So I had an hour and a half between doctors' appointments yesterday and snuck into the Lowes on Second Av to watch Zach Braff’s The Last Kiss.
(I went alone. Big A owes me bigtime for dragging me to The Aristocrats and Clerks 2, but, for all its failings, The Last Kiss wouldn't have been punishment enough. I’ve decided to punish him with The Lake House, which has his least favorite male actor plus his least favorite female actor, plus a leaky-bag plot. His pain shall be my entertainment. Muaahahahahaha. Although, i‘m still somewhat nice enough in that i'm willing to Netflix it so he can vomit in the comfort of his own home if he needs to, per his request.)
Anyway, The Last Kiss is a heap of clichés. You have guy pals who are upped from the Boy Meets World magic number two in ZB’s first movie, Garden State, to an Entourage-ish four, trapped in varied stages of sucky coupledom, throw in a mom (the cadaverously beautiful Blythe Danner) jealous of her daughter, and also in there is a college-aged slut who is the Natalie Portman character from Garden State gone unbelievably toxic; to make her narrative function clear she is (a) skinny--so you get the point that she is young (b) dark-haired--so you get the point that she’s evil-intentioned and slutty enough to throw herself at guy-in-a-relationship.
All the women, mom and slut included, are potential or actual PSYCHO-STALKERS and if you have sex with them you will get PSYCHO STALKED. (Men, you have been warned.) All the men dick around in assorted but uninventive ways and then !finale! decide to return to their women. (Women, you have been warned also.) It was like monomaniacal street-theater director wannabe meets complex Freud manqué, only not as sexy and without berets and cigars--i.e. disappointing.
The best part was that I suddenly realized close to the end of the movie that i had four minutes to make my appointment, so i had to dash for it and didn’t see the eponymous last kiss. It *was* the best part--not having to watch that too, i mean. One thing i learned yesterday--that I never want to watch Zach Braff having physically spazzed out and emotionally awkward sex that has been choreographed to tediously "ironic" music ever again; those five minutes yesterday--my eyes! my head! Meh!
__
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
"bad idea, right?"
More meetings today, including two terribly fraught ones... including one in the boardroom where 99% of the portraits on the wall are of old...
-
Friends and old neighbors shutting it down in honor of John Crawford. _
-
At had us pose for this pic up at Aunt R's place on Lake Huron so he could put it up in his dorm. "Don't tur... -
I have the feeling that I’m going to succumb to the season and put out a list of resolutions soon. Just wanted to establish this heads up th...
6 comments:
I need a first hand report on this one. I can tell you want to. :O
This is, hands down, the funniest thing I've read all week. The ironic thing is that reading your description actually makes me want to see the movie -- mind you, only a little bit (i.e., video), and only to fully appreciate your devastatingly funny review.
But it's strange how one's reactions to a bad movie can have that effect -- as long as it's bad enough. I felt incredibly cheated immediately after seeing Fanaa (leaving aside the catchy music, which quickly became riveted into my head) -- as if Aamir Khan and Kajol had stolen my ATM card and pilfered $11.50 directly from my bank account. But in the process of telling people how awful the movie was, I think I developed a bit of an attachment to it. Hmmm.... variant on the Stockholm Syndrome?
Too kind, Piper :)
("Variant of the Stockholm Syndrome"--hehe)
But now i want to see Fanaa. And also Rang De Basanti and Lage Raho Munna Bhai.
I definitely recommend Rang De Basanti and Lage Raho Munna Bhai very highly. Certainly two of my favorites for the year.
But now all of a sudden, in a matter of mere hours, you've got competition from Sleepy for funniest read of the week -- and coincidentally, it's another "it's so bad it's good" moment. (Twice in one day -- who'da thunk?) Sorry, Pocobrat -- maintaining one's crown is always a tough feat. Just didn't think the competition would be after you so quickly.... ;)
Goshdarnit--that was cruel, Piper :).
OTOH, i didn't have to spend any of my living moments watching Paisa--fair exchange, i'd say.
Did you watch the video? The review is priceless.
I did watch the video. Mutant version of the Stockholm Syndrome, remember? Drawn in like a rubbernecker to a traffic accident.
Post a Comment