell anyone.

Both dreams were dotted with apocalyptic climate change motifs--rising seas, shimmering heat, crop failures--I blame the eco-criticism-ecofeminism class.


Is This Land is Your Land? 

Environment and Culture in the Anthropocene 

ENG 180/WGS 280


_

Monday, December 04, 2017

Inspiration


Found this on NuNu's school-issued laptop.🤓😍
(It says, "Alexander Hamilton wrote 51 papers in the span of 6 months, you can write ONE.")

_

Sunday, December 03, 2017

Atwitter

things i do not say
are prisoners

they plot revolution
in whispers

and invitations
in shadows

they talk quietly
amongst themselves

their questions long
their answers looks

asking--are you thinking
-- what are you thinking

_

Friday, December 01, 2017

Dream

I remember you sleeping
even if I was sleeping too

Same with the puppies
same with the babies

same with begging
mountains to move

same with begging
the earth to open

same with the ice
looking down on me

from the air
and the glass up there

my silence and softness
growing plump like fruit

_

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

In Theory

What will winter do to us?
Will we continue even as
the outside plants are killed
by remorseful white skin
growing where nothing else will?

_

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Shade


We've been admiring NuNu's pear 
that's so perfectly shaded.

She asks: "Have you ever shaded something? 
Did you ever learn how to shade?" 

"Now she's throwing major shade" 
her dad says.

_

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Post-Holiday Sadness

It doesn't get any easier dropping At off at college. I keep thinking it might be easier if he took the bus, but that last hour of talking and joking and listening to him DJ on the car stereo becomes too tempting at the last moment.

Also today (in the library) someone told me that they were abandoned by their mom when they were eight.

Also today (in the grocery store) someone told me that they were trying to come out to their friends and family.

I'm kind of exhausted.

_

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Fine

flashes of light 
insistent, slash 
the rear view mirror

tired, I look
for the cop car
speed-limit reminder 

but all I can see,
washing over me,
is sunset through the trees 

_



Thursday, November 09, 2017

Imprint

I am the serotinal student

clasping ideas between breaths

clamping lips around knowledge

i touch a thousand books

i read them all


-

Monday, October 23, 2017

The World Turned Upside Down

Until we saw Hamilton last year in Chicago--I hadn't really paid a lot of attention to the phenomenon. I *loved* the rap form, the function of the cast, was happy for Miranda's MacArthur Genius award... and all of that. But I was afraid that it would be a bunch of bad rhymes or some twee hagiography. So the show was such a pleasure and a relief. And now we just can't stop listening to the soundtrack all the time.

I was looking for tickets to the touring company at the Wharton Center and they seem to have very little information. It's almost funny, so that's not the reason I was in tears to "It's Quiet Uptown" after I dropped At off at college this morning.

It was tough coming home to an empty house after such a crowded weekend. The crappy weather and the drippy roof aren't helping.
_

Monday, October 16, 2017

Hopeful/Healing

Relieved the radiologist 
didn't think she needed 
a CT scan for her wrist

_

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

SANSU SURPRISE!!

She didn't know her brother would be 
at the restaurant for her birthday dinner.

She walked in and remembers thinking:
why does this guy look so much like my nana
and why is he sitting all by himself

And then she started squealing 
and didn't stop hugging him

_

"I'm a weirdo/doofus/nerd/naif" (Part MXVIII)

I realized during my meditation this morning that my energy for contacting so many people yesterday (the "emotional labor" that St...